You gave your all and in return you were abused.  Your DH is a an abusive dick and as for the skids, well the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. You are better than this. You have a good heart, a loving person. No more wasting it on the wrong people.

Time for Clove to shine where you are supposed to, and it aint with them.

I truly hope you exit sooner than later and claim the beautiful life waiting for you.

Blessings beautiful Clove

Why wait?  unless you need to sock some income away.. I would be done too based on the way you describe things

Get your ducks in a row and leave the ingrate. You have given him your best, you have taken care of his kids so he didn't have to, you have tolerated his buddy ( list not exhaustive). Kick his ungrateful, egotistical arse to the curb.

Don't waste any more of your time on this yokel. You have gone above and beyond.

Don't drag this out.  Start removing sentimental things that he could ruin.  He sounds the type to go on a rampage and wreck your stuff.  You've been around here long enough to know the drill.  You don't NEED him, never have.  Now you've figured out you don't WANT this either. Find your lawyer and hatch the plan pronto.   You will need some time to shake this relationship from your soul and heal.   

I'm on team you aka team Ducks in a row. 

when your happy place isn't happy any more, when your person isn't personable, you have to get ready for a game of Duck Hunt. Yyou gave your all, you gave your best, now it's time to think of getting you back. 

#TeamDucks !

So sorry Clove, 

It sounds like you are making the right decision. DH sounds like he has some problems he needs to work out instead of taking it out on you. Hugs**

Good for you. I never liked your DH (and I think I mentioned it before on one or two of your blogs). 

I'm not sure why you're going to wait and what your issue is with "losing the house." Someone is going to have to move if you split up - and it might as well be him. And with his temper, it sounds as if he's going to have a strong reaction no matter what and no matter when - sharing the house with him is going to be terrible. My 2nd ex was a nightmare to live with while I waited to settle on my house - it was 3 weeks from the time I left the house (stayed in a hotel for a week) and moved into my own house. It will be HIGHLY unpleasant to share a home with him while you sleep in a separate bedroom.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house? If yes, don't wait. Please consult an attorney at your earliest convenience to find out if your state views his personal debt as marital debt. That is a good reason to NOT wait. In my state (Maryland) once we had a signed separation agreement, my first husband and I had to wait out the 1 year separation, but we were "as if single" in all matters until the year had passed. That meant if I had won the lottery or if he had incurred a huge debt, neither was liable to the other.

Summer is approaching and school will be out. Assuming you can buy him out of the house, let SD live with her mom while your soon to be ex finds a place to live. He will have until fall to find a rental where he can have visitation. As an alternative, if you decide to stay in the house with him and take over SD's room, he can keep the master bedroom and let SD sleep there during visitation. He can crash on the sofa or go stay with his BB (Butt Buddy).

But this discussion is MOOT until you meet with an attorney to find out how to quickly and safely exit this marriage. Have your attorney help you come up with an exit strategy.

Until then, look up gray rocking and BIFF. The jabs at you are for a reaction. Don't give him one. Do whatever you can to keep things calm and "normal" or he will ramp up his behaviors at the first sign things are different.

Sending hugs Clove! 
You are a good and kind person who he clearly took advantage of and hates seeing you happy and successful. You deserve to be loved whole heartedly and supported in whatever you choose to do.. not put down and laughed at. 
Goodluck with your exit plan! Good riddance to him and how foul spawn and toxic ex. 

You care too much and he doesn't care enough (even about his own kids.) Some guys are just all about themselves and what makes them happy/comfortable. Not good partner material. 

Oh damn! You live in CA. Then I do believe you are on the hook for his debts in a divorce. Please talk to an attorney ASAP and message StepUltimate. She's in the final stages of her divorce and it's been a nightmare due to his overspending.

CLove, I am sorry. You know my story - my divorce is almost done, and MUCH more expensive than if I hadn't waited 2.5 years after the famed Midlife Crisis Car rage-out. 

