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Setting these kids up for failure

briarmommy's picture

Why do people insist on setting children up for failure?

My SS8 is short for his age and skinny, he also is rather thin boned, whiny, and gets winded in about 5 min of physical activity. Now my SS8 is not stupid but neither is he a genius, he is average in most ways. But my MIL and BM are constantly telling him that he is a genius and that he is just to smart, now I am all for encouraging children but I don't think lying to them and giving them false perceptions is good either. He needs to study and its not that he is to smart, its that he doesn't get it, his teachers say that he needs help with his school work, so why does everyone keep insisting the kid is a genius and never help him get his work done?

Mil is always telling my SS8 that someday he will be as tall as his daddy, DH is 6 ft 7in tall, now my SS8 is a small kid, not built like my DH at all. His mother and all of his mothers family is very short, even the men. So SS8 goes around saying that he will be as tall if not taller then his father and is definate about it. Now the boy is 8 hes not a baby anymore whats going to happen when he is 18 and only 5ft 10in. Why does he need to be told he is going to be huge all the time? Its not his build, its probably not in the cards so why set him up for failure? Whats going to be really bad is when my daughter ends up being taller then him, she is built like me and is in the 99% in height, I am 6ft 1in tall. There is a good chance that BD will be taller then her older brother and because of Mil he will feel even more inferior if this happens.

The go on and on about how fit he is but he doesn't like to move at all and wears out after 10min of playing catch, why tell this boy that he will grow up to be a great athlete when he never does any practice and can't play?

SS needs encouragemet, but he needs realistic encouragement. I think this is true of most kids in SS's generation, we are setting them up for failure by making them think they are perfect and never need to apply themselves.......there is a difference between encouragement and lying.....rant over

Comments

goodwitch's picture

I couldn't agree with you more. It is insane what they set these kids up for. My FDH has encouraged his kids to be equals. They are now 19 and soon to be 21. The 21 year old corrects his father all the time, because he thinks he is smarter than him. Well little man your dad has a PhD, what do you have nothing. And the last time I checked you got your second D in Calculus so you probably are not going to get a PhD either.

It was hilarious the email from the school saying they would not speak to his father or mother about the subject he was an adult and he needed to decide what he planned to do as far as major because he has been unable to pass the math requirement. Because I am disengage and actually don't give a damn I probably will never know what happens to the genius. But I bet anyone money it won't be a PhD.

And I can't help but gloat I got an A in Calculus in College--take that you pain in my butt prince genius. Sorry I went off topic but I am so sick of hearing how special, smart, beautiful and overall fantastic these kids are. They're not bad, but they are not all that and a bag of chips.

briarmommy's picture

The sad thing is they are hurting there kids, these kids who are spoiled and told how perfect they are aren't ready for the real world where people will tell them the truth and won't suger coat it. They aren't ready for a job and constructive critisim and they are definitly not ready for a healthy give and take relationship with another person.

youngmama1b1g's picture

I see these kids all the time. Who are told at 8 through 12 years old that they are exceptional at everything. It really does set the kids up for failure. If you can, be smart and nip it in the bud while you can.
My younger (half) brothers, upon seeing our older brother sprout to 6 feet proclaimed that they would be taller than him one day. I quickly corrected them both with a 'maybe'. I reminded them both that our father is close to 6 feet and their father is five and half feet with shoes on...concluding with dont get your hopes up. Now that my one brother,16, is taller than me, he reiterated how tall hes going to be and i once again put him back in place. Sometimes you've gotta be a little harsh, most times it can be humerous, but a reality check is needed regardless.

Kes's picture

I have the same problem with my SD16. She is academically average, not a star pupil, but has it in her head that she wants to be a doctor. The college where she just started studying for 'A' levels in Physics, Chemistry, Biology and Drama has told her she will NOT get into medical school, based on her grades. Despite this her BM continues to make her think she can do anything, and even my DH thinks she is going to do well in these subjects. Of course I can't be sure, but I have a very strong feeling she will flunk several of them because she overestimates her ability, and has been encouraged to do so by her parents.
I do not want to be saying "I told you so" a few months down the line when she is struggling with the work.
Incidentally, both my SDs got told the "tall" thing as well, they have now stopped growing and are short, like their mother. Completely barmy!

briarmommy's picture

This is what is so sad if they had been honest with her she could possiably have done this program with a lot of hard work and a tutor but now she will think none is necessary and just fail and that will be worse. But no one ever listens to us.

briarmommy's picture

Thats what we should start children boot camp, it could be madantory and be at school for 6 weeks during the day and it will be intensive courses on life lessons, mannors, and reasonable expectations. It should also have a part that emphazizes that parents are not there to financially support you forever so thinking this now and realizing that they will eventually need a job, even if its not there dream job, to support themselves.

briarmommy's picture

See this is the sad side effect to, if your raised to think your so special and that you are the most important, how can you have a heathy relationship with another person? I'm sorry you had the misfortune of being with one of these "ruined" children turned adults.

Willow2010's picture

Yea…I don’t get it either. My DH used to ALWAYS let SS win at EVERYTHING. One of the many things that stands out to me was he had the kid believe that he could beat DH at arm wrestling when SS was about 11ish. It was sick. SS was about 60LBs then and DH was about 230LB. SS went to school the next day and bragged about beating his dad at arm wrestling so of course, everyone wanted to arm wrestle SS. AND of course SS lost every time. He was crushed and just did not understand.

SS is 18 and DH still does it to an extent. I just try to ignore it.

briarmommy's picture

So whats going to happen when SS18 gets older goes into a bar gets drunk and challenges some biker to a arm wrestling competition? I'm with you all we can do is try to ignore it and watch the train wreck unfold while we try to protect our children from it.

Willow2010's picture

Thank goodness my SS "seems" to be turning out pretty good. And, I contribute that to the fact that he lived with us for the last two years and DH was a little more mature about things like that. lol.

briarmommy's picture

The bad thing is that BM does it to. The really sad thing is that MIl and BM both have one thing going for them, neither of them is all that bright but they both work very hard and have accomplished things by studying and applying themselves, why thy don't think that there one greatest asset isn't worth passing on is beyond me. They are really doing him a disservice.

briarmommy's picture

That is my point, I want his mother and Mil to teach him the hard work that paid off for them, they have become succesful because of hard work. It is important to give kids good self esteem but there is a difference between inflated ego and good self esteem.