Sorry this is so long
My problems are I can’t get over my marriage ending due to kids. I love my husband so much and can’t seem to move on like everyone else. They put me in the middle and I lost.
Please offer suggestions/comment and even if I was wrong tell me.
We both had teenage kids, him 3 girls and I two boys but oldest lived with bio dad. We moved to fast, moved in after 3 mths and youngest boy was not ready. I thought it would help him. Bio dad move hour and half away which hurt him emotionally and me as well. He kept it inside but would not play sports again. He only saw his dad on every other weekend until he turned 17 when his bio dad moved out of state which crushed him. Boys and I changed so much to their way. Which I was wrong should of compromised to help son.
Step father wanted a boy (he had another step son who was 2 years old from his first marriage but died when he was 18) , he tried so hard to give him what his girls received including love, time and doing things with him. Step dad gave him too much that he could not handle it. He so wanted it to be his father who did that for him. I wished I would have seen it and got him counseling when he was younger. Step father is very family oriented. His parents were still married and wanted that type of family. I love that about him and wanted it as well but my family was not. I came from low income working hard people but we didn’t do everything together. Something I could not change.
From 13- graduation there were a lot of issues of not being grateful, no doing chores that put a strain between the two men but we got through it. I was wrong in enabling both my boys. I admitted that. My oldest left me at 16 to move in with bio father who was not fit to be one, he was very selfish and didn’t work regularly but found a woman who put up with it and showed my son love. My oldest felt like a guest in my home and didn’t want to visit. He was so much like his dad already; I could not get him to respect step dad. He also had adhd which step dad didn’t know how to handle. Both boys would fight and of course they thought I was given special treatment to oldest who I didn’t see much. I tried not to do that but I guess I did.
When the youngest didn’t listen and step dad tried to push me I compared the girls getting away with things. I was wrong, should of done I needed him to do. Youngest kept saying your taking his side and one of his girls wasn’t doing them so why should he. I was in middle. Step dad in one ear and son in another and girls pushing dad.
Step dad can be controlling at times, his way of thinking he was right:ego and son could not prove him wrong. Wouldn’t let him just fall and us catch him. I tried to tell step dad he was different boy, he was being smothered by the step father not to push him so hard. My boy helped him more building things then two of his girls. He just didn’t like to be watch that closely. He let his girls do what they want and if I said something I was comparing.
Two big things;
My son wanted to go to college away. I said no. Step dad didn’t like that said he should get the same breaks as girls. I new my son was not ready for the responsibility. Step father and son made an agreement without me. I had to let him go. Well my son didn’t adhere to agreements (that I didn’t get to hear both of them agree to before leaving). My son was supposed to text more than once ( step father went nuts when son didn’t text next day after dropping him off saying he was ok) he wanted his freedom and room to grow. I was hurt but I knew my boy loved me and was ok. Girl’s text dad all the time. Neither of my boys are good at showing love to me, comes from their father who didn’t receive it. He was supposed to have us up for two weekend and show us a good time. Well son, drank the night before and could not get up so step father said he didn’t adhere to agreements. Then my son spent all the money he made and received. He also at Thanks giving got pissed at step dad pushed and said he would take loans away. Son said your not my dad, and other things disrespectful. I was not there to hear how he said it. I was wrong not to march down and crap him and make him apologies and work it out instead step father took loan away. Made him come back after Christmas which I thought was wrong cause all he needed is to get a job and be made to show us his grades and not take the dream away.
Then son was going into the Navy to get away, I tried to be supportive cause I knew he didn’t want to go but at the last day they didn’t take him anyway cause of his feet. Crushed him, he already sold car and everything. So step dad and him went out looking for cars, they both made agreements again.(again boy didn’t show responsibility of having a payment and no future) This time son was supposed to go to school at home. Well again he didn’t do what he said he was going to do. I didn’t get to hear it again. Son met a girl who went to Kent from work, he took a ride their and fell in love. So I had to kick son out for not adhering to agreements. Again I was wrong, enabling son. He didn’t want to live at home with this man, I loved this man and girls, I didn’t push son to stay. Ex said I lost his trust to be behind him. When he never gave me a thought or compermised with me first. My son is different.
He is a good kid, not into drugs, drinks more than I liked but is doing well there, just not smothered.
Step father was hurt that he could not return his love. Wasn’t grateful for what he was given (which I agree but he is just like his father) Step father said he wasn’t making me choose but they did put me in the middle and I don’t think screaming and trying to make him stay will solve anything.
I didn’t push girls to love me, I let them come to me. I didn’t push my ways on them, which I should of done a little for me. I didn’t change things they already knew even though we had to. He is a good man just very tight with girls. Not too many friends. Son didn’t have too many in high schools but now he holds a position in a frat. He works, school, frat and girlfriend.
He is not going to live around home. He doesn’t need to hear from me. My brother did the same. Just different. So I could not get my ex to see, he was hurt and I got the boot for not making him.
Both boys hate him, says he didn’t deserve me, was controlling and very ego driven. He let me go cause of boys. Now I am alone. Youngest come home maybe three time a year (if I would of let him go). Oldest boy close to me but he is just like his dad and step dad, very opinionated and hard.I cant make all of them see. Give in and respect each other boys don’t need family but I do. Everyone tells me he wasn’t for me but we don’t pick who we love, just happens.