Life's Patterns
Pardon me for my temper tantrum yesterday. I regress sometimes. I just don't have the capability at times to embrace BM's eccentricities in all their glory. I hold myself and those around me to a certain standard. But when it comes to BM, I can not. That was my fault for doing so.
My SDs are the only ones who truly have the right to stomp their feet and be disappointed. It is them who suffer from the decisions of a mother who they can't help but love. BM's mental state will never allow her to love anyone more than she loves herself and she doesn't even do that very well. She is in a constant state of self loathing and self promoting. Constantly seeking validation but not having the capacity to look inward where it really counts.
It's her pattern. It's her life. It will be the life of my stepdaughters.
But it's not my life and I won't allow it to be. I will not allow her my disappoint because that means that I ever had faith that she could be more than what she is. I am a better person because of her. I have learned so much about myself and have a new found inner patience and restraint I never knew existed. I don't thank her even for that, I was the one who had to dig deep and find that within myself...she was only the cause for me to do so.
Bm is nothing more than an obstacle that I will overcome. Unlike her, I am a survivor and I won't let her drag me into the depths of her mad, mad world.
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CG
why are we here if we cant throw a tantrum every now and then.
you are so insightful, strong, smart, and FUNNY!! dont be so hard on yourself.
I admire you!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I think for most of us
We are trying too hard to protect our SK's from the reality of their BMs that we absorb that negativity in an effort to keep it from penetrating them.
We have to find a balance in letting them absorb and process the truth about their BMs as they are able, as is appropriate, as is presented to them naturally.
And unfortunately, that means we continue to absorb and process the rest that's just too much for a kid to bear.
I learned a technique that helped me with BM a TON. It's a Buddhist meditation technique where you absorb the pain of others (I'm GOOD at that part) then visualize it as smoke and release it with your breath. So you are taking their pain and setting it free, so they will feel better and you won't carry it inside yourself.
I'm going to start that one over the next week. I can already feel SD's negative energy infiltrating the peaceful center I found while she was gone.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
They know it...
and they know it without us having to say a word.
BM is constantly accusing those around her of negative words being spoken about her in front of the girls when they normally react adversely to one of her ventures.
I wish them blindness for years to come. As of right now all they know how to do is love her and she loves them the best she is capable of loving them.
It's truly a tragedy when you figure out that your parent is less than worthy of a hero status.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I wish your SK's to embrace the wonderful
SM they have in you, and model after you.
You are so young and beautiful CG. Such a beautiful heart. Other SMs would not just occasionally feel the way you did on this post. They would never be able to have any compassion.
I go back and forth too.
Then I always return to how lucky I am that BM's nuts. Because even if they didn't like each other much, DH would have stayed with her if she was at all sane. Strange gratitude moment, but I can appreciate her illness, if only for that!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Here's my broken record again!
CG- pick up the Eggshells book. I have been thinking I may actually let SD read it when she's older, because whether she ever believes she's also BPD or not, she will see her mother's behavior everywhere in that book. AND...maybe will realize that she is "mirroring" it herself. If she at least could get that out of it I'd be happy.
I think it would benefit you to understand more where BM is coming from (can't remember- is your BM BP AND BPD? or just BP?
Anyway, I feel like I have better ammo in my pack to handle BM now. And I can help DH deal with her better by not feeding into her drama, need for attention, etc. He's reading it now.
And if your SKs ever start mirroring their mom's behavior, it will help you be prepared for the best way to attempt to defuse it.
That's the main purpose of the book anyway, because it's written for those of us stuck trying deal with these sort of behaviors.
And NO I didn't WRITE it and have no STOCK in it. It simply was that helpful.
Though the way things have gone since SD's been back I am thinking of re-reading it out loud with DH!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Meant to say...
Didn't want to imply it was your job to understand BM, just that I found it helpful to understand some of my SD's BM's deranged thought process and why she thinks it. There are a lot of things in the book that can help you respond differently to defuse them, and...
unfortunately, you may need it in the future as your SKs get older.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Accepting and Embracing the "Isness" of things.
I tried for years to shelter Skids from the atrocities created by BM. It wore me out mentally, emotionally and physically. As Sita mentioned they have to absorb and process it at some point. The sad beauty in it all is things/people are often what they appear. In short "It is what it is." We can not control the idiocyncracies of BMs and we can't always shelter our skids from that horror, but in an ideal world, kids grow up to hopefully see things as they are. I think the realization is painful at times, but it can be used to help them in life. BMs aside, I'm sure we have all run into someone as pitiful as the BMs we've encountered, be it another parent, a co-worker, a relative or a friend. We in turn had to learn how to deal with them if indeed we chose that. I also think when they have a positive relationship and a negative relationship they choose to model the positive one when given the proper tools to do so. That is where we come in, to proved the nurturing, love, discipline or whatever it is that is lacking. I believe that kids are a lot more resilient than adults and they adapt to the situations hopefully making them stonger individuals and better able to cope.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
Strength and character
CG - this post shows a depth of strength and character I admire. I heard echos of what you said - she loves but is incapable of loving in a healthy way - in a discussion I had with my SD this past weekend. Being able to find the good in things is a gift beyond measure. Thank you.
You are sooo right CG
and I applaud you for being that SURVIVOR. I would never admit to our BM, but I do feel I owe her some thanks, in that she REFUSED to grow up and in her "forever altered state of teenagehood" she did FORCE my DH to grow up and become both MOTHER AND FATHER to those kids.
I dated him BEFORE she did, and he was one wild young boy. So she did him a favor and made him the man he is today. One outstanding MAN and Father.
hangingin