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Can't believe my 30 yr marriage is about to end

stepfrancy's picture

I believe in the saying "A son is a son til he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life. Why are some DILs so evil?


stepfrancy's picture

She's an over educated (2 masters plus)3rd grade school teacher, and is soooo much better than everybody especially me and both daughters but she does at least like her husbands half sister, but now after all these trouble she has stirred the half sister is about to call them all because of what they are doing.

Disneyfan's picture

How can a teacher be over educated???? :? One of the PreK teachers at my school had a PHd. Two of our 4th grade teachers are currently working toward one as well.

stepfrancy's picture

If you don't apply your education, just get paid for it...there is a big difference and sometimes its private vs public and state to state. Sorry if I offended you!

Last In Line's picture

So sorry! Sometimes it reaches a point where you can no longer keep on trying, especially if you are the only one making an effort.

StepLady's picture

Feel bad for you, but at the same time what you brought you here? What do you hope to gain/learn on this page? Where does your husband lay in all this?

SugarSpice's picture

I am sorry to hear about this but it may be for the better. for 20 years of marriage i have been the last of my husbands priorities. when the skids became adults it was worse. i was merely someone to share household expenses and provide sex while the skids lived in another state with their mother.

when the skids grew up they moved near their father because he has an open wallet. skids ignored him when they were growing up and living with bm. now they are best friends with their father and text him several times a day. dh no longer had use for me and would rather spend time with his children.

my comfort is the knowledge that i can leave at any time and he wont ruin me. i will also get a portion of his retirement and social security. please find yourself a good lawyer so you know your rights.

stepfrancy's picture

Looked for a site like this for the past 6 months since all this began. Yesterday was horrible and when I decided maybe it would be best to file for divorce and finally be "free" of this with SS40 and his wife who instigated the whole thing. Her parents live near us and on a road we frequent quite often for a variety of reasons. Since SS lives 2 hrs away and works shifts we began to notice, about 2 yrs ago, her car at her parents weekend after weekend, also my daughter by former marriage saw it more than I. We also realized that even though she was 1 to 2 miles from our home she never came by with child/children or even called my husband to see or talk to his grandchildren. Our daughter, my SS half sister, came home one day and knew her SIL was at her mothers house and saw a toy in our house which made her think the DIL had been there with child and commented to her Dad that she was glad SIL had brought child by to see him. He told her he had not seen her and wanted to know if she was in town. Of course, daughter was torn to pieces for bringing this up and saw her fathers face and his continued actions for the rest of the day, quite, moody, generally just upset. Those emotions continued through the next day and daughter was so upset that she picked up phone, called her half brother and just asked why she was doing that to her dad. He said this was the only time it had happened and she just made a quick trip and didn't have time to let him know. Daughter told him how upset he was and that she hoped it didn't happen very often, knowing very well it was an ongoing situation. It then went downhill from there with DIL sending him to our house to take his dad for a ride and crying to him and telling him that my daughter by former marriage and I were telling people that she was keeping their children from seeing their grandfather. Then on Saturday before Easter it all blew up when they came for Easter dinner to her parents house because they forgot that we had Easter dinner on Saturday too, thought ours was on Sunday!!!!! Not for the last 25 yrs!

stepfrancy's picture

To answer StepLady, I guess I just like knowing soooooo many others have gone through this same thing. It helps to read some of the comments, so similar to what happened with me. As of yesterday my husband spent most of the day with his 2 sons and their wives and I was home crying and thinking about a divorce. We have had children since the day we married and after our daughter married this Spring our life was just beginning as the 2 of us but SS40 blessed me out on Saturday before Easter, telling me I was a horrible step mother and even my only brother and all his family knew just how bad I treated him. Of course, I went straight to my brother and he was dumb founded and just said something like, "it might not have been PERFECT but nobody ever said that". Then my husband asked his son a few days later just what I did that was so horrible and SS said "I didn't say that". He was afraid to question him because he was afraid he would go off on him then. He said he was so shocked at his yelling and screaming that he felt he might be having a "nervous breakdown". Nervous breakdown my foot it's that narcisstic wife of his. But it appears that husband will not buck son and therefore jumps when they call, runs 4 hrs drive round trip and they have their little family reunion without me, the wicked stepmother.

