Ya know Clove SDPS  sees you as a safe bet. You are a warm and caring lady and SD knows that.

However you must remember as much as the tides seem to be turning in your direction, in stepworld things can change at a power sulks moment.

Good that you realize SD's sadness is not because of you, but because of the dysfunctional dynamic in your DH's family.

Its up to power sulk and DH to fix their relationship. Just stay out of it, which I know you are. Cause we all know when shit happens guess who becomes the scapegoat?  

Blessings

Well, of COURSE he's losing her, she said exactly why and it predates her sitting in her room all the time, "her father is always in the garage, smoking, drinking beer and hanging out with barnacle friend".  It's time they actually spoke to each other and more than time HE spent time with her doing things that maybe SHE likes.

Nothing much you can nor should do about any of this, though, beyond telling one to talk to the other. 

She's seeing things realistically, very insightful for a young person.  I'm glad she has someone to talk to.  As much as I know you'd like to fix things, your most valuable role is as listener.

I still give her credit for getting the new place, I doubt if TT could have navigated the bureaucracy.  As irritating as it is to you, a daughter helping her mom like this is commendable.

Hang in there, Clove.  I'm glad she has a sane person to talk to.  Glimpses of the sensitive, caring, thoughtful adult she will be.

Maybe I'm a bad mood  because I'm not feeling well again today but it all sounds manipulative to me.... my suspicions are yes PS is worried about FF trying to move in (because if I remember correctly, they never got along)... Is she trying to make sure she has some sort of landing space incase TT decides extra $ coming in is more important than her bff-daughter living there? I wonder. So is all this "whaaa whaaa I wanna be closer to dad" and "yes-I-do-like-you-Clove" all part of her back-up plan incase things go south at TT's? You know, trying to smooth everything over...

I would be reinforcing my boundaries of no PS moving in with DH and working n making your house look less appealing to PS (maybe cut off the Wi-Fi to her device only periodically - "oh gee we've been having some issues with dead zones in your bedroom") Nope. Bad grades, laziness, messy... it's a recipe for disaster. 

I got stuck at too "shameful" to work in fast food. What exactly does this girl think is going to be her first job? Fast food has provided first jobs to many a teen. There was even a Jeopardy question about the percent of people who started by working at McDonalds.

Call me skeptical, but I see the 'I want to be with my dad' as a way to get out of working weekends. Summer school Monday to Friday, weekends with Dad. No time to work.

If PS and Dad are serious about spending time together, maybe they should sit at the table and eat dinner together. No devices. Family dinner time can be quality family time. Time for Dad to loop himself into his daughter's life.

to even think this is something of value. I'm with the majority in that this is just a manipulation tactic. No one, especially a teen, changes that quick, especially knowing her past behaviors. You are slowly disengaging...not all the way there yet...but you are making moves that she is seeing and it's probably IMPACTING her negatively.

I'm going to strongly suggest you take all of this with a grain of salt, continue with minimal words and direct her to her father for these tear jerker talks. Again, I've been in your shoes. I can show you countless "apology" letters that I took at face value. Letters written like a Hallmark card. And everyone of them wasn't worth the ink used to write them. Also included in that mix were multiple "deep" conversations that, again, weren't worth the air used to speak the words. It is going to take a lot of TIME to see change in people. Sit back and watch. If not, you will quickly be brought back into the circle of madness. For me, that led to some serious health issues, both physical and mental. 

As ESMOD says, disengagement does not have to be mean/cruel. You can offer compassion but send her to her dad for the next "event." 

It's ironic that PS has the same feelings about FF moving back in that a lot of stepparents have about skids moving in.

I'm hearing a lot of "poor me" in PS's vent. My daughter is a similar age and similarly goes on these self-pity jags. I will let her vent, tell her what (if anything) i'm willing and able to do for her, and then try to get her to think about what she can do to better her situation.