I too thought I knew how EXH would behave after I filed, but I was wrong. If he's a jerk now (CHECK!), his behavior & respect levels will plummet to unimagineable new lows. The appreciation & love for you vaporize & they become vengeful... and know all your empath buttons so it's extra painful. 

Go see some attorneys girlfriend. (((HUGS)))

I've always believed that your AH's years of addiction stunted both his maturity and his character. He's simply not where he should be for his age, not financially, not emotionally, not his judgement etc etc. He's just a very basic model, and weak - which would be fine except for this mean boy streak you've shared. That's the opposite of what you need, CLove. You're a deeply sensitive person, and you need a partner who will honor and protect that.

I agree that you need to speak to a few attorneys. You also need to start itemizing assets - those boats, the classic car if you're entitlied to a piece of it. Find out where you stand. Would your parents be able to help you financially? I'm sure they don't want to see you sell the house.

The nice thing is, you have time on your side. Time to take counsel, develop a plan, and create the best possible outcome for yourself. But forget about going back to being friends or roommates. That's magical thinking, and you wouldn't be any happier than you are now.

Your husband is a horrible human being. I've met some questionable men myself but this is insane. Lashing out and making fun of you. Divorcing hum is the smartest and overdue move. He's a bad person.

Why would you stay living together not being married? It makes zero sense. Housemates wuth ex? I'd rather have a different roommate. You are still young. Why on the planet? What if you want to date? And if he's nasty while married, imagine how nasty he'll get just cohabitating.

That's all around a terrible idea. Talk to a lawyer and follow their advice 

I hate this for you, CLove. You have tried so hard, done so much.

I strongly suggest you start looking for an attorney for advice. Don't wait. You can do this secretly but it's imperative you get the RIGHT information so you can dump this man-child and his sick kids. What he does to you falls in the "mental abuse" catagory and I'm pretty sure a good lawyer, even in CA, can give you a "one up" on this asshole. 

Please, for YOU, get the ball rolling now.

You are talking about the HOUSE like you own Downton Abbey and it's your heirloom and you need to sell it and your heirs are upset you are selling their future inheritance.

Who cares? It's just a building. Not even in a good shape. There are other houses and condos and apartments out there.

Living alone in a studio or two bedroom apartment with a roommate or move in with parents is more appealing than sharing a house with ex husband! I've never ever heard of a woman wanting such arrangement with ex. You want your freedom after divorce! It's like he brainwashed you in to making bad choices 

talk to a lawyer and they'll advice you. See what your options are and give it a thought 

you deserve way better

I'm with everyone on this.

- He's terrible to you and that's all you need to know.

- He won't play nice if he's not even doing so now when you go to split.

- You need to come to terms with perhaps selling the house; hey, no memories and you can get your own space.

- Verbal abuse can proceed physical. My ex was emotionally and at time verbally abusive. Near the end he almost hit me a couple time and he DID damage some of my things.

Get yourself better.

Your DH calls you c&$t and bi$&h?  More than once is not okay. Even one time isn't okay. You have a good job and a house than can be sold - you'll be alright on your own. 

Listen, I have probably been in similar situations with my husband and his children or even worse. I think the only thing I have not had is them mocking me openly because they know i am extremely petty and will hit where it hurts. I am the clown of clown aka el diablo comedico when it comes to that lol. The children probably do it behind my back and i have caught them making fun of me while im turned or making fun of my looks/face. I ignore that but if my husband partook and did it openly i would honestly be hurt. 

