You are here

How to share without oversharing with SD13

CLove's picture

This topic has come up quite a bit, and there are even memes around it - oversharing adult issues with kiddos.

Not having a bio of my own, I am having a tough time with establishing a place where its TMI.

- I get that there needs to be boundaries with SD13 when DH and I argue. She has maybe once seen us argue about anything, I absolutely NEVER draw her in. However, she will ask questions and quiz me after the I explain, in an unemotional way my side of things? I dont explain to make her father the enemy at all, just give my feelings on things, which of course are situational.

- We are buying a house together. Should she have knowledge of the finances behind it? She has been asking questions like "why dont we move there" (to town she goes to school in that we all love, and that DH gew up in near the ocean) should I explain the prices of houses in our area (300-450k) comparing them to houses where quite frankly we all want to be but cannot afford right now? (500-650k). Or is this too much? I always try to explain finances so that she will understand things better and aspire to things in a realistic way.

- ok, sex ed. I know its in schools, but no one ever explains pleasure toys. Do you explain that stuff or leave it alone (I leave it alone....but munchkin keeps finding her sisters stuff..ewe.)

- How much we make at garage sales and selling things...I came from a family that keeps all finacials private. SD13 asks how much we make, all the time. I put her off. I am not happy sharing these things with her.

 - How much our salaries are. Im not comfortable talking about that either. But I think it might be good to talk about it sometime so she can envision what she can expect as a first time worker, and what she can look forward to after college...

- Bills. I think I should share bills and involve her in what the amounts are. But maybe its too stressful, esp since Toxic Troll is stressing her out about eviction threats.



SteppedOut's picture

I think finances should be private, same with bills. 

I do think it's ok to say things like, homes in thst area are out of our price range. 

Sex ed should be left to parents... but at 13, I doubt she is innocent. 

Arguments? She shouldn't/doesn't need to know. 

ESMOD's picture

As far as the house search goes.. I think it's fine to tell her.. that "yeah.. we like that area too.. but the houses are really out of our price range... we are looking in Y neighborhood because there are a lot of nice options we can afford.

Your salary..or DH's? NO.. absolutely not.

Bills?  NO.. she should not need to know anything beyond.. "no.. we don't get the supreme cable package because we don't want to waste all that extra money on that".

Sex ed?  Again.. no.. unless you really feel compelled that there is no one else giving her absolutely NEEDED information to protect herself... 

kids don't need to be brought into family finances to the point that they are feeling insecure about their homes.  It's fine to tell a kid that you can't afford a luxury.. but the kid doesn't need to hear fights about the fact that you can't put food on the table or are getting evicted.  

I do think it's important for kids to learn the value of money though.. so it is usually good to let them gain some experience with this personally... even take them to the grocery store to see what "things cost" and learning to "budget"

Re arguments in general.. best if she is not involved.. your dad thought he was right.. I thought I was right.. we came to a resolution.. 

my SD's would hear me and my SO do the petty little arguments like "you are following that truck too close.. no I'm not.. etc.."  but not big issues.. because we didn't want BM knowing anything.. and nothing spreads like wildfire like a fight..haha

CLove's picture

to argue - the garage. But lately we havent had anything come up.

We used to argue all the time about SD20 Feral Forger and Toxic Troll and her boundary busting behavior.

I will deflect all financials in the future.

ESMOD's picture

I was always taught that we don't "discuss money in polite company".. its "gauche"

As a kid.. I knew that being told something was too expensive meant we couldn't have it.. but I didn't know how much our electric bill was.. but that didn't mean I didn't understand that "wasting electricity" was wrong.

I mean.. "why" does she need to know your salary? to tell mom? to brag to friends? to try to tell you how to spend it?  It's private adult business.. 

CLove's picture

Yes, I wondered that too. I think she might be gathering intel to give her mother.

Im suspecting that next year, when the "now-not-so-big-payout" from her workmans comp claim has run out, since she is not currently working a reall job (does sidework cleaning under the table), that she will revisit the child support amount - because thats what you do when spousal support runs its course - and try to get my salary included in the calculations. Here in California, you can simply not fill that in, however last year we filed jointly.

So - Im thinking her mother is asking her, and she is being friendly and asking me..but then I could be projecting because Stephell has made me bitter and resentful!

ESMOD's picture

Next time tell her "nunya" is what you make.. when she says "nunya".. as in "nunya business"..and laugh.. 

it is a good time at that point to explain that it's rude to ask people how much money they have or make.

CLove's picture

LOL!!!! Nunya. Ill remember that.

I grew up with parents that said nunya a lot.

Biggrin Thanks!

CLove's picture

She wants to start baking, so Ill take her to the store and have her hunt out the ingredients.

And when we go resale shopping I give her a budget.

ESMOD's picture

those are great life skills.. learning to budget and make decisions on what to spend limited resources on.  planning.. organizing.. budgeting.. all skills she can learn without knowing what you make:)

CLove's picture

Im still wrapping my head around triggers. This happens when Munchkin will be talking about things like her room, and her sister and her mother.

They just pop up suddenly. We are talking about what she wants to do with her room at our house, and then she will say "maybe I can get a daybed for my room..." and Im nodding my head in agreement and then all of a sudden - BOOM "yeah and we can take my bed I have right now and put it in my moms place because its broken down..."

Out of no where she is suddenly suggesting that we help furnish her mothers apartment.

And then I cross that TMI line and say something like "well your mother gets child suport, maybe she can get you one..."

And suddenly the conversation/mood comes crashing down!

Lollybobs's picture

There's no right way really to deal with any of it. You just go with gut instinct half the time! 

- Arguments. When the skids were small, they rarely heard us argue but on the occasions they did, they were far more 'interested' than our own kids have ever been. Maybe because they witnessed much worse arguments between their parents which ultimately led to divorce. Our line has always been 'everybody disagrees at times so we just had to find a solution that we were both happy with.'

- Buying a house: Agree with her suggestions that it would be lovely to live in xxx but it's a bit too pricey so you'd rather live in yyy. Don't mention figures because this can be fed back to BM

-Sex toys: Bloody hell, don't go there. She can work it out for herself when she's older!

 - Salaries/income etc: I was taught that it's not polite to discuss finances but I appreciate that others may feel differently. If she asks how much you made at a yard sale, say something along the lines of 'enough to buy a take-away pizza for tea'. Be very aware that anything financial will probably make its way back to BM. 

The only time we gave the skids any indication of financial amounts was when we  had a situation where YSD was inconsolable one day because BM had told her that DH paid nothing and they only had enough money left for one week's food. Knowing the amount DH did pay, I told him to show skids his bank statements which clearly showed an extortionate amount being paid every month to BM. Other than that though, we never talked figures and we don't with our own pair.



CLove's picture

with tea - love it!!!

ok, yes, so its not me being weird that I dont like discussing finances with kiddo.

yikes, yeah, BMs like to play victim in stephell.

DarkStar's picture

SDthen13 asked me if I was rich. "Yes, yes I am."
"Are you as rich as my Dad?"
"No, but he has you 3 kids to take care of."
"Oh, OK"

CLove's picture

When Munchkin SD13 asks if my parents are rich, I just say "they are comfortable..."

BethAnne's picture

For the rich/poor quesion I always say that there are always people with more than us and there are always people with less than us. I might then elaborate that we are lucky that we can afford everything that we need and some of what we want.

Livingoutloud's picture

Most certainly discussing sex toys with 13 year old is not a good idea whatsoever. Mentioning that people live/ buy houses etc according to their means is perfectly normal. No need to share specifics. Kids don’t need to know details about adult arguments. And it’s better to refrain from arguing too much when kids are around