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No F's Great JOB!!!!

CLove's picture

So SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin did it. She pulled her F in art up to a C and got a D in Orchestra (how I do not know- she completed 2 out of 20 assignments, but I think teacher just doesnt want to see her again or hear from anyone either)

She did pull 2 A's, and 3 B's a C in honors english (that was a big shocker too...). 

Not that I am going to pay on those. 

I sent the report card to Husband and he was "Look I told you - no F's" so I unleashed and he took it reasonably well!!!! No multi-paragraph rant in retaliation. He just said "ok you vented, now what?"

Ive included my Rant for entertainment value...

*** Begin Text message Rant to Husband:

Yes, I printed out her report card to post on the fridge. 
"No Fs! Great JOB! Congratulations on all your HARD WORK!!!"

who freaking cares that I helped get her into her culinary class. Who freaking cares about the 25 plus missing assignments. who freaking cares about the 300 plus $$$ I spent as incentives and art supplies. AND the book I purchased that she did no assignments on. OR the rosin I bought for her violin that she did barely any assignments on.
WHO CARES?

But, sure, pat her on the back as you hand over the $40. great job no fs who cares that you lied about CLove and made false accusations.

and HURT CLove's HEART - STOMPED ON CLove's HEART.

GREAT JOB Backstabber/Munchkin!!!

Comments

advice.only2's picture

You are caring more than that parent's again CLove, you have to stop. If he really cared he would have looked her grades up himself and if he really cared he would have told you. Use this summer as a way to start removing yourself more and more and leaving it to your DuH to figure this stuff out.

AgedOut's picture

you're still waist deep in it. you won't find your balance until you actually do what you say you will. you need to not just say you'll step back and then actually do it. 100% do it. otherwise this is your new normal.nothing has changed at all. not for her, not for him, not for you. 

CLove's picture

What that actually looks like.

I did not buy her birthday presents, but I did go shopping with them. I do not text her funny memes, or share nice photos. Shes blocked on all my social media. I stay in the house, but look for things to do when shes there, I do not concern myself with whether shes hungry or not, I do not call her out to have a meal. But I did buy us pizza one day. Because it would be bad if I just had it all myelf.

But Ive withdrawn myself from all pickups/drop offs. And made it known I will do zero trasnport for any reason.

I am not paying on the A's. 

Im not concerning myself with absences. There were a few and I just raised an eyebrow. So - progress!

CLove's picture

Its now a closed Gradebook.

Cover1W's picture

Agree with all the others - you are letting yourself get drawn in again.

Do not log into the portal. Do not look or comment on the report card. Do not engage in anything.  Done, be done.

CLove's picture

Yes. No more logging into the portal. Freshman year is over, I am out. 

Im still mad.

Im shredding the printed report card. Report card? What report card? Never saw it, what is the room temperature? did you feed the dog?

Cover1W's picture

Good.  And what I did with report cards or things sent in the mail that were left out for over a month and no one touched them?  Gone, bye-bye and hello recylce bin.

StepUltimate's picture

... so the later History Revision attempts can be DISPROVED my me, The Bad Guy(TM), who was in the same boat as CLove = trying to be the Ultimate Step Mom here to fix all the Holy 1st & 2nd Failed Family b.s., to similar result. 

Hardcopy file + digital screenshots of the grades & missed attendance. Exhibit A, b*tches! 

/burnt OUT on the b.s.

CLove's picture

school-gate.

so there is a good comparison and tracking of what happened. Rigt after school-gate the As and Bs went downhill and I tracked all th missed asignments as well.

Im also burnt out. Havent taken Backstabber out for the typical "Start of Summer" excursions. This was my way of bonding. Taking her out to places and stuff. Now, I do for myself. Husband doesnt do this kind of thing.

Gimlet's picture

You've started to detach emotionally and this is a bit of a setback.  You are not going to get the validation you want here.  Passing is good enough for your husband and for SD and they simply are not going to recognize your contributions.  Their standards and values are not your standards and values.

There is no justice to be had here.  You did your best, she threw you under the bus to defend herself, and that is that.  The sooner you stop expecting fairness, the better off you will be.  There is no blood from this turnip.

I know it feels personal, but it's not personal in the sense that it's about anything you did wrong.  It's a dysfunctional system and that is just the way it behaves.  You are on the right track stepping out of it, cLove.  It's going to keep getting easier the more you practice it.

CLove's picture

Im not contributing to anything for her. Ive been good about that. No pick/ups drop/offs even though its on my way. No bday presents from me.

But dang that report card! Backsliding hurts. Like going up a metal slide.

Gimlet's picture

You cannot change the outcome.  This isn't your situation to fix, cLove.

I have good boundaries with YSS and there are times that things happen that hurt a bit, and those are the times that I realize that I've started believing that I can fix anything for him without his active participation. 

