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Is that holidays?

Caroline2b1211's picture

Since my last post, things haven't changed with SS behaviour. 
For now, he is with BM but DH feels like he is really distant on the phone...

This make me think about what my life will look like, and especially holidays...

I have 5W of holidays by year. We used to spend half of them to my family. 
My parents have a beautiful holidays house and we used to spend time there with DH and SS. 
My parents don't want SS anymore since they see him as a threat of false accusation. 
If i want to spend holidays there, i will come alone with my baby... 

wonder if it's sustainable... That kind of "familly" dispatched everywhere. My baby and i on one side, DH and his son on another side... 



GrudgingSM's picture

I am sorry that your SS is a PITA. I don't have a great solution, but one thing I saw on another stepparent blog was about thinking about herself as both a family of four and a family of six. You are a family of two and a family of four. There will be times when it needs to be just you and your own kiddo. There will be times where it's you and DH and a bio. And the picture a family just Hass to look different in each different context. I know it's not the fantasy picture people imagine, and certainly not the hopes that they have going into a step situation, but maybe there are ways to see some good in it.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks for your message.

However, my baby is also DH son's..

But i do understand the point. To mentally represent two families ... one of 4, one of 3 and one of 2

tog redux's picture

Why can't DH come with you to your family's place with the baby, if SS isn't even with you? SS can stay with BM and then see DH at another time.

Caroline2b1211's picture

I guess because he wants to spend time with his son. 
And BM won't agree, she does whatever she can to get ride of his son everytime she has an opportunity (not my business, but SS goes on BM times to MIL, and to her parents, to uncles and aunts.. even on school times, he goes to sleep out of home, to friends or family)

tog redux's picture

It's not reasonable for him to neglect YOUR child on the holidays in favor of his first son.

I feel sad for the kid too, but your DH chasing after him and making him the priority won't help with the alienation, it will just feed the entitlement.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes but, tell me if i'm wrong : it's not reasonable either to send SS on DH time to BM. DH wants to maintain his full parenting time. Isn't it not fair to SS to miss time with his dad ?

We live 2hours far from BM. DH can't have him on school days

tog redux's picture

Sending him to his mother's every other Christmas is the right thing to do for everyone, including SS. Why does he get no holidays with his mom? Your DH chose to get another kid. Does he want your son to feel he favors SS?

Winterglow's picture

I actually feel sorry for your SS. You said in an earlier post that you had a pretty good relationship with him until your MIL stepped in and interfered. Your MIL is a bitter old bat who, IMO, is consumed with jealousy for you and your family - she could tolerate you until you had a baby and then she realized that you were going to stick around after all. I hate the idea that she's spoiling so much for your SS who is only 9 after all - how can he be expected to stand up to his grandmother? So much hate ... And I cannot blame your parents for not wanting him around either. It's amazing how much trouble can be caused by one sick individual, isn't it?

Anyway, here's a suggestion. Why can't your SS spend some of his holidays with another member of the family? Does he have uncles, aunts, cousins? A week with one or more of them would at least take him out of the manipulation spiral. Is it too late to sign him up for a week's holiday with the local "centre sociale" or "centre aeré"? My daughters have been skiing and camping with ours and loved it! OR maybe a "colonie" for a week or two? UCPA? The whole idea being to give him a great experience, encourage his independence and to allow you to spend time with your husband on holiday.

Just a few rambling thoughts ... lol

Caroline2b1211's picture

I feel so sorry for him too. You are right, we used to have a good relationship and we spent many good times together. He was nice, kind, respectful and my family loved him too. 
I feel like he is deprived of a "normal" life he could have with all of us as a family. 

However, i can't put my son and parents in danger. I know it's not his fault, but for now he is a weapon.

Good idea for "centre aéré" however i'm sure it will be misunderstood (ex: your father send you to this to get ride of you). For now, the situation is not pacific to consider that solution.

He has an aunt (DH sister) but she actively participate to this dynsfunctional situation. She takes MIL side too.. 

Winterglow's picture

I agree that he's been weaponized ... and I hope that karma will be an absolute bitch to those responsible. 

Does he have any activities/sports/etc. that he truly loves? Because that might be your opening. Finding a possibility for him to do something that he absolutely adores and let him know that it's there but that he has to really want to, dangle it in front of him like a bright shiny object Smile  Make it a trophy for him Smile Let him be the one to ask so that the weight of that is taken off of you and his father. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Well, that sounds smart ! 
I will be looking for that option. However SS has absolutely no interest in anything else than his phone (spends 12/14 hours a week-end day at BM and MIL)... 

Maybe some moto sports... let's see what could please him