New Soon-to-be Step Mom
I am soon-to-be step mother. I have been in a relationship for 3 hrs & we plan to get married next year. When we met, I had 1 girl of my own (now 9) & he had 2 (now 10 & 4). A year ago we had a little girl together. I am so glad that I found this site, because I have so many questions, thoughts and I don't have anyone to talk to that will understand. It's sound weird because you would expect my fiancé to understand because he is a step parent himself. he is one of those "laid back" kind of people. Sometimes too laid back!
In my home I believe in disciplining bother our children the same. I don't feel it's fair to my daughter that she gets disciplined and my oldest SS gets little slaps on the wrist. I also feel as though I'm supposed to be a step mom when it comes to planning parties & spending money, but when they act up I'm not able to implement the rules of my household. Now I would never put a hand in them, my fiancé does that. I just want to feel like I'm more involved I guess, and not only when it comes to spending my money.
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What I suggest: 1. Talk to
What I suggest:
1. Talk to your fiancé. Tell him that before y'all get married(where you are locked in and only way out is divorce) you would like to address some things that you feel need to be worked on in both of you (this way its not attacking) for the children.
2. Lay out how you feel about discipline and how there should be no favoritism as this will cause resentment in the children and turmoil in your relationship (it does for everyone trust me).
3. Come to a consensus on how you are to handle things when he is not around and vise versa (with your children) when you are not around. This way there is no confusion on "house rules". And speaking of, it is a good idea to write out house rules that you both agree with and make that the new standard. As blending families is hard when the adults have different rules all together.
4. Don't spend your money on the Skids. I do not spend my money of SS unless it is for a gift for a birthday or something that I deem appropriate. I do not buy him anything big etc. Just a small gift only on holidays or birthday and that is only if I feel like it. The more you put into them monetarily the more they will expect that and will only use you for money. Teach them that you are not the ATM but do actually care about them and would like to be respected as a secondary parent.
I can totally relate to you.
I can totally relate to you. In the early days of my marriage, I was certainly an "ATM" to DW and the skids. It was totally fine for them to take gifts and money from me, which I was expected to offer without a hint of thanks or appreciation from either DW or the skids. I got the usual "package deal" crap from DW, who told me I should treat the kids as my own (at least when it came to buying them things, running errands for them, helping them with school, etc.). However, what DW neglected to tell me was that "treating them as my own" would not extend to house rules, discipline, or respect. Since I wasn't the real father, I would have no say in parenting kids that lived IN MY OWN FREAKING HOUSE.
When the skids were younger, it was not such a big deal. However, as they got older, things got progressively worse (especially SD's rebellious behavior), and I began to really resent all of the time, money, and energy that I wasted on them. I eventually tried a strategy of "withdrawing" right around the time I found this site. I realized that "withdrawing" was the same thing as "disengaging," and I wholeheartedly embraced that approach after seeing stories of it working for folks here.
My advice for you is to pre-emptively disengage from these skids. The inequity that you are seeing now will only get worse with time, and it will eat away at your sanity. Focus on your soon-to-be husband, and just try to minimize your interactions with his spawn. You will be happier in the long run.