He either wants to change and grow, or it won't happen, and all the effort and wisdom on the planet won't change that.  I care about him, but I cannot get attached to his outcomes or I won't be able to maintain the emotional distance I need to be healthy in a situation I cannot control.

CLove's picture

Im angry and still attached to that.

Once I learn to let go, it seems like there is no going back. I yearn for the more innocent days when I was  allowed to care and contribute!

Gimlet's picture

It might change in the future.  SD may someday recognize that her FOO is unhealthy and decide she want something different, but right now she doesn't see it and you can't make her see it.  So, for now, you set emotional boundaries that are good for you because you know you can't be invested and still be happy.

She is choosing her path and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it in the current situation. 

CLove's picture

Foo meaning - I had to look it up. 

(slang) Fool, foolish person.
noun
12

(slang) Alternative spelling of foo (short form of fool)
noun

A popular name for a temporary file, function or variable, or an example of same in documentation. Often used with "bar" to create "foobar," which is a variation of FUBAR. FUBAR came out of World War II and means "F***ed Up Beyond All Recognition."

Expression of disappointment or disgust.
Oh foo - the cake burnt!

interjection

(computing) A metasyntactic variable used to represent an unspecified entity. If part of a series of such entities, it is often the first in the series, and followed immediately by a bar

Stepdrama2020's picture

Doing good does not get rewarded when wasted on a backstabbing munchkin. Lesson learned.

Seems you have far more to give, but just not on her. I hope your DH recognizes what you have done.

BTDT with my ex snot faced SD and low class daddio. Lessons learned to never repeat.

You backslided. Cut yourself some slack. Straighten that crown and keep on moving.

CLove's picture

I went back and read your posts - you are definitely on track - glad you are still here to give your wisdome and knowledge and support to those of us who need it 

Biggrin Straighten that crown - back atcha!

JRI's picture

You gave your love, time, money and energy to help someone you love.  There's nothing wrong with that, it's hard for me to believe that spreading our love is wrong.

Setting the whole step issue aside, Munchkin is a teenager.  It's her job to break away and rebel. As a parent or parent figure, it hurts.  I can remember the feeling of betrayal I felt when DD started to break away.  I saw the pain in my mother's face when I did it 

As you realize, it's healthiest to concentrate on your own life to keep from getting hurt more.  That's what I did by going back to work full time and going back to school.  That's what my mom did as she went into her volunteer work more.

Just one backslide, no big deal.  On to school.....

CLove's picture

Isnt so much the need for her to separate from the parental unit to figure out and establish her independance, its more HOW she did this.

Stomping on my heart, and now Im the bad guy who "harassed" her and "damaged" her. AND her claim that I did nothing to help her at all. That one really steams me up. The pure and utter lack of appreciation.

DPW's picture

I know you want an apology or some kind of act from her to help you get over this, but you are going to have to find closure on your own. To me, it's a coping skill... that you do not need another for closure after something bad happens to the relationship. I learnt this from a great therapist I had in my 20s, after my mother died and I felt I could not get closer about our shitty relationship and my therapist told me that I could still get closure without having to have a conversation or some great apology from her for everything she did to me. It brought me a lot of relief to hear that and then even more relief when I fully understood it. 

Try it. Maybe write one last letter and burn it. Maybe decide you'll wallow for a bit more in a funk and then come next Monday, you choose to no longer give any space in your head to her. Free up that space for school. I know it's still raw, but there is a time when you'll have to let it go to be healthy again. I hope that time is soon for you. 

DPW's picture

Another thing, there comes a time in life, I think, that most of us have to realize that when we do good for others, it will not be reciprocated or even thanked for it. When this happens at the beginning, it's hard and we don't understand the whys. But others who have gone before us tell us that a good deed is not one that is expected to be returned. Chalk this up to you doing a good deed and like I said above, move on and get away from all this headspace-renting drama!

CLove's picture

We all appear like things are "fine", and she even hugged me goodbye last Thursday. She "chats" and we are very polite to each other. Its exhausting. I know that I cannot trust her now, more than ever.

Maybe Im harping too much on the appreciation angle. But I feel totally stomped on and crapped on. I stuck my neck out for her and got my head chopped off. At least I know I did my best and what I thought was the right thing. 

Under the surface is where Im struggling. Meeting new people, doing new things...that definitely helps. But yes, too much space in that head of mine. 

CLove's picture

Was it time? Was it filling your life with meaningful activities and engagements?

Its interesting that you bring that up. There are many things that I am having trouble getting closure on. 

A letter. Well, she comes to our house for the visitation tomorrow, so Im hoping to get closure sooner than later.

Im hoping this will be my last post on this issue, as a closure for Freshman-Gate or whatever...

Tried out's picture

whom he saw when his father walked out (and actually said "I'll still come to his games" which was a given because DS was the big high school star and who would pass up basking in his glory?) had him write a letter to his father telling him what he thought of him. I don't think he ever actually sent it but that wasn't the point - the purpose of the exercise was to get what he was feeling out from inside of him. It did seem to help him.