stepfrancy's picture

They came to wedding, seated themselves in back and left within minutes of it being over. I just don't understand why they bothered to come if they intended to do that. Were not there for cake cutting, dancing, sparkler send off, nothing. That's ok but strange to me.

notsobad's picture

They came so that they could say that they came. Look at them taking the high road and being nice, they were there and didn't interfere or take your spotlight away on your special day. (I need a sarcasm icon!)

stepfrancy's picture

You are right! I have allowed their abuse in many ways. I just wish SS had not allowed her to return in his life after he broke off with her for about a year prior to giving her a ring! He has always clammed up when it comes to issues that affect him. When DH found out he was going through some problems with his mother's new husband he called to talk to him (back then long distant call and costly). DH tried everything just to get him to say a word. He told him he had gotten a call from a family member that said he was sleeping with a ball bat under his bed and he was afraid of SD. SS never answered one question, he was about 10 or ll at that time. They were on the phone for a long time with him just breathing. DH told him he would come get him but he would not speak, one way or another. It was so painful for both of us. Then when we would see us he would talk to us about coming to live with us when he was 12 because he could make that choice and if we didn't ask the judge for custody he wouldn't have to say anything bad against his mother! Well, low and behold, that's what he did..waited it out and at 12 moved in with us. The younger son wanted to come too but she took him into another room, talked to him, he comes out with big smile and announced "I'm staying with Momma. She's buying me a gym set for the yard". BM comes out and tells him she would mail his clothes and that was the end of that! It was horrible, I felt sooooo sorry for him and he appeared sooooo sad on the way home, but lightened up a few days later. We had ups and downs but never anything serious that I remember. I do recall, however, that he broke a LOT of my things, always saying it was an accident but it was very often and, eventually, I didn't think he was telling the truth. Many times it was things very precious to me and he saw me cry and many times he would try to hide it but it seemed I would always find it, so he never tried very hard.

Anyway, one day DH was somewhere and ran into the girlfriend (wife now). She told him SS had broken up with her over the phone a wk or so prior. They were planning to visit with some of her friends and he hadn't gotten there so she called to see when he was coming. Apparently he told her he was depressed, things were not working out and he wouldn't be coming around anymore. He never told his dad anything about it that amounted to much, just said they were not on the same wave link and her dreams and plans were not the same as his. Apparently she wanted 5 or more kids, to travel a lot, big house, etc. He was a small town boy with friends here and she really wasn't interested in them except after he broke it off and she wouldn't leave any of them alone asking about him. Some said she "drove them crazy because they didn't know what to say". She cornered me in the parking lot of the grocery store and kept telling me "we were talking about getting married", wanted to know if I knew anything. She said he was "depressed and had an uncle that committed suicide over depression". That is not true....he has no Bio uncles according to his dad! His BM started sending him bottles of St John's Wart....they were coming to our home. Well girl friend stalked him for the longest until finally met up with him, where she knew he would be that fall, and got him to "talk" somewhere and it was engagement from there. Things really changed. She started doing more in our hometown with his friends and invited most of them to wedding, except for one couple (he dated wife before she married and while SS was broken off his gf). She is soooo jealous of this young woman and it radiates everytime she sees her at friends parties, I've watched. This young woman is absolutely beautiful and I have had so many people ask why he didn't stay with her but I truly don't believe there was any interest on the young woman's part, probably had eyes then for the man she later married.

Just rambling now I guess but I can see the narcissism was there then but I certainly overlooked. Her little attacks on me and my daughter have continued off and on but continued to get worse until we are here in the present. SS believes every word she says and the worse part is my family thinks of him as family and just wants me to put it aside and as you say "get over it". They have no idea just how bad this is not a is my life now and they are still included but "Not Me or Daughter! We have holidays coming up, it's always at my home and I am afraid they will do me like they did Easter when this happened...not show (my own family...all I have) Why is this happening? So MANY unanswered questions and sleepless nights plus tears.

