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Legal Financial Obligation to Stepkids... I don't want this...

ChildfreeSM's picture

Submitted by ChildfreeSM on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 2:09am

Maybe it's naive but I only recently found out that where I live if my partner and I get married then I can be considered financially liable for his children until they're 21! 

He has two sons with his ex-wife (19, 12) and a daughter (4) with his rebound after getting divorced (total opposite of ex-wife). SDs BM was with my partner for a few years (but not very serious) and they broke up when she changed her mind and decided she wanted kids... a few months after she moved out and moved back to her home country (France) she told him she was pregnant. We got together in the meantime (known each other for years) but she (perhaps understandably) did everything she could to get back together with him. When it was clear he didn't want to be in a relationship with her again she just tried putting him in impossible situations like 'you won't see your child unless you find a place for me to live and move back to Holland'... she ended up moving in with him (because otherwise he was worried he'd not have any contact with the child).

After she moved in (2 months before birth) she started telling people they were back together, ambushed him with a self-thrown baby shower, invited her parents to his place for the holidays, invited friends over for double dates (with all of these things he would be clear 'we are not together, this is not okay' and leave the apartment)... This woman is a nightmare. In the end she refused to find her own place or move out of the apartment so HE moved out (with his sons who he has 50-50 custody of with ex-wife). 

I have a long list of 'this woman is a jealous, selfish, nightmare' but it's only in the last year or so I found out laws in this country state step-parents are considered as having equal financial obligations to the birth parents so if my partner and I do get married either BM could ask that child support be reviewed and that my income is taken into account. I get out well with ex-wife but I don't trust SD's BM. 

I don't have kids of my own or want kids of my own. I get on well with all three kids (although SS19 drives me crazy with his selfishness) but I have a separate household and life from them for a reason. I don't want to be legally required to pay towards them. 

I've finally reached out to a lawyer for advice but I'm upset that that's the situation here...

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 2:41am

If you are young is it worth going down this path when you could find men w/o kids?

ChildfreeSM's picture

Submitted by ChildfreeSM on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 4:28am

We own a house together, we've been together for 5 years, I'm not 'very young' and I'm otherwise happy... so yeah, I don't fancy ending things because of his ex's.

I also ended my marriage of 10 years because my ex changed his mind and said he wanted kids after all so don't want to end up in that situation again.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 9:37am

But...but...think about it. You are in a worse situation. Your own kids would be better than legal obligations to stepkids from 2 BMs. If you stay with this guy, don't get married. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 3:26pm

THREE skids from 2 baby mommas? Oh WOW.

Yah. There is absolutely no reason to get married to this guy, even if golden wee wee he has.

This is just the tip. Then, down the road when all the different skids have "aged out" of visitation and child support, there are inheritance issues you get to deal with...egads.

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Tue, 04/25/2023 - 2:53pm

Right?  I need to make an update, but SD and baby daddy broke up, he is back in another state with his parents.  SD is living with BM and the baby -1 now.  She recently started dating a new guy, she tells me he is 29 -that's 7 yrs older then her- and has 3 kids, 2 baby mommas. I told her she was nuts and should run like the wind.....nothing is worth that kind of hell lol-  she's not listening, as usual. 

Hopefully she is on BC to avoid being baby momma 3.  I'm appalled at it all lol

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 5:41am

Nope. That is too much drama for me. 

In the US, step parents are under no financial obligation- even though we give freely and openly, it is not factored into courts. We are not legally tied to Skids at all. The fact that this woman is that controlling AND she would be able to use  my finances is just a hell to the no answer from me. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 6:31am

But...if you don't want kids, why would you marry into a situation that legally gives you kids? And 2 BMs? It's like the worst of both worlds. 

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 7:58am

This is way to much to ask of someone that doesn't have (or want) kids of their own.

I guess if you really want to stay in a relationship, then do not marry (at least until the last one is 21). If marriage is important to you, then this is not the relationship for you.

And, while you maybe on "good terms" with the first BM now... what if BM's financial situation changes? Or she becomes jealous? She also could come after your income. 

Pass on marriage for sure!

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 10:19am

So don't get married. Just live together. You can even keep your own account without him on it. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 04/20/2023 - 10:43am

Yeas. Marriage is just a legal contract.  This one is not beneficial to you so don't sign on for it.  Are you in Canada?  I've heard about this responsiblity for steps before.  Insane.  

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/21/2023 - 8:26am

absolutely... what possible benefit do you have to get married?  I would wait until the kids are out of the age range... if you don't want more kids.. It's not like you could not put other paperwork in place to give you rights to inherit.. have power of atty etc.. unless they will consider a live in partner in thos calculations also.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sat, 04/22/2023 - 12:13am

Agree with all the advice above about not getting married.

I would also be a little wary of your SO's ability to set boundaries. The fact that he let an unstable woman move in with him and then moved out (I hope he was renting and doesn't own the place) to get away from her, but only after some pretty over the top behavior, indicates that he's willing to put up with craziness in order to see his child. This woman will not change...if your partner doesn't set and hold firm boundaries with her, you will be in for a rough road.

Finally, if you know you really don't want children, do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who has children? Seventeen years is a long time to be living a life centered in part, on children when you know you don't want them.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 04/22/2023 - 10:48pm

 assume any legal support responsibility for a mates failed family progeny.

Particularly if that progeny had demonstrated a lack of character.

I met my bride when our son, my former SS-30, was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.  His mom and I raised hm together.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

I would not marry this guy if I were you.  Not for 17 more years. But... in y our situation, I would not wait around.

Move on, find a great partner without baggage.

Take care of  you.

Daddy's wife's picture

Submitted by Daddy's wife on Mon, 04/24/2023 - 1:07pm

You are only financial liable if the child lives with his dad most of the time. At least that is what I saw on the Rijksoverheid website

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Tue, 04/25/2023 - 2:55pm

I'd split out of that relationship-or at minimum would not remarry.  You left your husband of 10 years over his want for kids, but go on to date a guy with 3 kids/2 baby mommas-  Maybe consider re-investing in someone else.