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Always In Control

CastleJJ's picture

Some of you may recall from my last few posts that BM took SS10 to the ENT due to chronic croup; again something we hadn't heard about until it was a critical issue requiring a specialist, and now is supposedly a major issue, just like the "sensory processing disorder" and the pin-drop sized mark. BM informed DH a week ago that according to the ENT, SS has some esophageal issue and they need to do a throat biopsy and scope. Whatever. 

So SS is coming this Saturday for his first two week stint of summer visitation. He will then return to BM for two weeks before coming back to us for a second two week stint. SS is supposed to have this scope at some point in July, after our second stint. Tonight, BM emails DH, letting him know that SS cannot get sick prior to this scope or the ENT will force them to reschedule. She said "I'm not suggesting that SS needs to quarantine during your visitation, since I'm sure you will want to visit family, but you need to be more cautious than normal." This is rich coming from unvaccinated BM who has taken no precautions during this pandemic, compared to us who are fully vaccinated and boostered. DH responds that we are not changing our plans, but will keep it in mind. Then BM sends a second email that after pick-up from our second visitation, they are taking SS on vacation in our state for 5 days with family and friends... So SS has to be "so careful" with us during our visitation because of this appointment, but you can take him on vacation with a bunch of people right before this appointment, no issues.

I call bullshit - this has nothing to do with his appointment, this has everything to do with BM trying to control our household and our visitation. She does this every summer, but each time, the tactic is different. Last summer, she claimed physical abuse to try to force her involvement in our household, then she claimed SS needed extra football conditioning that we HAD TO provide during our time, now it's health precautions for an appointment. I'm so over BM. I swear when one plan to get attention from us fails, she goes to Plan B, then Plan C and so on. Won't she ever just give up? I am also so sick of the influx of emails from BM right around visitation time. BM is radio silent all year when she has SS, but the 6 weeks we are supposed to have him, we hear from her daily leading up to pick-up. This woman is legit exhausting. 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ugh. What on earth is wrong with these BMs that they feel the need to stay relevant and insert themselves into their exe's households?? SMH

halo1998's picture


Thank for the information regarding SS's health.  I will take your suggestions under advisement. 

Have a nice day.


rinse and repeat...over and over....

We had to do it with Beaver....

lieutenant_dad's picture

I wouldn't even say that much. Just "Thanks for keeping me informed." 

Castle, knowing that she is going to do this, the less DH can say, the better. Next year it'll be that he's in constant pain and his joints hurt (because he's growing). The year after that it'll be some sort of free summer program that the school offers to incoming freshmen. You get the idea.

Your DH just formulates a standard response that he copy and pastes into every email. Unless something is actually wrong with SS, just treat everything she says as pot stirring and grey rock it.

CastleJJ's picture

DH always responds using the BIFF method. He responds to 98% of emails with "Thank you for the update." Even when BM claims SS has something terribly wrong, we provide the same response. For this response, DH literally said "We aren't changing our plans, but will keep it in mind." We never give BM anything to go on. That's why I'm surprised BM can't take the hint. She literally has nothing to go on, but still finds a way to continue this crap. 

She is never denying our visitation, she just gives us "to do" list items for when he is here to keep control. Like she expects us to do "football conditioning" a few times while he is with us and she will now expect us to be careful due to his "medical needs". It's always something. We are just done caring and if BM is mad that we don't do as she says, she can pack sand. 

Oh and I know SS will come with another perfume covered stuffed animal. The kid is 10 and she sends him with one every visit since we concluded court in 2019. He never uses it; it literally sits in a bag in the bottom of his closet until he leaves, yet she continues to send it, like SS will die without it. I told DH not to acknowledge it because if we give it attention, she will send 5 more. 

AgedOut's picture

Dear BM from hades, 

Thank you for the heads up on this most recent health issue you have told us SS has. While we have had zero issues with this at our house, we are sure you have his best interests at heart.  Espeically since the procedure will not be easy for him and will cause him much stress and discomfort. 

Luckily we have both been vaccinated and are already careful for all of our family members so this isn't an issue for us. I'm sure you will also be careful when you take him on a trip. 