As far as what you can do for PS - when it comes to FF and TT, you can't do a thing. You can decide if PS living with you guys full-time is something you would tolerate, but that's about it. Would your DH even take the steps to legally modify the CO and CS? Having the kid full time while paying TT child support would be a big no from me.

As far as PS and your DH's relationship, you *could* talk to your DH about her concerns. But - i don't get from your description of him that he actually wants to do much besides drink in the garage with that guy. Some of these dads just aren't all that interested in spending time with their kids. Maybe PS would be better served by understanding and accepting the limitations of her parents. Not that it's on you to facilitate any of this, but idk. Maybe casually comment that she shouldn't take it personally, that's just what he does....idk. Or maybe stay out of it. Up to you. 

Oh the “woe is me” I used to go through this with Spawn.  She was always the victim, if it wasn’t because she looked like Meth Mouth, then it was because she couldn’t have a better relationship with her das.  Note Spawn never put any effort into anything.  Not her relationship with DH, not her school work, not her friendships, nothing!  She would sit and cry that her life was miserable because of me and DH and Meth Mouth…but she never took into account that she was a backstabber who played both sides, or that she was a habitual liar with a mean girl mentality.  While I understand you feeling empathy towards BS16 don’t get sucked in, it’s a trap and in a week you will be the bad guy yet again.

Please, next time she wants to talk, find a fast excuse and walk away. Or say nothing and walk away.

it is an emotional topic. IMHO, more than anything it is a "Knock it off, quit crying or get over here and I will give you something to cry about."

smh

My SDs sometimes complain that the other gets more of something. They are often jealous of each other 

It's not anything unusual or something you need to do anything about 

The difference is that my SDs complain to their dad or dad and me together. They'd not complain to me about dad in dad's absence because they know we are a team.

When your SD complains about mom and dad, I strongly advice do not engage. Call dad over to be present in the conversation. Don't discuss her mom and dad with her. Yes everyone knows your DH avoids his wife and kids, drinks, spends time doing stupid stuff and isn't parenting his kids. But you shouldn't discuss it with your skids in dad's absence. He needs to be present. And never discuss BM unless dad is present.  It will backfire. 

Yeah I don't think she was crying because she wants you to start organizing outings. I don't know if she necessarily manipulated you, but she might really be missing her dad. He's hugely unavailable and no matter what you do, you can't replace him. If he is interested in your opinion, you might want to tell him that SD will date and marry unavailable men. She is being set up for unhappy relationships and unhealthy marriage because of what she sees. That's just a given. I think she'd benefit from therapy and she'll likely need years of it. 

What everyone else said and I think you over analyze everything with SD. Every word, every action, even her sitting in her room on the phone like normal teens do. Hence my SD right now. 

Her parents suck.. she is starving for attention from BOTH of them and wasn't taught a thing (besides what you tried to) on how to be a decent human being. 

You can't combat failing of two parents as a stepparent. 

Edit: has either of them offered to help her with job applications, offered to take her driving, offered their assistances in anyway besides trying to hold her accountable for things she hasn't been taught to do.. 

Ago you were asking for big help around the house. Particularly her room. It may not be consciously to make you back off and keep the warm and fuzzies alive but something she naturally defaults too. Clove has demands/expectations/timelines? Oh let's bond then Clove isn't so set on all those pesky things. Yes, I'm a cynic. 

Why is she in her room?  she wants her dad to seek her out.. to chase her... she doesn't participate in things because she is in a reject before you are rejected mode with him. (again.. you are a sounding board for her. and where she vents.. but she isn't lacking your attention.. it's her dad and probably her mom to an extent due to ff drama)

She doesn't like the disengagement from you.  She wants you to buy her stuff. Be BFF as long you are paying and doing what she wants.   
She is street smart.  She needs a flop house. When all else fails ,, it's Cloves to the rescue..She complains about BF because she knows you are not happy with him..  when all her friend. Like one , finds someone or something else there cloves,, where she doesn't have to do anything, gets money, gets taken care off

She has to understand that when you burn bridges,, they stay burned.  There are things, words actions that are forgiven once, twice, three times but after a time there no forgiveness.  You can't be a taker all the time.  She and BM are alike "What in it for me". "Let me wash a dish, my dish, and I a, doing a good job".  Today there no excuse for not working, like 40 to 60 hours a week.  If she did that. That $900 a week. Or closed to $50000 a year. Walmart,Uber, door dash.  You can be working in three hours. 

