I worked in the foster care system in a previous life. Don't even consider it unless your No. 1 goal is to help troubled kids. Wanting to add to your family is understandable, but you must know that may never happen with a foster kid. 

Bioparents often do not lose contact rights to their kids in foster care. The adoption process in very, very long with foster kids. You could have YEARS of custody of a child whose BM is still allowed just enough phone calls to continue to screw up her kid.

Older children in foster care most often have an alphabet soup of behavorial disorder and mental diagnosis. If the stress of a SD affects your health, the stress of trying to raise an extremely damaged child will be worse.

If you want a child an to add to your family, adopt an infant. If you want to spend years in limbo with shitty bioparents always in the wings trying to undo the help you attempt to give a very troubled child, be a foster parent.

But if you REALLY want to adopt a child/children, please don't put it off until it's "too late" and you miss your chance to be a mom. Please don't. It will be a regret that hurts (maybe even kills) your marriage and more importantly; your SOUL.

I know it's only 22 days before your wedding, but if you really think his daughter is going to prevent you from having children of your own or really degrade the quality of your future childrens lives...are you really ok with that? Please consider this and decide if "love is enough". 

edit: I just saw in your profile you are the "primary" financial support to you home also. Please consider this also, you will be paying the majority for sd, while issues with her and her bm might prevent your own children. (Cops being called on you will not look good for adoption...). 

Please really think about this and if this is really the life you want. 

I can tell you that voice inside your head is there for a reason. Listen to it. 

We internationally adopted a four year old. It was a nightmare. They all have developmental trauma that requires monumental parenting skills and the craziness of siblings showing up and leaving was just awful along with how much they stirred him up so they could laugh at how crazy he got. It would take me HOURS to re-regulate him. 

Adopting an older child is not unlike being a stepparent. They already HAVE a mother. You become the caretaking enemy because they are so angry at the Mom who failed them. I thought I was providing a family for a child who didn’t have one, but essentially I’m a stepmother with legal parental rights. 

If I had it to do over again, I would adopt an infant. We didn’t because DH didn’t want to go through infancy again. So he got to experience it twice and I got zero. I have stronger attachments with my nieces. 

But for you, It will be difficult to adopt an infant if cops and CPS are being called all the time. A social worker would be remiss to okay a child for that home. 

If children of your own are a dealbreaker, and if you have even an inkling that that is the case, this marriage isn’t for you. 

You can easily adopt as a single mom. 

My favorite skid line, from a 20 year old who didn’t bother to work over summer break and then got a tuition bill increase that DH refused to cover, saying if she’d worked, it would have been covered:” If you hadn’t adopted (younger brother), you’d have more money to spend on me.” Choo choo, the entitlement train!

Yikes, tough spot.  Personally, adoption or fostering isn't for me- not after having been a step-parent.  I cannot deal anymore w/troubled children/teens.  An infant might be the only way I personally would consider, other then surrogate.  If this is what you really want, you need to have some hard conversations with your to be husband and honesty with yourself-is this what you want to do and will this marriage allow for it?  Waiting until that age to start seems ludicrous.

DH's parents fostered several teens while he was growing up. It worked for his family, but they were an intact family. Adding step dynamics to it could be tricky. If SD wasn't the way she is, it might be different. 

I would look at adopting an infant, I think, If I was you. Have you talked to anyone in the foster care system? Some kids are in the foster-adopt category so you might be able to get a baby fresh from the hospital with a mother who already has other kids taken and her rights to the new baby already terminated. 

You wrote

"With all the legal fees, vistation expenses, the constant stress the situation causes us, and add to that my FH works nights becuase that's the only way his job allows him to work a M-F right now to facilitate SD being here on the weekends...I just find myself lost in thought about what may be my small voice of reason saying it's not a good idea...and that's made me super depressed going into our wedding, which should be a happy and exciting time."

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What do your parents say when you told them this?

While foster care rules vary by state, some things are universal. If you are interested in foster care, read some foster care foster parent blog. Most don't sugar coat their words. You'll find out about both the (very) good and the (really) hard of foster care.

Attend a foster care parent recruitment night. Learn what is and isnt possible in your state. Ask about your state rules for adoption. Some places have upper age limits for infant adoption. 

I have no experience what so ever in fostering or adoption,  I and my DW have Kinship guardianship of the grandkids and will have full custody soon.

However I would fully investigate fostering in your state as I have heard some horror stories about fostering, I am honestly not trying to talk you out of the idea.  You are very correct that there are so many deserving kids out there that just need a chance, just collect all the information you can on the pros and cons of fostering.  Honestly I can’t imagine it would be much different that being a step parent.

I know of a few happy ending foster/adoption stories.  My sons karate teacher and his wife fostered and then adopted 4 children.  They don't have any children or skids of their own and this is how they got their family.  I was a foster kid as a teen, foster care saved my life and I still keep in touch with my foster family.  A girl I used to do reading tutoring with was foster/adopted while in grade school. She did have some learning issues possibly due to an earlier situation in her life but she is well adjusted, happy and I would have never known her situation if she didn't happily announce that she was recently adopted.  

I've thought about fostering as well but that would only happen after my 11 yr old ages out.  He's a handful and would not be ok being displaced as the young prince.  Do consider that it could give BM a brand new pile to pull accusations from.  Also think about ages, it would be best to foster a child younger than SD as not to displace her as the oldest.  DH would have to be 100% on the same page with this.  

Best of luck! Do your homework on this.