Dad, who isn't buying your bulldhit. 


tl;dr: go boink yourself and the fake health issues canoe you paddled in on.

advice.only2's picture

BM is so d@mn pathetic trying to stay relevant in DH’s life.  It’s kind of funny to think about that your DH is probably the third wheel in GF’s eyes to her relationship with BM.  I mean really BM does all this to get DH’s attention, it doesn’t work so she creates some new scenario. 

CastleJJ's picture

And that's what I can't figure out. BM and DH dated in high school/start of college. They were on again, off again for two years with their longest consistent stretch being a year. BM broke up with DH and then ghosted him, blocking him on everything. DH and I have been together for 9 years, but he has been separated from BM for 11 years. BM claims over and over again that she never loved DH, only used him to have SS, and that she hates DH. So why go through all this trouble for someone you despise? Like I do not get it. 

advice.only2's picture

I think it's the old "I don't want him, but I don't want anybody else to have him."  You said it yourself she has mental issues and she wants all eyes on her and to think that DH is still pining away for her. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Of HCBMs. We never tell BM what to do and how to do it during her time. ALL we ask is to keep DH informed on important issues such as medical and school, but BM does not shut up about "summer school" or her worries about SD educationally during summer. BM couldn't manage this all school year, but our 7 weeks of summer that from the getgo before BM mentioned it we said were taking SD to tutoring over the summer. Plus before every visit, BM sends instructions of one thing or multiple things regarding SD, it is SUPER annoying. 

Meanwhile I am sure if your SS gets sick from visiting with BM in your state, she will blame it on your DH and you, even if it is obvious beforehand it wasn't from your household. Perhaps consider an at home covid test or something for SS before he goes back to BM's so you have evidence just in case. Could even say in an email the day of or after going back to her "we wanted to take precautions and be sure SS wasn't sick so we had him tested for COVID and here are his results"

CastleJJ's picture

I'm not even giving BM the satisfaction of a COVID test because if it isn't covid, she will find something else - croup, the flu, the common cold. Kids get sick, it's a part of life. I am not going to change our routine or our plans just to keep BM happy, especially when BM isn't doing anything on her time to prevent illness either. 

dragonfly878's picture

Does SS have a phone? Do you know if she tracks his location during your time with him? She seems so invasive it's wild...

CastleJJ's picture

No, he does not have a phone. BM and GF did send him with a kid's smartwatch once. SS said that GF made him take it with him in case of "human trafficking" and he said that it sends BM and GF a location update via text every 15 minutes. We made SS turn it off and we left it in his bag, in the pantry, for the whole two weeks. SS never asked about it and was totally fine without it. When we gave it back after the visit, it displayed that it was remotely turned on, which means that BM and GF remotely turned it on, but if they were tracking it, they were tracking our pantry for 2 weeks. When SS comes, I always check is bag to ensure he doesn't have it, but they haven't sent it back. We make sure it's not an effective tool for them to use. 

CastleJJ's picture

I just keep telling myself "Only 8 more years." And I know people always say "It doesn't end when the kid turns 18." I'm not worried about SS and dealing with him. I just mean only 8 more years until we can block BM's phone number and email address and never have to communicate with her again. And she will have no further legal or financial power over us or a CO backing her up. 

dragonfly878's picture

I'm not sure how things are in your state- but there are times when a BM can request contiued child support past the age of 18 if the kid still lives with them while in school. I'm dreading that as I don't see my SS14 launching... I feel like if there is a way they can insert themselves to gain control they will- your BM is over the top for sure...

CastleJJ's picture

Our state does not allow for CS after 18 unless a disability resulting in dependency is present. DH already has a CS cease date of June 2030 in his current CO. 

SS is a high academic achiever and wants to go to some major university. There isn't a university near BM so he couldn't live with her into adulthood. The only thing she could try is to go after college expenses, but our attorney said she will have a hard time winning that fight since both DH and BM were on student loans for their educations. 

thinkthrice's picture

To try and get him labeled as "disabled" in order to keep CS rolling in past age 18.