stepfrancy's picture

Sueu2 is feeling a lot like I am. I believe they are getting a charge out of him running to them and leaving me home. This is not the first time since this blow up that they have called him to come and certainly won't be the last I'm sure. I don't want to be around them at all and they know I won't come even if they asked, why should I? Remember, SS even told my BD by former marriage that she is dead to him because she just let him heard what she had seen from his wife and she can't stand to see her leave her SD (HIS FATHER) out when it comes to grandchildren...but as you see, she really doesn't care who she leaves out. To be honest, my daughter is a whole lot better to him than his BS has ever been. Son calls more after this problem then he ever has but calls or texts, never calls home phone because he knows I usually answer that.

stepfrancy's picture

I so wish he would do that also, talk in front of me. I was just shocked when SS drove off with husb that day, returned, and didn't come in, so unlike him. We had both grown so much since he first came to live with us and I felt we had survived some of the worse and had actually become friends. He always sent such sweet cards to me for Mother's Day and very nice, well thought out gifts for bday and Christmas. Many times he would spend way too much but he was a single young man making his way and really seemed to enjoy! My family was his and they grew together. We really had it all until wife came into pic as girl friend first.
I recall since all of this, several conversations with her that I should have beaded in on but DH would never believe, even as he does now. Once as girl friend she announced to my husb and myself that when she and he married "all this giving at Christmas was going to stop", he was "spending too much". All she did was wrap for him and even complained about that. Boy, did that happen, first Christmas very little, but we didn't mind, no one did. Second Christmas even got with my niece and called others telling they would no longer be giving gifts to anyone but children and wanted others to follow. Of course, they did what they wanted and didn't understand what the call was all about. That year my BD (by former marriage) and her husb got nothing and that began the dismissing of her and her family from their life pretty much.
Then after they had child she would hand my BD an invite to bday parties and say "but we don't expect you to come, just didn't want to leave you out". She would smile and say "oh, we will probably be there", busting her bubble! What an evil person she is and it only got worse.
I realize it is natural that a daughter my use her mothers svs more often than a MIL and less than a SMIL but she has asked DH twice if he would keep child, not even considering me. He of course, never even gives it a second thought.
When the blow up came she told me I had never invited them to my home and I was the Hostess and the Hostess was suppose to do that. I informed her I was not a Hostess... I was a mother, grandmother, sister, and aunt and that DH had never failed to call son and let him know day and hour of anything going on in our home. That was not good enough so I said "let's ask him" and then SS started ranting and raving, screaming, "we are leaving, we will never be back, make yourself the victim, you treated me awful as a child (ask your own family, they know). Later said if Dad wanted to see children he could come (2 hr drive, there and back). I kept looking at her and you would not believe this evil smirk she had on her face, it was almost scary but very child-like (strange). At that moment I knew she was so satisfied with her accomplishments. Then the text was sent to BD (former marriage) with love to begin with...then "you are dead to me" after hearing her side of the story about his precious wife and how she ignored his father time after time after time with visits to her family and not even a call to him for months and months. How could she have been so stupid to think she could get by with it. I would have people tell me on Sunday morning at church that they had seen her and the child over the weekend. I would just smile and say "really?"
Then, I guess, she came up with her made up story to tell husb that his step sister and I were telling that she was keeping his father from seeing gkids and how it hurt her. We NEVER told one person but, the problem is that in a small town, people know things and there are NO secrets! She apparently forgets this because she moved away to a city and became city-fied!. She did tell me, the day of blow up, that she would not tell me who told her because she did not want to "involve" them. My sis in law believes it possibly came from a conversation they had similar to that several weeks before but she swears it was not the way she repeated to SS. My SIL knew she had been coming w/o letting my DH know and, being the honest person she is, just asked her "Why do you do that?" She has even been back to my SIL and said "I don't know why she doesn't want us in her home anymore, I love her soooooooooooo much". By the way, I call her the original GONE GIRL (have you seen the movie?).
You know, just writing in down brings it back so clearly, but I also believe it helps. I have prayed and prayed about this and I know God is very unhappy with the feelings I hold for her in my heart. I just can't stop remembering all this and should have seen it when he broke it off with her for about a year. She stalked him and finally talked him into going somewhere to talking. But....that is another part of this story! Maybe I should write a book and...change the names to protect the guilty! See maybe today I can have a little humor back in my life!