Hard to love even you own kids at times
Years ago, my girlfriend was going to have brain surgery to remove a tumor. One of the risks was losing her memory . One of her biggest fears was forgetting her children and not being able to love them again. They were preteen and teens and not at a pleasant age. She actually confided in me she didnt think she could love them if they didnt come out of her body. Lol
I guess thats how we feel about the skids. We would like to love them but it cant be forced. I think the younger you get them the better the bond but BMs still get in the way.
PS Surgery went fine. She still loves the kids but they are still a pain in the butt!
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My sisters both have adopted
My sisters both have adopted kids and love them like they are their bios. It's hard to love steps because you don't really have that exclusive bond and it's an unnatural situation - you can't parent them as you want, and their loyalty is always to someone else.
Adopting kids is raising a
Adopting kids is raising a child as your own. I lobe my adoted family as all of my other nieces & nephews.
These were her bio teenagers and they were so obnoxious, as teens are. She just thought if someone said these are your kids she'd think hell no being thrown into motherhood with angry teenagers. She was divorced so her kids had COD tendencies.
It's kinda like stephood, being thrown in to a situation where you know you should love these kids or want to li e them but just dont.
My DH claims to love my kids like his own but they never lived with us and only cause minor problems. Theyre older and dont need as much so he doesnt get how easy it is to step parent kids that arent around much and have no animosity toward DH.
The longer I’m in stepworld
The longer I’m in stepworld the more , I don’t know what the word is.. jaded? I think the more jaded I get.
I love my SS’s, they’re great kids, and I’m very lucky DH (usually) isn’t a Disney Dad. But there’s a wall there that doesn’t exist when they’re your own kids, and it’s hard at times to see past it or pretend it isn’t there.
I wish I loved the skids. I
I wish I loved the skids. I have a concern for their well being but not love. While DH & MIL think these kids are sooooo cute, I think really? There is not much endearing about these kids. Not funny or cute but they behave as if they are funny and cute so it comes off as obnoxious. SS10 behaves as if he's funny & cute at school which when the teacher reports his behavior to us she tones down the damn you kid is obnoxious and blurts shit out all day. I was a teacher for 20 years. I know what her comments mean.... Wish your kid was not in my class.
Lol what are the comments? I
Lol what are the comments? I get curious sometimes what the teacher-ese means in regards to both my bio and skid since it seems everything has to have a positive spin on it and I'd rather just hear the truth.
Also, I hear where you're coming from on the cute thing. I have never found SD to be cute or funny at all and I just sit there wondering what DH sees sometimes when hes beaming at her.
Teachers put a positive spin
Teachers put a positive spin on everything! Always start a conference with something positive and then get in to their "struggles". This was yss10 in 4th grade...Xyz struggles with speaking at inappropriate times....translate the kid blurts out shit while Im trying to teach. He is so funny but sometimes his comments are inappropriate or at inappropriate times...translate he is so fukin obnoxious!
SD 11 has ADHD so we get a little more honest at IEP meetings but still sugarcoated cuz he is very underdiagnosed. He definitely has sensory processing issues and autistic tendencies but doctors, teachers & counselors were unable to get through to DH & BM because they were too defensive. BM actually told a dr to fuck off and switched drs when he was little. Huge disservice to this child who has zero social skills.
DH always leaves conferences glowing with pride since he cant translate teacher talk lol. I didnt go this year because I cant handle walking out with him so proud of his fucked up kids.
Any ideas what "creative" is
I cant translate teacher talk per se but I can read people well enough to know what they're doing. Any ideas what "creative" is a positive spin on lol? We get that all the time with SD and it doesnt ever really make sense with the context of what they are saying and also because she copies what everyone else does and is definitely not creative. Even DH is always like uhhh okay to that one. Usually hes the "glowing with pride" type also though. He legitimately thinks she is the best reader in her class...she scored like 80th percentile on the tests which is good yes but that's pretty obviously not the best in her class. The grossest was BM posting on Facebook after one conference though that the teacher said she had the perfect child.
Creative could be just a way
Creative could be just a way to find something positive to say or not that bright but creative. Lol. Hard to say. If I didnt know SS I might think the teacher really thinks he's funny but I know the obnoxious and inappropriate behavior he speaks of
Scribbling all over her paper
Scribbling all over her paper instead of doing work is apparently creative lol.
Yes. Better than saying what
Yes. Better than saying what she really thinks of the child! How old is she?
I often let the work speak for itself in a portfolio. This is what we did and this is an example of your childs work that day. I take pictures of the work or the child doing it with an explanation in a portfolio. Sometimes i will even say xyz chose not to do this on this day and why.
Shes in 2nd grade. So still
Shes in 2nd grade. So still pretty young but she gets more negative reports on her behavior than my son with autism and ADHD that is the same age so I kind of think theres something going on there. If he needs an IEP and her behavior and grades are worse maybe she does also. The teacher did say she was the only one in her class that does the scribbling all the time but DH said that was said as evidence of her creativity.
