Im tired of being mad
i am not an angry person but it seems like im angry all the time now. even when im at work im angry and its all due to my ss11. i just dont understand how my sd10 can be so sweet and caring and my ss11 can be a complete ass. i love being around my sd cause she listens and minds so well. other than she likes to ask why when told to do something i have no problem with her. i need some advice because i dont like being so negative all the time. i dont wanna resent my ss but i do because he is ruining my relationship. i mean how many times can i complain to my gf before we fight. i feel bad cause i know she tries very hard to keep my ss under control but his father undermines everything we do. i dont know how to stop dwelling on his bad attitude but i need to cause eventually its all gonna build up and im gonna hit my ss. i have never felt this way anout someone before especially not a child. i love kids. and im very anti putting your hands on kids that arent yours. i dont like to yell and im not a physical person so why is an 11yr old being able to get to me like this. when i said something to my gf she acted like she didnt know he had an attitude problem and said she just ignores it cause she is tired of trying with him. how do i do that? how can i turn off my caring switch. why am i the only one that sees his behavior as harmful when he gets older? am i blowing things out of proportion? i dont even look at him and think he's a cute kid anymore. i look at him and think butthole all the time. he farts at the dinner table. has an awful mouth. he said p*ssy yesterday!!! he is 11!!! and his mother didnt act like it was an issue. he insists on hurt all of us. and im to the point of when he gets rough with me i intentionally hurt him to make him stop. im not the person that im turning into but idk how to stop it. is there anything i can do short of having to break off my relationship? i only see my ss 3 days out of the week and he still makes me this angry. im so confused and dont know what to do anymore. its been 2yrs since i entered my skids lives and it seems like its getting worse and worse as time goes on. i have to figure out something. so that i dont go of the deep end
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Often I have identified
Often I have identified things from my past that push my buttons when my two teenage SDs behave certain ways etc. eg. the fact that they are always given expensive presents at Xmas and b'day irks me because I was neglected as a child. Also that they are listened to so much and too much consideration is taken of their views because I was always ignored and my views mattered diddly squat as a child. However, even identifying such stuff only helps a little in dealing with it.
You are not blowing things out of proportion. If you have this child 3 days a week, his father is going to be the principle influence on him, simply because he is there more. We have found that SD14 and SD16 have picked up a lot of BM's narcissistic personality disorder type traits, simply from copying her, and we only have them 2 days a fortnight. It is irksome seeing a child develop into a copy of someone you do not respect.
You could try disengaging, ie leave all care and discipline to your partner, except if the kid eg needs medical attention, or in an emergency. Don't be left alone with the boy - caring for him when he is in your house is his mother's job. I disengaged 8 years ago and it has helped a lot.
How do I disengage though
How do I disengage though without becoming an ass. I mean do I just ignore him? There are 2 kids and my problem is only with one so how do I disengage from him without it seeming like im playing favorite with my sd.
Admittedly it IS going to be
Admittedly it IS going to be difficult disengaging from one child and not the other. But it should be possible to refer to your partner over his care without making it too obvious you are playing favourites. Perhaps by leaving care of both children mainly to your partner, but sometimes it is easier if one partner does something with one child and the other with the other. You could make sure you do stuff mainly with your SD. There is some info to read about disengaging at http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
They are 10 and 11. Another couple of years and they will want to be doing stuff more with friends anyway - sleepovers etc. And you can take more of a back seat. I disengaged from my SD14 and SD16 8 years ago, but in practice I am much more disengaged from SD14 because I can't stand her, and I get on better with her sister. I occasionally do something with SD16 but NEVER with SD14 - there is mutual antipathy but we give each other a wide berth and it works most of the time.