One day they are ignoring you, and the next they are treating you like a confidant. These are truly baffling and confusing times. I am on the same coaster with SD13 and can't wait for the ride to end. I fear we have the same SD, right down to the sulking when we take her to do things.  

She feels that he only relates to her as far as doing chores and her mother's love is more "unconditional". My perspective is that her relationship with her mother is "easier" because they share a room together and her mother treats her more like a bff. Shes not doing the work of a parent. Shes not involved with truancy, bad grades and missed assignments and cleaning and all that yucky stuff. Her perspective is that her mother "always wants her" meaning always wants her around...and her father just wants to follow the visitation schedule without any real desire to spend time with her...

I could have written this word for word. This is exactly what SD thinks, exactly how Crazy is, and exactly what she thinks of DH. If he isn't initiating Uno with her every night then he doesn't want to spend time with her. She is always in her room- and honestly, so was I, or out doing other things. I'm not sure why now that's such a thing, there is such a huge expectation of spending all of this time with your parents. It just wasn't for my friends or I. 

I'm late to the party on this one but I don't feel like unppacking so I'll post instead.

Her main go to is manipulation.

Clove wants her to do something? sulk sulk sulk, get out of it. 

Clove/Dad want her held responsible? here come the tears. 

Everything she does manipulates someone. And it works. Now she's manipulating you with emotional snacks. Pieces of her alleged emotions that will get her her end game. 

When ever she opens up to you, mentally step to the side and listen to what her end game is. She's proven that she knows these crumbs make you hungry for more. She uses it to her advantage. She can and will turn on you and hurt you to get her desired result. She's done it so many times. Don't let her set the stage for it again. 

competitive swimming. I was self employed.  I made a ton of money each summer I was in HS and my first 2yrs of college.  What parents will pay to get rid of a kid for half an hour is noteworthy. I charged $15 for half an hour lesson. I never had a parent take only half an hour. It was always a hour minimum and I usually had 5-10 kids in each class.  I would clear usally around $15K/mo each summer.

My first "real" job was in the restaurant industry though not at Mc Ds.  I prepped, cooked, cleaned, and delivered for a tiny taco/pizza shack. Taco Marina was my first employee job. 

My deliveries included land and water deliveries.

It was an adventure for sure, attempted roberies, getting detained by the police, flat tires in the middle of nowhere late at night, having to unload and re-load refrigerators when I failed to rotate product by date of delivery, pissed off customers, customers who were interested in tipping in non financial ways when I delivered food, washing cookware by hand, etc, etc, etc... The most memorable repeat experience was trying to get people calling in for pizza to tell me how many people they were trying to feed so I could recommend the size of their order. For some odd reason they would ask how many slices were in a small, medium, and large pizza. Explaining that each size pizza had 8 slices would cause their idiot brains to seize.  Then trying to explain that a pizza of any size can be cut into just about any number of slices the customer wanted.  "So, how many people are you planning on feeding?"  

"JUST TELL ME HOW MANY SLICES ARE IN A SMALL, MEDIUM, AND LARGE!!!!!"

Then I bought my own restaurant, me and 7 business partners and eventually we bought, and sold, several restaurants over the next 6 years.

I learned more about business, management, logistics, production, procurement, inventory, personnel management, customer service, conflict resolution, accounting, payroll, training, taxex, etc..... in my year of Taco Marina adventures then 6 years of running restaurants than I did in grad school getting my MBA.

I applaud those who start their careers in the restaurant industry.  Some of the smartest most successful people I personally know started their work lives in restaurants.