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Schedule Blues (& Grays)

CLove's picture

SO, DH waited until today to ask SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin to ask her mother to change the schedule.

He specified Monday-Sunday. I specifically had discussed Monday-Monday (like it was before for oh, about a million years, before B/M decided SHE wanted a change because of some convoluted excuse of I dont want to log in and show everyone my mothers apartment...something she didnt quite explain very well, which we were sympathetic to AT THE TIME).

ACK! When dealing with these people you have to be VERY firm. And VERY detailed/definite.

I so wanted to hit him over the head...

WELL, it went a bit south. You see SD15 Backstabber is used to getting her way. In general, especially with BFF-Mom, Toxic Troll. Shes used to the "power", especially after Grade-gate with me where she got to keep her phone, get rid of me and fail art (yes I checked, failed art = FART).

SHE wants Sunday-to-Sunday drop off/pick up. What she doesnt think of is that it totally breaks up each households routine and everything. I even described it to her. The routines of week and weekend. She doesnt really care of course, because she wants what she wants. We were all three together talking and she emphatically stated that SHE wants to have Sunday through Sunday so that SHE can bring her stuff between households. Which NORMALLY I would be sympathetic to, but well, no sympathy from me, sweetheart. Not now. BUT the kicker is that every school day, she is going to be dropped off at our house anyway. "Oh but then Id have to bring my stuff in my back pack so I would need a second backpack". To which I mentioned "well, you can stop here to get what you need then".

We did this BEFORE, this was the EXACT schedule before distance learning. She just needs to be more organized.

Why am I making this an issue? BECAUSE it is disruptive to transition. To US as well as HER. We want to do more traveling (I mentioned this) and we would have to just not travel? We get paid vacations, and to maximize that we go weekend to weekend. And theres always weekend trips. So, what, we cut the trip short so we can pick her up?

This is her convenience VS our convenience. This is a preference not a need. JUST like WEd-Wed and the in-person electives.

So, now, we have pouty Mc pouterson in her room on the phone to Kansas City, and at dinner time, probably get to see pouty Mc pouterson again... and more "negotiating" so I have to think fast. I have reiterated to DH about how it "breaks up the weekend EVERY weekend". He nods. I know that I need to tread lightly (because Tears and Crying and Hanging of Head plucks daddys heart string every time and then its cLove is bad and hates kid), but am trying to quickly figure out how to head things off. Keep me in your positive thoughts!

 

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

Why is the kid making decisions re custody arrangements and visitation schedules? I've never heard such a thing. Why is it being negotiated with a kid? Where is dad in all this? Does he just listen to you explaining things to SD? 

Parents decide what's custody arrangement going to be, or it's decided by a court system if they don't agree, and that's how arrangements were going to play out. End of story. Even the most lenient parents don't ask kids to make custody decisions. That's insane 

CLove's picture

We were already at a Mon-Mon schedule. When distance learning happened, she decided that for whatever reason SHE wanted to change to Wed-Wed schedule (something to do with ROTC and the camera being on).

The Bio parents are generally very lenient with her and let her get away with things because shes generally decent. If she strongly wants something they generally give it to her if its possble, and generally they are small things (violin, ipad,etc).

Ive been told "this is what teens do, they try to negotiate everything, its a part of their individuation process".

Well, having a weekend alone is a part of MY individuation process.

Yes, she will approach her father (when shes at our house) state her problem/issue/complaint and then her solution/wishes, and why it benefits her. She has multiple agendas. Her stated and hidden. The stated agenda was that she doesnt have enough clothes and "things" at either house (easy to fix, bring things with you or pick up on the way...). The hidden agenda is that she doesnt want to go an entire weekend without being able to talk on the phone to Kansas City. She wants to have her room every weekend. Causing us to not have ANY weekends to ourselves. I see what she is doing.

How much to tell DH? I get burned everytime I reveal too much or talk about it too much. He just needs to know parameters and why, Period.

