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SS11 Went Home

CastleJJ's picture

BM and GF picked SS11 up yesterday afternoon. We had a really nice Easter morning with him. He helped us hide DD1's Easter eggs on Saturday night and then DH and I hid SS' eggs after he went to bed. Both kids loved their Easter baskets. We made a huge breakfast and then SS wanted to watch a movie. I got some really great pictures of the kids in their Easter outfits. DD had a cute little dress with bunnies on it and SS wore jeans and a nicer t-shirt. It wasn't my ideal outfit choice for SS11 but it was better than the grungy athletic wear he lives in. 

When BM and GF picked SS up, pleasantries were exchanged, more so by GF than by BM. Overall, they were friendly. We gave SS hugs (he gave big hugs back). When they all left the front door, DD1 crawled over to the front door, waving out the side window. She started to cry so DH took her out to the porch to wave goodbye. SS rolled his window down and waved back. 

We will see him in about 6 weeks and we will be taking him to Florida. We emailed BM the dates and flight details this week. She emailed back asking for the address of where we will be staying "in case of emergency". DH provided it. It is frustrating because BM never provides details of their vacations except for the general state they are going to and the dates, yet she expects dates, flight numbers, hotel addresses, etc. from us. Last summer, BM took SS to a desert state and they went hiking without water. SS told us they almost had to call for rescue due to extreme heat and dehydration. We had no idea where they were except for the state. If we ever call BM out on asking for too much information, which we have before, she just reminds DH that she has sole custody so technically, we are no different than any other relative traveling with him and she is entitled to that information. She also reminds us that she can prevent travel if she so chooses (which I'm not sure if she can). This is the stuff that I know is petty, but it irritates me because it feels controlling and intrusive. DH just provides the information she requests to prevent the abusive responses and fight, but it constantly feels like we are caving. DH reminds me that fighting her changes nothing, which is true. I am just sick of the double standards despite the fact that they are both SS' parents. 


JRI's picture

Sounds like you had a good visit with SS.  Your BM is a pain but that wont change however, the exchange was civil and that's all you can hope for.  View the situation realistically, enjoy the time with SS and hope for the best.

MissK03's picture

Sounds like an overall good visit. 

I understand the frustration with having to tell her everything.. 

It's not the same but .. For me.. it annoys me that BM has a constant insight to our lives because of the skids living with us. Not that I care what she does but it just frustrating that she GETS to know so much about us and we don't even know if she's in the state, where she works, etc. SDstb16 is all that's really left (as a minor) and BM doesn't really try to contact SO ... just says her BS to skids but... it still annoys me.

SO would always text her when we were on vacation etc.. skids would bring BM up on vacation because she would be texting etc.. yet she can go do whatever she wants with no interruption... even her wedding that she didn't tell them about... 

CastleJJ's picture

I can see how that would be frustrating since you are the primary home.

While we aren't the primary home, BM still knows a lot. SS tells BM everything he sees and hears. It's like a little spy. But if we ask about BM or GF, he goes mute. We know almost nothing about them. We don't tell him anything when he's not with us, but when he is, he picks up a lot to report back. Our BM used to contact DH directly about her concerns and issues with our household, but now she just goes to SS with that information. She no longer communicates with DH unless absolutely necessary. 

BM had to attend our wedding to "supervise" SS due to false allegations of sexual misconduct toward my BIL. She told us that either BIL couldn't attend or SS couldn't attend. The courts told us to either let BM attend or cut BIL or SS out of the wedding. While she didn't do or say anything at the wedding, it was still awkward having her and GF there. BM always told DH that since she had to attend our wedding, we would be invited to hers (not that we would go). Well, BM and GF are getting married this September and it has been crickets, not that we would want to attend anyway. Again, our life is fair game, but hers is pure secrecy. 

dragonfly878's picture

Ask for your invite- then show up wearing as close to white as humanly possible. That will give them something to talk about lol

MissK03's picture

I'm so sorry she had to attend your wedding. Hopefully you made the best of your day. 

CastleJJ's picture

We did. It was still a beautiful day. And her attendance helped us in court later on when she tried making future allegations during court. 

Cover1W's picture

I'm astounded she had a DATE at your wedding. I mean, if was just supervisory against an allegation of BIL then SHE ALONE would have been suffient to attend. That she brought GF proves it wasn't just about supervising. The GALL of it!

CastleJJ's picture

BM claimed she didn't feel "safe" to attend alone since DH and his family are so "high conflict." She said she would have felt intimidated. Right, like the bully and narc that she is can be intimidated. They even had the gall to use our photographer to get a few "family" photos of the three of them, which I only found out about once I received our online photo gallery. 

You better believe we made BM and GF pay for their food and drinks (and a little extra) up front. And they paid it. I wasn't forking out the funds for their insanity. 

dragonfly878's picture

What would happen if- when SS referred to GF and BM as his 'moms' if DH were to clarify- and say 'your mom and your step-mom?' No one can take away his title of 'dad'. At the end of the day he has two parents- no matter how much BM wants to push- that's a fact she can't change... just to reinforce that your DH is infact his dad- custody or not- that doesn't change anything.

CastleJJ's picture

DH usually does correct SS but when he does, SS gets aggressive. He corrects DH and says "I have two Moms." He still calls DH "Dad" but it's clear that DH holds no parenting role in SS' eyes.

SS told us when he was 5, 6 months after BM and GF started dating, that BM told him that BM and GF were his actual parents and DH was a donor who agreed to help them have a baby. DH was shocked. DH corrected him and told him that it was incorrect and impossible, since BM and GF didn't even meet until SS was 5. DH explained that BM and DH dated in high school and that's how SS was born, not as a contractual agreement. We have tried reinforcing DH's role, but it's no use, the kid is far too brainwashed and our limited visitation doesn't help. 

grannyd's picture

Man, oh man! I swear to you, Castle, that I would pay fifty bucks (Canadian) to backhand that BM bitch across her nasty face. It would be money well spent. And to further my satisfaction, I'd mail you a pix of her response as she reels back with her arrogant face in flabbergast mode.

I'm a tad salty today but that woman messes with my blood pressure.