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Please do not criticize me

Clovergirl's picture

I feel bad and angry at the same time while the situation remains. I feel like a wicked person. I always wanted to be the blessing of the man I love and yet I have become a curse to him and him to me. BF kept saying his kids are well-behaved and polite and they are good kids. The truth is I don't care if they are good or bad, I simply don't want them around. I feel like my personal space is invaded and my peace is being disturbed. I just want them gone out of my sight and life forever. Please do not criticize me, I already know I am evil and I hate myself for it, I just can't help it. I struggle with the bad thoughts I have for them all day long. It is not good, the whole kids thing has brought out the worst in me; the part of me that I can't believe I have inside of me. I wish BM would fight for sole custody and BF would let her get them full time; or BF gets amnesia and forget he was ever married to BM and has kids. It happens in the movies, right? Aren't movies based on real life? I know, I am going out of my mind here. How could I let myself become so wicked evil? How did I get here? How do I get out? How did I lost all the sweetness in me? What's wrong with me?

Comments

Clovergirl's picture

Oh gosh!!! He knew how I feel, just not the severity I guess. He did say once that I am down and miserable when they are here. He didn't try to push them on me (his mother did before but BF told her not to), but he expressed it bothered him that I was not happy when they are around. DUH!!!

BSgoinon's picture

These feelings make you NORMAL. It is apparent that your SO doesn't have your back or have any intension on setting his kids straight on respecting you or making you feel a part of the family. You have some serious thinking to do. Is this relationship worth it??

overwhelmed_4's picture

It sounds like you don't have kids of your own. Even if you did you might still have these feelings and I think most of us have at one point or another. You can't be expected to have maternal feelings when you aren't a mother! I have bio kids, but don't like other peoples kids much and never have. It makes the task of being a SM even harder! I would seriously rethink your relationship if you are feeling like it's too much. You may love this man, but the kids will always be there.

Clovergirl's picture

Living together for 5 months. My problem is whether they occupy BF's time or not, I just don't enjoy them in the house on a regular basis. BF kept saying when they are 18, they won't be around so much as they will have their own lives. Right!! Another 7 or 8 darn years!!!

Clovergirl's picture

I read your blog. I could have written most of it myself. I am still living with BF but I constantly contemplate doing what you did, which means leaving. And we are having a rough patch at the moment, "really" rough.

Jerri's picture

I understand how you feel. I feel like a failure constantly because I hate my step kids. I am naturally a very loving mother,..but I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. My husband thinks I love them. Do u ever feel like your pretending ....(;?