I know you dont want to read "Leave" you want actual advice, but Im not sure what you mean by that.

You can try different things to handle his rage mode - such as walk away when hes talking to you. Call the cops to frighten him a bit. Print out divorce filings and child support calculations to frighten him. Suggest counseling.

One point that I think needs clarification is that more and more folks are doing 50/50. Im not sure what happened that he got less. Was it because you quit the babysitting job? If thats the case then there is a definite cause/effect between him seeing the skid less because of you refusing to watch the child. You might want to revisit that. 

Ok, so thats the "Actual Advice".

Leave the jerk. 

I'm going to say it: LEAVE. 

My psycho exh was a rager. Thankfully, we had no children. And your children are your first priority. I cannot begin to imagine what is going on inside your 3 year old's mind seeing/hearing stepdad act like this. 

Please contact a women's shelter immediately. The fact that you are using the word "Rage" at you makes me very fearful for your safety. 

I left an abusive marriage and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. There are people and services out there to help you. Please, get help. Leave and protect your children. 

seriously this man is abusive.

You and your bios deserve so much more. Remember that.

So you recognize this as abuse but you don't want to leave? Why is that?

This is a him problem, and you can't fix a him problem. What he needs is anger management and therapy. What he needs is to be single to work through whatever issues he has so he isn't abusive any longer.

What YOU need to do is speak with a domestic violence shelter to talk through next steps for you.

Staying teaches your kids that they should expect and accept being abused by future partners, and that they should put up with it because you did. You're normalizing abuse for them.

I don't think there is any good advice to be given here other than leave.  You are in an abusive situation.  The fact that you don't want to hear "leave" in light of how your husband behaves is frightening.  

I can understand your husband's point of view to an extent.  His expectation when he married you, moved away from his mother and you then quit your job was that you would watch both kids.  You didn't end up doing that, so in his mind you're not doing your job and what he planned for you to do.  His thinking may or may not be right, depending on what the two of you agreed. (For instance, my DH agreed to my being a SAHM on the condition that I was responsible for the skids when he was at work.  If I decided I couldn't handle that, I would need to go back to work so we could afford daycare).  His reaction to all of it is unacceptable, however.  Sometimes things don't work out and we have to switch plans.  I assume he couldn't afford to have both a stay-at-home wife/mom AND daycare for his child.  If he could afford that, I'm not sure why he's only seeing his child EOW.  In any event, that's all irrelevant at this point.  He is abusive, and you should leave, if not for you then for your children, who should not grow up thinking abusive behavior is normal or acceptable.  Keep in mind also that verbal and emotional abuse can escalate to physical abuse.  Be safe.  Make an exit plan.

This is abuse. The cycles of rage and then playing nice, which is known as love bombing. Then when you don't react how he wants you to, he rages again. At some point, this rage will turn physical. You need to protect you and your baby. 

While your DH blames you for his lessened visitation with his daughter, it is also on him. His job does not allow him to be home with SD during the week and even when he is home in the evening, you say he doesn't spend time with her. What is the point of her being at your house if he isn't around to see her. Honestly, the weekend visitation is probably for the best - but of course BM and Grandma are going to use that against DH since it puts most of the parenting on BM. 

I know this isn't the best time with a new baby.. but you have to do the right thing for your kids.  His raging at you is unnaceptable.  He may be angry that you did not go through with your plans of watching his child while you stayed at home.. but he can be angry and not be a raging ahole.  

If he approached things reasonably.. perhaps there could be a better solution to all of this.. but he doesn't.

Regular monthly abuse sessions are a horrible display for all the kids.  

If you aren't working you need to speak to a shelter to find out what options there are for you .  If you have family you can stay with.. that can be a first step away.. but in your situation.. the only choice is to leave.. or wait for his rage to escalate... would you be more inclined to leave when he starts raging at your 3yo?

I'm trying to wrap my head around your asking for advice on how to stay with your abuser.  If you are insistent that you won't leave then go back to work as soon as you possibly can.  Earn your own money and save as much as possible for your future.  If you are working, then you have an ironclad reason not to watch his child.  Yes, this will mean finding childcare for your children but that can be done.  Also, consider counseling for yourself.  

Hun, I'm not sure that there's anything you can do to get through to him. Counselling is the obvious advice here.

I would be threatening to leave and explain to him how his behaviour effects you and your children. There needs to be a big turnaround here.

You perhaps feel a bit guilty for not having his daughter and that perhaps keeping you there in this relationship more than it should. The reality is, your not a babysitter. His DD is there to see him and if he is not around to see her that's on him completely.  If he was on his own he would be in the same situation so it really has nothing to do with you. You have enough on your plate with a 3 year old and a baby.

Its not your fault he is not available to build a relationship and parent HIS child. 

I would be writing down these events to protect your child in case you do split and he asks for visitation. This might be another reason keeping you in the relationship. 

LEAVE!

