Hypothetical fight...Am I crazy?
My husband of one year has brought alot of baggage to the table that I accepted openly...He has four children with three different women. He holds what he calls a "friendship" with the mother of his oldest son. I have supported a positive relationship between the two because I think it very important for his son. BUT...
We recently had a "hypothetical" conversation about what we would do if we came into alot of money. I mentioned paying bills, helping his children, and helping our family. The first this out of his mouth was that he wanted to buy her (the mother of his son) a new car and pay off her education. I thought that this was wrong on so many levels, and he dismissed my feelings and told me that it was just him wanting to help out a "friend". He told me that I was just jealous, and that I had no good reason to be upset about it.
I know this was only a "hypothetical fight", but days later, I am still really concerned about where his head is at...Am I crazy for thinking this is wrong? Someone help!!
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Excuse me...I apologize for
Excuse me...I apologize for being so blunt, but this is one of the most absurd things I have ever heard. He didn't say...help my children and pay for their education, do something nice for us and for you. He said help his ex buy a car and pay off her debt?
OK, they have a friendship, but where are his priorities? Your relationship and his children should be a priority, not his ex.
I know this was just a hypothetical situation, but I don't think you are wrong in questioning his response.
I agree with Bobbi.
You are not crazy AT ALL in this case (though you DID take on A LOT when you married a guy with 4 children w/3 different moms)!! Hypotheticals are pretty powerful conversations sometimes, and this one would make me pretty mad! She's not a 'friend' anymore, she's the mother of his children. These lines just get SO blurry sometimes, and so easily so.
You talked about 'supporting a potitive relationship' between them, which is a little vague. I hope that you are not encouraging them to socialize (and subtly encouraging him to put his energy towards her and not you)!! I don't mean to sound like I am blaming you in ANY WAY, because I am not, but I just hope that you are doing all that you can on your end to not tolerate this kind of behavior!
We are rooting for you.
Not that Stupid!
No, I am not in any way pushing for them to have a better relationship. I am just looking out for the child's best interest. I do comment to him when I think perhaps their phone conversations are a little long, or that she does not necessarily need to know his life story, but he always combats it with the fact that he wants to be open with her for the sake of their son, and that it is important for her to know what is happening in his life, because his life has a direct impact with the son...
I am just not sure how far to take the argument. He finally said (after I brought it up again) that he would never make that kind of decision without my permission, but it still bothers me that he would WANT to do it. I do not want to end up in a divorce court somewhere because this "difference in opinion" cannot be resolved...but I don't want to just blow it off and let him think it is OK either. Every time I think about it I get knots in my stomach. They do not even live anywhere near one another, so I am not worried about him cheating or leaving me. In fact, I truly believe that he is just being nice. I just can't accept my husband being THAT nice to THAT person (or even thinking it would be ok). I am just sick and confused -- but mostly hurt.
Thanks for your support, and I appreciate any advice you have to offer.
RE:
Wait a minute, whoa...
She may be your friend, but I'm your wife! Why is she higher on your list of priorities than me or your children?
I think that's pretty scary. I would be worried too if I were in your position. What type of "friendship" do they have? You said you support a positive relationship between them, which I understand and congratulate you for because it is indeed better for the children...but what type of relationship do they really have? Do they chat about life, or just talk about the kids when necessary? Are they coffee buddies? Do they go out of their way to speak to each other or only speak when they have to? I too support them being civil towards each other but I don't think they should be lunchbreak pals if you catch my drift.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Still on a slow burn
We do not live anywhere near her, so I know it is not like that, but I have talked to him before about the fact that I think their phone conversations are too long and contain some unnecssary information. I am just sick about it, I am sick of thinking about it...I am mad that I seem like I am just blowing it off, but I do not know what else to do. On the exterior I can pretend that I am not upset anymore, but I have knots in my stomach. I cannot concentrate on anything.I am not worried that he wants to be with her in any way, but even if there is no risk of that, do I still have the right to feel this way?
i think you do
have every right to feel this way. It doesn't sound like a sexual relationship, but it does sound like they ar eemotionally enmeshed enough to make you feel uncomfortable, and that is grounds enough for things to change a bit.
These sound like classic 'boundary' issues...is he willing to go to counseling?
WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS HE
WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS HE REALLY SAID THAT TO YOU? i would have smacked him in his head and said over my dead body. how dare he suggest such a thing. sounds like he still love this woman, sorry not to upset you even more but are they having an affair? i would get to the bottom of it and do what's best for you.
-happy mom