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Step-life Update & Woes of Pregnancy

CastleJJ's picture

Since SS left in early July, things have been calm in terms of steplife. I dont attend pick-ups/drop-offs because I don't care to interact with BM and prefer to be a mystery to her. I have had no contact with BM in over 2 years. But, BM picks SS up from our apartment clubhouse, which I can see clear as day from our living room window, so I always watch to see the exchange unfold. While saying goodbye, SS ran up to DH and gave him the biggest bear hug for a solid 2 minutes as BM watched awkwardly. I'm talking, jumped up, front piggy back style, super tight squeeze hug. After DH started walking back to our apartment, BM tried to hug SS and he dodged, only giving her a brief side hug, then running away. BM appeared pissed and stomped to the car, leaving SS and his bag in the yard for GF to handle. Clearly not the actions of a kid being so terribly abused by DH. We haven't heard a peep from BM - no more allegations, nothing. 

DH has facetimed SS several times since he left and SS has been telling DH how he can't wait for school to start so football practices are only 3 days per week instead of 4. You can tell he is over it. He looks worn out. Yet, according to BM, SS lives and breathes football per his choice... yeah right. This week, SS was facetiming DH before football practice and he was eating a snack, a single jumbo goldfish biscuit that tastes like a graham cracker. SS told DH that BM/GF only gave him a corn dog before practice and he was still hungry. Well GF comes running up to SS, smacking the goldfish cookie out of his hand. GF starts yelling at SS, telling him that he knows the difference between a snack and dessert and that his choice in snack was unacceptable. SS fought back that BM/GF stock his snack drawer in the pantry, so if they don't want him having it, they shouldn't put it in there, since anything in the snack drawer is fair game (parent approved) for SS to have. BM just stood there, watching GF handle the parenting. SS looked irritated and worn out by BM and GF. DH and I were kind of shocked, especially to witness this all unfold on Facetime. 

In other news, I have had constant morning sickness for the past 4-5 weeks. It limits my ability to do just about anything. I practically vomit just from standing up. I thankfully don't have HG, but this is still rough. I have tried everything from Unisom and vitamin B6, to ginger chews, to pregnancy suckers and popsicles. I can tell that DH is feeling the stress because he likes to keep a clean house and since I am limited in my capacity, he feels like it is his job to fix everything. Mind you,, we keep a pretty tidy house in general, so by cleaning, he means literally wiping down surfaces, mopping, vacuuming, and cleaning bathrooms. We had a long conversation last night that everything does not have to be perfect and that he needs to take time for self-care. DH said he is stressed about things being ready for the baby, which isn't coming for another 6 months.

I think DH feels unprepared because BM kept DH out of her pregnancy 100%, only notifying DH that she was pregnant and notifying him the day after SS' birth. DH has no idea how pregnancy, birth, and raising a newborn full-time go. DH has been nothing but doting and wonderful, but I can see he is burning out. I bought him the father's version of "What to Expect When Your Expecting", but he is still freaking out. It's like he can't research or do enough to make him feel secure in this. He has a self-proclaimed to-do list a mile long and not a single item is urgent (deep clean the house, laundry, doing minor repairs to the car, reorganizing all closets/storage spaces, cleaning out the garage), but he keeps putting pressure on himself. Nothing I can say or do makes him feel better. I think his stress has caused him to become a little distant and I just want him to relax and be present in this experience with me. 


Aniki's picture

CastleJJ, what about getting a cleaning service to come in and help out? Sorry about your morning sickness. I sipped herbal mint tea (no real tea in there) to quell my nausea.

CastleJJ's picture

I thought about this. Our apartment is pretty small and pretty easy to manage. My mom actually volunteered to come help clean, so I'm taking her up on that. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

SS is 9ish, right? That's about the time that OSS started to get a whiff of ET's BS and "fought back". Once he was a teenager, and now that he's a young adult, he is politely disengaged from her and her shenanigans.

YSS is a bit more brutal. Your SS sounds more like YSS. Hopefully he continues to see the BS and doesn't fall under the BM/GF spell. And maybe BM will hand him over to DH before SS gets too out of control.

Also, I'm sorry you're feeling so icky. I have IBS, and morning sickness and bowel changes worry me greatly if I ever get pregnant. Hopefully things settle as you get into the 2nd trimester!

As for your DH, I agree with Aniki. Perhaps hiring a cleaning service would do some good to take a few things off his list. 

CastleJJ's picture

Yes SS is 9. It always seemed like he was falling under BM and GF's spell and then this summer, bam, it's like everything shifted. He still buys into a lot of their stuff and you can tell the PAS is still somewhat effective, but it seems like he is becoming more aware of BM's attitude toward us and BM's parenting of him. He is realizing that we aren't bad to be with like BM makes us seem. I think he is also realizing that BM doesn't really parent and ignores him, especially because we do family activities and spend time together like dinners and movie nights. He has made comments about wanting to be here more or why does he only visit for 6 weeks.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Hopefully your SS is a smart kid and continues to see the lies. That was what did ET in, I think. She lied, and the lies were obvious. It helped, too, that DH owned up to his mistakes. It's hard to paint the picture of "deadbeat dad" when he shows up, ya know?