What sucks is the lashing out and mental/emotional turmoil that you are subjected to when your husband is not getting his way in life. His way is that you dont have a backbone and serve as a support system to his kids and himself until they can discard you

If you truly are planning to leave, you must know that there wont be any "housemate/roommate" situation. Once you inform him that its over formally, he will do anything he can to make you uncomfortable and destroy you mentally so you can leave him the place. That may include bringing other women and sleeping with them next door to your room, bringing his toxic kids around and moving them back in, deliberately stopping his share of the utilities, leaving the house in disarray, bringing his friends over every day

My advice to you is to continue to "play wife" until the mortgage is over. After the mortgage is paid off, you can offer him to sell your portion or buy him out. He may die or leave you for another woman (innocent victim) before then if you are lucky enough and you wont have to worry about the plan

From now on, you have to develop coping mechanisms and strategies that will shield you from his shenanigans and slowly become unbearable/unattractive to him

Start by not cooking/cleaning/limiting your financial contribution. Then act as if you have a mysterious illness that prevents you from having energy for anything (including sex). When he is home, appear disheveled and lost and in need of being cared for due to being "sick"....Outside of work, remain bedridden and act "depressed"... If he lashes out, start rolling yourself on the floor and peeing on yourself.....When one act crazy, you have to act crazier to be left alone

Eventually, he will cheat and leave you and probably give up the house. Men dont stay around when you become sick, mental and incontinent

You cant leave with these types, you have to make them feel as if they are the ones leaving you and you have no prospects in sight

Clove, you're mad right now. Stay mad. Be angry at him. Remind yourself regularly how he has treated and abused you. Kindle that fire. Most importantly, stop caring about anyone other than yourself. Do not try to "play fair". People who try to play fair inevitably lose (the road to hell is paved with good intentions - you don't want your life to be hell just because you were being nice).   

Forget any illusions about being able to remain in the same home as him - it won't happen. He'll make your life miserable beyond what you'd believe possible. He lacks the maturity to be able to think through the advantage of selling later. He's going to go for the immediate satisfaction of destroying things he knows you care about. 

You don't think he'd become violent? C'mon girl, you've been on here for long enough to have heard "I never thought he'd do anything like that" once the divorce has been initiated. It's the most dangerous time of all. Put your local police dept on speed dial.

Take time-stamped photos of the entire house as it is now so that you can prove he wilfully did the damage that he's going to do to hurt you.

Talk to a lawyer, a piit-bull one. Google "best divorce lawyer in MyTown" and talk to as many of them as you can  - just to take them off the table for your STBX. Follow all the advice given. Talk to your banker about getting a "photo" of your accounts so you can prove that your STBX either drained them or tried to rack up more debt. If possible, block all possibility of him opening new cards.

Force the sale of the house and use your proceeds as a downpayment on a ocean front appartment. If not then follow exjuliemccoy's advice and use your car and the boat as bargaining chips to buy him out of the house. 

Above all, please be safe.

I don't think staying any longer than is required for safety (sometimes it's not safe to leave immidiately) is detrimental to Cloves mental health, dignity and overall well being. Sticking around longer when situation is peaceful and non degrading would be ok. But abusuve situation like being called degrading names and humiliated/put down/yelled at is not the kind of situation you want to be an extra day. No house is worth that kind of abuse. Money and houses is not worth it. 

I'm #teamdoitnow. There is always one sane one and one crazy one during divorce. Pretty sure you are the sane one. The housing market will not get better. He cannot be civil to you now; it will not get better. Take care of you. 

One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.

— Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

I've got nothing to add other than life is better without douchbags. I got divorced ten years ago, remarried to a good guy five years and ago and other than the skids life is sooooo much better than it was for 25 with my ex. Also wanted to mention, here if you're getting subsidized housing once the minor child turns 18 it's a whole different ball game, of course getting caught is unlikely but I'm a rule follower and so I wouldn't risk it but eh a lot do and get away with it. 

Keeping the house so SHE can have a room because HE is required to have a room for her.

Stop that, this is about you. Protecting yourself, engaging in your best life, and .... cutting him, the TT, the FF and SS out of your life. Do not voluntarily sacrifice yourself for another year of having to live with STBXDH and his reeking cesspool of a gene pool.

Take advantage of the sellers housing market to sell.  Either sell  and split the proceeds, or force him to buy you out.  Then get on with your life and take care of you.  GO lock up the best divorce attorneys and write him and the rest of them off.

Hugs CLove.