Most certainly evidence of
Most certainly evidence of creativity. Creatively getting out of doing work. There is no IEP for lazy, entitled aholes. Sorry SD. You'll have to do as asked or consequences. As for your son, he is getting services and help and thriving, yes? What a concept.
I hope your son continues to thrive. I've seen some amazing transformations!
Thank you! He still has his
Thank you! He still has his days but compared to where he started it's kind of amazing. Part of the issue was that he had a rare issue that caused hearing problems from the ages of 1 to 4 that we didnt catch as soon as I wish we would have so he was way behind in speech. He couldn't even answer what he had for lunch until halfway through kindergarten and now hes actually above average in vocabulary but still lagging with pragmatics. So yes it really is amazing what some of the services and help can so.
As far as SD honestly that is my gut reaction is that shes just being a brat also. Entitled is normally the word that comes to mind what I watch how she acts, but still try to give the benefit of the doubt at times or i feel like a hypocrite since my own son also acts up at times.
As a teacher i had much more
As a teacher i had much more patience for those with a disorder or disability than the entitled brats with crazy parents.
lol.
lol.
I've never read anything more accurate in my life. I hate, hate, hate that goopy "isn't my kid so special and adorable" look DH used to get sometimes when the skids were over. Because honestly...they just aren't that great. They're totally fine, and I do have a kind of love for them. But as an objective outsider...I know they're all completely average or even slightly below in most aspects...especially socially and academically.
Now...my niece and nephews...I get goopy over sometimes. But I've literally had people stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful/cute/charming/adorable/well-behaved they are...regularly. (And this isn't entirely parenting. My one sister is a great parent and disciplines well...the other not so much, but her kids are even more well-behaved...so who knows.)
I don't think this is just because people think my niece and nephews are my kids when I'm out with them and are trying to give me a compliment...because I took the skids out at similar ages when DH and I first started dating and never once got an "Oh they're just so darling" kind of comment. Seriously...not one time. It happens nearly every time I'm out with my niece and nephews though.
Anyhow. I've also had friends comment about how strangely sub-par my skids are...totally out of the blue and unsolicited by me. It's strange because my DH is good-looking and just...has a great, very likeable energy. Much better than mine. I've honestly never met someone before him who was so good with people and who made friends so easily. So it's weird that all his kids are kind of awkward, judgemental, sullen...and don't make friends very easily.
Every once in a while he will comment that they feel "more like ex's kids" which I think means that he does see it. But, yeah. He still gets all lovesick and googly-eyed over them and it's gross to watch.
I told DH to stop treating
I told DH to stop treating his kids like they are a little more special than everyone else. They always get a little extra if he has his way. They will grow up thinking they are special and while everyone is special in their own way, no one is more special than anyone else. I guarantee no one else will find these skids special. Average students, not too good at sports, average looks, all a little chunky for their age, no real talent besides video games for the boys and wearing too much make up for the girls
Same here. Tbh shes a little
Same here. Tbh shes a little below average imo and it wont do her any favors to make her think shes special. I used to have a good friend who was a major daddy's girl and was treated similar to SD and she has had a rough time in life because she expects to be treated special by everyone especially men and she isn't very attractive or very bright so it doesnt work. Ended up having to work for her dads company because she couldn't keep a job and cant keep a relationship because she only wants the model type men who aren't interested and expects all men to worship her.
Thats too bad. I see parents
Thats too bad. I see parents doing such a disservice to their children all the time. Either they are so super special the rules dont apply to them or if they should qualify for special services they wont accept the services because there is nothing wrong with their child!
I often wonder if I'd be able
I often wonder if I'd be able to love adopted kids, either. Maybe I'm awful, but I've been the one primarily raising my stepdaughter as we've had custody since she was 2 and her BM is barely involved. My husband gives me full authority and doesn't undermine me. She is well behaved. But I still don't love her the way I love my biological son. I'm probably not one of those wonderful people who could love adopted and bio kids the same, which sucks to say.
There's something about carrying that baby for 9 months, giving birth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and all of the incredibly bonding moments of motherhood with biological children. I just don't see how I could ever love anyone the way I love that little boy. I really don't.
If you couldn't have your own
If you couldn't have your own kids and sought out a child to adopt, that would be different than your situation. No one sets out to find a man who needs a mother for his child - but people do set out to adopt children and make them their own.
I definitely love my kids
I definitely love my kids more than anything. My youngest is my best buddy and my oldest is a super star! Yet I do aee their faults
I think all of us deserve to
I think all of us deserve to be loved and adored by our parents. I think if there's anyone in the world who should think we're a little bit special it should be our parents.
It breaks my heart when I see parents diss their own kids. I guess it comes from deep self-hatred. I know I'll never love my step kids the way their parents do. And that's ok. I know I'll never love my stepkids the way I love my son. That's ok, too. I can stil love them and feel parental toward them.
You're so right. I love my
You're so right. I love my bios and all their bad habits. They are the love of my life. My DH probably is wondering what I see in them
Idk, to me unconditional love
Idk, to me unconditional love means seeing the flaws and loving them despite that. Idk what you mean by diss exactly but I dont think what is described in the original post has anything to do with self hatred.