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Hate is such a strong word

clueless2stepparent's picture

Submitted by clueless2stepparent on Mon, 09/20/2021 - 8:47pm

I seem to be at the end and let me say its a painful place. Not because I fear losing anything but my sanity. My dear husband still hasn't downloaded the court docs. He actually called me a bad name which we never use to talk like that but SS10 is going to moms more n it seems the break makes me dread his presence even more. He comes back stinky n won't eat for a couple days (mostly healthy food he will say he isn't hungry)  so annoying for me because I know he just wants to eat junk.  My husband told me SS10 is afraid of me. No he knows I'm not ok with him eating cereal for dinner n so when husband asks what he wants to eat he looks at me like I'm gonna say something yeah like eat ur vegetables.  The worst thing is it intrupts how I raise my 14 year old daughter.  I'm always irritated by husband n SS that I snap at her n don't have patience for her. School started 2 months ago n everyday SS10 has no homework n dad let's him play on my daughters Xbox.  When asked to do chores he's so lazy it takes 1 hour to give do 1 10ins chores n he whines or complains to the point I give up pr he will do a shitty job that I have to go hlbehind n ask him to do it again n here is dear dad to the rescue from me im so hard on him he says ( no I just think a 10 year old should be able to do simple tasks without assisting him every time but dad just isn't on board with my parenting style n so my kids suffer n I want it to be over I am miserable 

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JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 09/20/2021 - 9:24pm

I can tell you are very frustrated, you sound like a good person who wants both kids to eat healthily.

I have a thought for you.  What would happen if you served healthy meals (which I'm sure you already do) and did not comment on what either kid ate.  I come from a family where every meal was a battle.  "Clean up your plate", "You have to try each dish", etc plus lots of yelling when things wrre spilled.  My 2 brothers and I escaped unscathed (except we all fight weight issues around over-eating) but my sister was very affected.  I believe it lead to her morbid obesity, a factor in her early death.  Im not suggesting anything that drastic would happen in your family.  But you might have less stress if you just let this go.   If all that is available are healthy foods, the kids will be okay.  They will also be better able to tune in to their body's cues, like " That's enough" rather than hearing their brain say " Clean it all up".

I, too, had SKs who preferred junk to my meals.  Part of it was a passive/aggressive way to revolt against me but part was unfamiliarity with my foods.  The advantage of junk and fast food was the taste consistency, I believe.  They all lived thru it, two are still somewhat picky eaters.  To be honest, we had so many other issues, I had to pick my battles.

Good luck!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 09/20/2021 - 10:58pm

That old chestnut??!!!  Chef did the same thing to me. 

No skid realizes you are the only adult in the room... and doesn't like it.   You have a DH guilty daddy problem. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 09/21/2021 - 5:36am

Sorry you are in this place, it sounds hard. You can't be the only one who cares about SS's well-being, it won't work.  All you can do is refuse to do any kind of parenting at all and let DH handle everything, and that means absolutely everything. No driving him, no watching him, no cleaning up after him. Since he's "afraid" of you, you will just need to let DH handle everything. 
 

But it sounds like your love for DH is gone and it's time to go. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 09/21/2021 - 7:15am

You do sound very frustrated and like you are having difficulties focusing your emotions where they truly originate.

You absolutely shouldn't be "fighting" with your daughter because you are frustrated over his son.  I'm guessing you mean that your fuse is just shorter so you have a hard time with staying calm?

I think yours is a case where you need to figure out how to disengage from your SO's son.  If the kid eats cereal for dinner? so what? really.. why does it matter to you?  If you really keep mostly healthy foods (incl. cereal) in the home.. what does it matter if he has a bowl of cheerios with banana for dinner instead of whatever was cooked for the family?  Why can't he just eat a PBJ or whatever.. ?  He isn't your son.. if his dad is ok with the kid eating a non-traditional dinner (breakfast for dinner which was something my parents did occasionally..lol).. then that should be fine.

and why are you the one riding the kid about his chores?  That is your DH's job.. and if the job isn't done right.. tell your DH that he needs to show his son how to do it properly... let him deal with his kid. 

And... you probably need to accept that your DH may not parent in the same way you would.  It's his kid.... and while you can insist that all home occupants have a general set expectation of behavior... you don't micromanage his parenting.. and he stays out of yours.

As it stands you have painted a poor picture.. your 13 yo daughter hates your DH.. I can only imagine how that plays out in the home too.. 

Perhaps if you and he refocused on your own kids.. that would be better?

And it sounds like your DH is a bit lazy.. procrastinator so either you micromanage him too.. or you need to let it go.. or leave.. but it would really help if you got to a place where you didn't get so emotionally invested in whether the kid was eating cereal for dinner... it is exhausting to live that way.

Loxy's picture

Submitted by Loxy on Tue, 09/21/2021 - 11:15pm

Letting go is so liberating. Your SS is not your responsibility. Leave him to your DH. If he won't eat the food you buy and cook for the family then it's up to DH to sort him out. Don't worry about whether he showers or what his room looks like - that's DH's problems. Do not wash his clothes or sheets, don't do anything for him. Be polite but don't engage.

Give yourself the space as it sounds like you need it and think seriously about whether you want to stay with DH as it doesn't sound like he respects you much.