This is abusive and will continue to escalate and don't think he won't lay hands on you in one of his raging fits. And personally, the day my husband calls me a Fing Biotch and tells me he should have just F'd me and left me?? That MFer would be gone. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline and get yourself, your 3 year old and your 5 week old baby out of that abusive home.

I hope you're here and still reading replies. I see me in you. The me from a long time ago (I'm old) that had a spouse who took his anger out in words. He'd rant and rage and I'd try to come up with ideas to help him see how verbally abusive he was. Id appease, cajole, even lie just to keep Mt St Hubby from blowing. The kids and I walked on tippy toes. I'd try to be better. I try to keep my kids quieter and try to hide them in their rooms to "play" so they wouldn't hear him. 

You know what happened? I becamse someone I'm not. I took all the abuse and tried to not show him emotion because tears set him off on a rant. And in the process of keeping him happy I lost sight of my children's happiness and my happiness was a pipe dream. 

My advice? Look at what your children see. Look at what you're becoming. Go to counselling for you. Re-up that resume. Spend time w/ people who value you. Tell them what you've living. Let them help you understand that marriage is a partnership, it isn't 50/50, sometimes it's 70/30 depending on both partners. You deserve respect and kindness. You deserve happiness. I did leave my ex. I saw him take his anger out on my child and that was it for me. You haven't reached your line yet. But please have a plan just in case. Please. I won't tell you to leave but I will tell you that you matter and no one who loves you should treat you this way over and over. 

This is definitely emotional abuse. So, I was with a guy for 8 years... He was far from my type as in physical attractiveness, but at first, he was the only person who could make me laugh so much. He was good to my DD13, she was 2 at the time and things just felt right. A year or so went by and everytime we would go out for drinks with friends or have friends over, he would publicly humuliate me and always say that he was, "Just kidding" Then we would start to argue and he would full on scream at me and call me a shit mother and so on and so forth. Blame me for everything when he was frustrated. When we didn't argue and he was in a good mood, life was good... But the more time that went by, the worse he got. To the point where he was punching holes in the walls, calling me every name in the book, holding me down while he screamed in my ear just because he had a "bad day" at work.

You don't want it to be 8 years down the road, and be in this situation. Because in all honesty, from just reading what I read in your blog, it's going to happen down the road. I am not telling you to leave him, because when I was at the point in my relationship where you are, I didn't want to hear it.... But when time went on and he kept taking things out on me that wasn't even in my control, I started to hate myself... I went into a depression, a very bad one. My mom actually saved me and said if I didn't seek therapy since I refused to get out of the situation that I was in, that she was going to have me sent to the hospital... So I started going, I got better and better. It took about a month or two, and guess what? I gathered the strength to leave him, I took my daughter and our things and got out and stayed gone. My DD13 called him dad and loved him dearly, but he was killing me internally and my DD13 knew it... I knew she would be sad but even sadder if she saw how depressed that I was getting and I didn't want that for her.

This isn't going to be pretty if you stay...trust me. Please think about it and maybe go to counseling and it will help you see things more clearly.... I wish you the best of luck, truly.

My dad was a rager... I remember packing my mom's underwear in a brown giant grocery bag when I was 5.  I wanted her to run away.  She didn't.. their generation saw divorce as a failure (my dad especially).. but while they did have some good times in their marriage.. I also have images in my childhood where my dad lost it on us.  Smashing the big mac against the window of the car when my mom had taken us kids to see a movie instead of being home cooking.  Hitting me over the head with an icy tree branch when I was 12 and then watching him tear up my favorite shirt because my brother and I had done some sledding in the back yard and accidentally broke a branch off a shrub.  watching him pound on the bathroom door where my mom was hiding. Hearing my mom called fat and worthless.  "jelly" Having to keep secrets from him because you never knew what was going to set him off.

Watching him rage against my mom.. the phone ring and he picks it up with a perfectly calm and cordial voice.. 

He is still with us at 92.  My DH has only known my dad in his later years.. and for his faults, my dad is also smart and interesting...and so my husband knows he was not always great when we were growing up.. but he respects him for the man he is now.  I help my dad with things now too.. as a dutiful daughter would.. I love him because he is my dad.. but I can't forget how he could be when I was younger... and it's not something I would want to see kids have to live with.. they don't have a choice.. OP DOES.. she is an adult and can make things better.

I can't imagine what the stress of trying not to set him off is doing to you physically. Especially since you recently gave birth. I'm sure you're exhausted and thinking about leaving seems overwhelming. So I won't tell you to leave. But I will advise you to start taking baby steps to prepare things in case you do need to leave. I would start with therapy or counseling, because even with all the money and resources in the world, it will take strength to make a decision one way or the other. A good therapist will help you remember who you REALLY are and understand what you deserve. You might be surprised how your feelings about leaving change when you have a clearer sense of self. Beyond that, I think you should do a little at a time to prepare financially and practically. If that means going back to work, then get the ball rolling on that. The last think you want is to have zero options when this inevitably becomes physical.

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. You don't deserve it. I hope that you're able to find happiness.