You"re right, she's a hormonal teen.  My counselor used to tell me that if they can act out at home some, then they don't act up outside the home.   It sounds like you handled it all well.   How did it end?

Sounds like she can use paper plates and plastic utensils moving forward. 

You handled this well.

The more you disengage the less she will dump on you. She wants so badly for you to react so the cycle continues where she is the victim.

Such a shame for power sulker cause you aint playing.

As for DH if he somehow turns this around on you just tell him to  go suck on a lemon. 

Blessings

You need to cease being the official home enforcer.  Stop it.  It is doing nothing but feeding into the conflict with her.

I go back to that saying "correction without connection" breeds resentment.

Look.. I know that at one time, you feel your relationship was great.. that she had a genuine affinity for you.. and to a certain extent this may be true.. but it is also certainly a possibility that she was just nice to someone doing things for her she liked... getting things for her.. she knew which side of the bread was being buttered. 

But, now.. as you over functioned for her father (and mother) for so long.. she has developed the perspective that you are her "keeper"..enforcer.. and she resents the interference.. as she becomes more "adult" and pulls away from home. (it's not a straight line thing here).

I say this kindly.. but what you think she should do doesn't matter. Your ideas of personal responsibility may well be right.. but it doesn't matter.. your opinion.. your efforts don't matter here.

If her father is not interested in holding her feet to the fire.. making her do the chores.. making her do the schoolwork.. making her be a decent human being.. then you are peeing in the proverbial wind.  If he won't make her do her chores like washing dishes?  you have 3 options.. do them yourself, make him do them.. ignore them and let them pile up while you eat from your personal stash of cutlery.  what you can't do is hound her to do chores.. it bugs her.. it means complaints to mom.. which give you grief.. for what?  no thanks.

I know you see her as the last ditch possibility that someone from his family won't be a complete loser.. and not making her do dishes is not likely to be that big of a deal in that regards.. but you are more invested in her.. than anyone else.. and since you are NOT her parent.. she overly resents it.  and.. she likely resents it even when it is her parents riding her for stuff.. but.. that comes with that territory.

My daughter is about the same age as your SD, and she's a bit of a powersulker lately, too. Part of it is the age, as my daughter doesn't want to do things with me lately, either. She won't even speak to her dad, but that's another issue. I know that parent-wise, i'm all she's got right now, so i don't take it personally and i'm trying to help her work through the issues that are causing her to be so angry and sulky all the time. With a stepkid, though, it's harder. SO's son, almost 19, and i used to be a lot closer. He went to court-ordered therapy with his mom, and now he hangs out with her (a little) more, and has pulled away from me and is downright hostile to my daughter. He still has not spent a single night at BMs and SO still pays CS, but the relationship SS18 has with us is worse. It hurts. I feel a little rejected and it makes me want to say "the hell with you" sometimes, but instead i have opted for polite distance and a "door is always open" attitude. I don't live with my SO, either, though, so distance is possible. All this to say, i get the hurt you feel. It's hard to feel "turned on." Biokids will do it, too, but somehow the lack of security in the relationship makes it so much harder with a skid. 

I would ask your DH to stop showing you those messages because they hurt your feelings and the last thing he should want to be doing is hurting your feelings.

Next time tell her “SD you are free to talk to me about how you are feeling but yelling, screaming and verbally assaulting me are off the table, if you start doing that then the conversation will be tabled for a later time.”  If she continues screaming get up and leave, you don’t have to tolerate that.

She is a kid. She shouldn't be allowed to explode on adults in this manner. She treats you like equal, and how convenient she goes at it when daddy isn't home. If she's not doing dishes, I'd make her dad do them. Id not talk about grades. Dad could deal with chores and grades 

I understand spending money on skids and them not appreciating it. It's annoying. But you should only spend money on skids when you want to. When you don't feel you want to, stop doing it. I spend quite a bit on SGD because she is with us quite a bit and I like to buy stuff like crafts or clothes but I do because I want to and can afford it. I don't have to. So don't feel obligated. 