Ive told him many times  "the child does not dictate our schedule"

Cover1W's picture

Been there and live this. YSD declares her schedule, DH agrees, only then am I maybe informed...or informed when she arrives.

Let's go back to the disengagement from schedules you have no say in. Stay out of all discussions.

If you have said your preference once and explained why you are done.

Now when she does end up with Sun-Sun, you provide ZERO help. Nada. Nicely tell your DH you had no say and he let a teen dictate it and it's now not your problem.

Vacation and weekends away? Go yourself. I know you'd rather go with your DH but he didn't prioritize his relationship with you did he? Go enjoy yourself. Certainly you have friends to visit/take with you or places you want to see? Just go do it without him.

Stop worrying that they will see you as the evil SM if you stand up for yourself. You aren't and that's that.

CLove's picture

I just happened to be in the room.

And DH gets confused when she "puts him on the spot". Especially after a long day at work. I have to coach him...I know that sounds really bad, but he was strong when he was solid about the schedule. For some weird reason hes forgotten that this is what was on before, so we are just geting back to that.

I did say "hey we will be gone Sundays...we will be off doing things, so youd end up with Monday anyway you look at it". Because no house key...

I have the feeling that she understands that if she gets him alone and "activates her mother to her cause", she will have a better chance of "winnn=ing her case". Because it will be them against evil SM.

And Im already making my plans in case it goes the other way. But Sundays are my day to relax alone, or our day to go and have breakfast and laze around and do chores sometimes. I just want my weekends!

Livingoutloud's picture

Why can't you still have your weekend? I am just not getting it. People with minor kids still do things. She is not an infant. She doesn't even need a baby sitter. Do you think people with teens at home don't go to breakfast or laze around or do chores? Life goes on when kids are at home.  

I understand you want time alone with DH with no kids but if he wants the same, he'll make arrangements. Otherwise just stop arranging your life around him and his kid. If he isn't making time with you a priority then why are you bending backwards?

CLove's picture

OK, this will sound bad but Im childless and House Guest Backstabber, while more independent, still is THERE. In her room. On the phone. ALL day. Doing nothing to help. Pops out for food (shes obese and eats a lot). If H takes me out for breakfat, he feels like he has to provide for her too, a guilt thing? She can make her own. So, yeah, in NORMAL INTACT homes, the kids are there and the parents do their thing.

SHES NOT MY KID, she is a houseguest that eats my food. Exists in my space. And right now, after her recent turncoat backstabbing without repercussions and then the whole non vacation which ended up being un fun, I just want a weekend without HER there.

And I have a feeling that shes going to try to negotiate when Im not around. And thats fine. He needs to prioritize. If he doesnt, then I will go to the next step.

Livingoutloud's picture

Well we all or most of us prefer if stepkid aren't there. But that's just not how it goes. As nasty as she is it's her home too. 

After my ex stepfamily craziness (my ex put adult  kids above everything else and one lived with us), I'd never date anyone with minor kids or anyone who'd want adult kids to live at home. Minor kids can always end up with you full time. 

But since you do have a minor kid at home, count your blessings that she is in her room with doors closed. It shouldn't bother you. in fact it gives you freedom to do whatever. DH should provide her with food. Put a small fridge in the bedroom and keep your food there. 

be careful telling SD to alter her schedule. She'll use it against you as "SM doesn't want me there". 

bearcub25's picture

What about making the pu/do time late Sunday evening, like 7 or so?  That way you still get weekend time with and without her and she is just basically bringing her stuff and then go to bed.

CLove's picture

Ive thought of orchestrating things so that we are so late and tired, he HAS to do pu/do on Monday. That has happened many times where he is just too tired to pick up, get in the car, drive over, because Toxic Troll does no trasnport. It was mentioned, but of course SD doesnt care about the inequality of this.

She wants what she wants.

We have a very active life. And It breaks up the weekend.

FinallySkidFree's picture

Why does this kid have a voice? I am so confused. The answer should be NO, schedule will be this and that is that.