CastleJJ's picture

Same here. DH has been as involved as BM has let him be since day one. We have had 3 court battles so we have definitely tried. Hard to paint the picture of a deadbeat who has been there since day one. Even the judge said that. 

Harry's picture

Isn't a happy babysitter!   This relationship maybe on the rocks 

Delilah's picture

morning sickness is the pits. Have you experimented with eating different things (apart from the usual go to morning sickness remedies)? I had awful sickness during my pregnancy and the only thing which helped was protein, specifically lean meats...steak kept the sickness at bay for a time. Might be worth forcing down to see?!

CastleJJ's picture

I have tried a variety of foods. I try not to stick to one or a few types. Even though I don't feel great, I'm still trying to eat balanced including proteins, starches, veggies/fruits, and fats. I'm finding that meats are making it worse and starches/fatty foods are improving it. 

shamds's picture

At pregnancy appts or be kept informed of the pregnancy? My husbands exwife did this with all 4 pregnancies she had (first was a miscarriage but suspected abortion she passed off as a miscarriage whilst hubby was at work just to piss him off)

seems to be a trend here of keeping the man out of the loop, after all he's only good as a walking atm

CastleJJ's picture

Oh yeah. Our BM got pregnant at 19 because she was suicidal and needed "unconditional love" that can only come from a child. DH was also 19. They had dated on and off for two years. She got off birth control without telling DH. Then texted him to tell him she was pregnant and that their relationship was over. When he tried to make contact, she ghosted him, blocked all communication and essentially disappeared. Emails went undeliverable, texts unopened, etc. He even sent certified letters to her parent's house and they would always come back return to sender. Finally after months, BM texted him and offered for him to attend 1 ultrasound. She gave him the date, time, and location. DH showed up and BM wasn't even a patient at that office. She literally sent him on a wild goose chase then ghosted him again. She texted him the day after SS' birth. DH went to hospital to see SS, BM told him he could stay for 1 hour, and then BM cut all communication again for 4 months. DH didnt see SS for more than an hour or two (supervised by BM) for the first two years of SS' life. DH spent SS' first two years in and out of court fighting for visitation and joint custody and BM spent SS' first two years doing everything possible to keep DH away. 

BM still believes she is a million times better than DH and only sees DH as a target for her abuse and a walking piggy bank. She does not believe that DH is worthy of visitation or a relationship with his son and she has said so in court before a judge.  

grannyd's picture

BM’s partner would have been better advised to have smacked the corndog out of SS’s hand, rather than a Goldfish cracker (despite the cracker’s high amount of sodium).

~ Corn dogs contain processed meat, which has been linked to cancer and other health problems, and are deep-fried in processed vegetable oil. ~

Neither ‘food’ is suitable for a youngster about to be involved in a lot of physical activity. Further, if SS were my child, I’d take great exception to anything being slapped out of his hand, not to mention his being unjustly ‘yelled at’. For women who are quick to allege abuse, the scent of hypocrisy from that pair is potent indeed.

Castle, Hon, you have my deepest sympathies for your morning sickness! When I was pregnant with my last child, my then husband decided to cook rabbit for dinner. The smell of cooking rabbit permeated the house until I vomited so violently that my chest muscles hurt for days and my eyes were bright red from subconjunctival hemorrhage. Poor you! I’m so glad that my reproductive days are over. 

Despite his somewhat obsessive behaviour, your husband sounds like an absolute peach. I’d have loved to have experienced that kind of concern from my ex. 



CastleJJ's picture

We are well aware that SS eats like crap at BM's despite his physical activity and need for good nutrition. We feed SS a very balanced diet in our house. Each meal always has either a fruit or vegetable, starch, and protein. Thats how DH and I were raised and that is how we function in our household. BM always used to email DH, berating DH for taking SS out for ice cream or for giving SS a cookie despite our otherwise healthy habits, yet SS has told us that he eats corn dogs, Lean Cuisines, and drinks Mountain Dew regularly at BM's house. But BM is one of those people who believes in "Do as I say, not as I do." 

Its ironic that you should mention the hypocrisy. BM grounded SS for an entire week earlier this year for accidentally kicking GF. The reason he accidentally kicked her was because GF was scarily chasing him up the stairs in the dark. As a 9 year old kid, I would have absolutely freaked out and accidentally kicked someone if a grown 30 year old woman chased me up a flight of stairs in the dark while making strange noises. Yet again, SS was unjustly grounded for something so stupid and not his fault. And even funnier, we are the abusive household. 

My DH is a peach and I am so thankful to have him. He has always been very supportive and has always tried to do right by our family. I know our baby will be very lucky to have him as its father. We just got to get DH through the pregnancy and new baby jitters.