mortgage though... if you both equal owners of the house it's kind of hard to make him pay more because he takes more space. Maybe it could work with rent or with roommates. I don't think it works with mortgage and marriage. Like when we buy a couch, my husband should pay twice as much because he is a big guy and takes more space on the couch. Lol it would be kind of crazy. it doesn't sound like marriage because it's so transactional. 

but if you feel you particularly overspend when she's around, like food or other household items then I suggest you stop, create a budget how much you want to spend and DH would need to pay for the rest. Or spend nothing and only buy groceries for yourself or only a week she's not there. Let daddy do the rest. She's not an orphan who needs saving. She has a father 

you can do it. You are already less engaged 

I don't care if its hormonal...as Livingoutloud said, she's a kid and not allowed explode on adults. Or anyone for that matter. I strongly suggest you get your DH involved the SECOND she or any of those SKs try this crap again. It's his kid...let him handle her. I'd just tell her, "this is something you need to discuss with your dad," call him and leave the room. And tell your DH to keep her toxic texts to himself. You are doing great on disengaging and she sees it. Once she sees she can't get to you, she'll move on to someone else...and hopefully, that's her dad. He deserves this wrath of his kid, not you.

It's not your kid, DH told you that,  so DH should be paying for her. Them 66% you 33%. 
If she doesn't clean up after herself, make DH do it or hire a cleaning person and DH pays for that cleaning person. 
If toxic troll  doesn't like it, so what, they can go live with toxic troll .   Didn't they try that once. 
I would not buy anything I will not eat. As suger, ice cream, ect. When it runs out it's out. 
 

you know she doesn't like you, so why worry about it.  No reason to be kissing her as* ..  some day she is going to need something.  And it's not your problem. She can call toxic troll 

The TT & FF channeling is strong in this one.\

Really, she thinks tha thaving to clean HER own dishes is mean.

Don't let her use dishes at all. Have her eat off of hte table, counter, or floor. That would be mean.

But oh so much fun!!!

I'm hoping this new fresh morning is reminding you that her little hissy was manipulative. She didn't want to do dishes, in the past when she didn't want to do something required of all household members or she is in trouble, she invented a reason to have a meltdown and instantly you became the bad guy and she walked away whistling having gotten what she wanted: everyone mad at you aand her getting out of doing her own dishes/being held accountable/flunking. 

When you reply to her hissy, the tears come out and she blubbers and snot bubbles her way into being a victim of you. Then she's miraculously all better and Daddy, Mommy and big sister all blame YOU. She uses you as a tool to get her out of trouble, chores and if you need a reminder...$800 phone as a reward for being a shit. 

Don't engage her hissys. It will backfire every single time. Do not let her manipulate the situation w/ her tears and booger bubbles. 

repeat this inside your head: I will not let her manipulate me so that she can play victim. 

I didn't read all the comments. But buy paper plates. If we didn't use paper plates we would never have dishes... 5 of us. Boom dishes solved. 

No idea why you are STILL telling her to clean up etc. DH needs to do this. She's failing at growing up, you see this, FFjr in the making because both their parents have failed them. The ONLY reason you got somewhat of SD16 was because she was young when you met her. FF was already gone. 

You REALLY need to decided what you want out of all this.... it's been over a year (I think) going around and around the circle. 

You are also way to focused on your relationship with her and how she sees you... honestly who cares at this point. 

I haven't spoken a word to SS19. He knows how I feel and I don't give an F. His siblings feel the same though. So it's not me being evil.

Drop your rope with SD16.

Yours at least listens and does what she is told. If i told the steps to do their own dishes, they would scoff and ignore me. Thats why i have paper plates and cups. They use them and dont even bother throwing them in the trash, i am trash pickup!

Your SD doesnt like you because you arent her servant. Take it from me, I would rather be feared and respected than well liked.

Man does she have it rough! Cleaning up her own dishes and after herself? That's so hard! Imagine being entitled enough to complain about that....  You did great staying calm, because I'm not sure I would have. 
I too would have a hard time not telling her to do these things because my DH just doesn't see dirty dishes or care, and I start to get angry when they pile up. I would almost rather have a skid resent me than live in a pigsty. Hopefully someday she will realize you weren't asking you much or being a horrible SM. 
 

I feel you, I'm in the trenches with you dealing with these teen girls...