CLove's picture

I just started reading about this. She has lenient parents and shes the Golden Child. Generally shes decent and ok, and doesnt really ask for too much. Not much of a problem. So when she has "issues" or complaints, they try to accomodate.

I know - one of the things that bothers me about the parenting style is that DH hates saying no to anyone (issue), and when he sais no to her he always feels like he has to have a good justification. A reason. No means no, but he doesnt follow that, I have tried.

CLove's picture

But when it comes to the child/children. There I have previously had no say. I wanted a trip, I got a trip. I wanted a boat, got a boat. I want to go here and there, we do. IM the planner of the family.

BUT when I am in opposition to something Golden Child Backstabber wants, then I get shot down. Because his fear is driving him. Fear of full custody for Toxic Troll.

Livingoutloud's picture

I had an ex like that. That's why he is an ex. 

Full custody fear is an excuse. The kid is 15. And no one suing for full custody and no one is going to get full custody. And he knows it. It's convenient though. 
 

caninelover's picture

I get your point, it will mess up every weekend pretty much.  And as much as one can practice disengagement it's impossible to completely ignore another live human in the house.

Mon- Sun should be more reasonable.  B/m can bring her stuff Mondayorning or pick it up after school.  She can have a preference but it should be the adults deciding.

CLove's picture

HMMM. Trying visualise Monday through Sunday. What that would look like. It still breaks up the weekend for DH, because he does all trasnport, no matter who house shes at. Its ALWAYS a hassle. In addition to every weekday transport.

FinallySkidFree's picture

I think THAT is the main issue. The fact that DH does all transporting. That's not fair. Clove, honestly, they are gonna do whatever they are gonna do. You have disengaged, let him deal with his crap. Live your life. That's what I had to learn to do when it came time to Skids and DH. He wanted to be the Disney Dad, I wanted no part in it. I would pick up and make plans with my girlfriends and leave him home to deal with his spawn. Eventually the SD got PAS'ed out by age 14/15 and we haven't seen her since and SS got kicked out of our house once and for all at age 25. They grow, they leave and then we get to enjoy whatever is left.

FinallySkidFree's picture

Wait so she has a car and still does NO transporting? That's a pretty sweet deal. Uugghhh...

FinallySkidFree's picture

What "stuff" does she need to bring back and forth aside from her school stuff? I only ask because DS gets his DD Wed-Sun every other week and she comes with NOTHING but her school bag. She has EVERYTHING she needs at both homes. Basically, she has 2 of everything as far as electronics go - one for Mom's house one for Dad's house. And she has TONS of clothes in both homes, so there is no need for her to ever bring an overnight bag.

simifan's picture

What about Sunday evenings... DH Can go pick up/drop off SD whenever you get home from your outings? 

Chmmy's picture

So now Munchkin is a backstabber Sad

We were all hoping for better from her. How id toxic troll and the check forger? Haven't been around 

CLove's picture

Yeah. School-gate. She asked for my help getting her grades up and turned out she just wanted to avoid conflict with her parents.

When I actually did what I said I would she "activated" her mother, accusing me of harrassing her, so her mother accused me of abusing her.

She has learned to lie and manipulate and re-write history. At least its not random - she had a goal - to keep her contact with a bestie, Kansas City, whom shes on the phone to each and every day for hours.

Long story in a nutshell version.

Hope you are well.

AgedOut's picture

I'd make several points and stick to them: 1. If she is going to ruin every weekend, it will be his weekend she ruins. You will still go out to breakfast, just with friends and without him. You will still take overnight trips but since he won't be able to join you you will take plenty of pics to show him. You will not miss out on concerts/shows/activities. He will and he'd best watch out becuase you might just decide life without him is nicer than life w/ him and her. 2. If she doesn't plan ahead, she can go without her "stuff".  3. He made this mess, he can clean it up. But he'd better be real sure his inability to say "no" doesn't end up with you looking at marriage w./ him and saying "No more!"