If they were bios would anyone care?
:?
So I have been thinking, another poster recently posted on the fact that sometimes in trying to make the world so fair for steps it actually becomes unfair to bios, which I completly agree with.
People want us to treat our steps the same as our children whenever there is something "fun" but when it comes to rules and expections.....no....God forbid we hold them to the same standerd.
When I had my child the first thing out of MIL's mouth was "how will this affect SS?" adn she wasn't the only one. But if DH and I decided to have another child now I doubt anyone would say "Ow are you sure, how will that affect your daughter19mth?"
If all the children in a home are bios then you can have pictures on all different walls, no problem. But if one or more is a step suddenly its all a evil plot to exclude.
Lastly for the case of this blog is the idea that anyting fun must wait for the steps........Are the steps waiting to have fun? No they are with the BM doing there own thing. Holidays waited for steps make no sense to me, aren't they celebrating with ther other parent? There not waiting or missing out so why should the people who live in the house.
There our many more things but I have been thinking about this alot lately and just wanted to extrapulate it all out on here. I even talked to DH about it all and he said he had never looked at it like that. IDK.........jsut some musings.
- briarmommy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I completely agree... Being a
I completely agree... Being a bio and step it sucks... I have both living with me too! Why should I make the bio wait cause the step has other plans with her "extended" family having fun. It's just plain ass not fair. Why are the steps being treated with special treatment? Just not right....
I am and always will be the
I am and always will be the only advocate for my son in this little family.
He's from a separated set of parents too.But no one really considers that part of the equation because I was living apart from his father shortly after my son was born.
DH tries to make everything fair,he truly does try.But he slacks off and things go back to the way they were the minute SD expresses displeasure and wants to avoid seeing him.When steps are little,they don't really know how to play the game but boy do they learn FAST!
Bioparents always seem on guard watching the stepparent like a damn lion protecting its cubs from a bunny rabbit.It's ridiculous.Because for the most partthere are many GREAT stepparents who ARE the bunny rabbit getting eaten alive by this pack mentality of bioparent protective instincts.They treat us like predators and suddenly pictures on the wall become a battlefield of injustice toward their offspring.It's nuts.
I'm glad i don't understand it though because if I understood it,that means I would probably be just like them and I'd treat my son's stepmom the way so many others are treated...poorly.
I solved this problem long
I solved this problem long ago by informing my wife that we will do the things we want to to whether SS is with us or not. For many years we postponed trips, vacations, etc... because SS would be on visitation with the SpermClan.
Ultimately I realized that the only people suffereing were my wife and I. So we started doing what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. If we had plans that would occur when he was scheduled for SpermLand visitiation we gave him the choice to go with us or go on visitation. This was not exactly in compliance with the CO which stipulates that visitation (summer) visitation will start on a day determined by the SpermIdiot and end 5wks later but I got sick of postponing our lives so they could have the fun time with the Skid while we were always engaged with the time parenting, school stuff, etc, etc, etc......
If we were doing something that would conflict with BioDad's chosen visitation start date we just told him that SS would travel to him when we were done. Period. No discussion, no debate, no nothing. We also did not allow summer visitation to extend closer to a week before school started. The kid needed to be home in time to be well in to post SpermClan visitation detox and settling down before school stared.
When SpermGrandMa would complain that is was not fair to them or to SS and that he was missing out on SpermClan activities our response was "not my problem, adjust your plans".
SS is an only child in our home so we do not have the picture issue to deal with.
I think the way to go on this overall issue is to be pragmatic and remove the emotion from the equation. How will any kid react to a new sibling? Some relish in having a new younger sib, some are jelouse evil little shits, some fall somewhere in between and some will have every possible emotion about it. Deal with the kid behavior when it happens and don't worry about what the kid might could possible feel about a new sib.
As for equal treatment of Skids and BKs. No family treats every child exactly the same so why worry about it and why bother when it comes to Skids Vs BKs?
Make each child equally welcome in the home and give them the parenting they each need as indivisuals and as dictated by their behavior.
When a kid says "hey, they have more pictures on the wall than I do, he/she got an extra gift under the tree, etc...." take the opportunity to parent. "Well, life is not fair. Maybe next time you will get more gifts. Deal with it."
This is it, life isn't fair.
This is it, life isn't fair. I told my DH one time that if he wanted the same things for SS that our daughter has from me he should have chosen a differnt mother for SS. He of course reacted with I didn't plan to have a child with her, I didn't want a child with her. Well tough sh*t now you do and that woman is his mother not me.
I think I should teach a sex ed class in highschools, I would tell the kids that look at the person your having sex with would you want that person to be the mother/father of your child? Because as soon as you have sex(protection or no protection) your saying your ok with the fact that the person in your bed could be a parent to your child. I think if people looked at it that way maybe they would make different decisions.
Ahh...the eternal debate in
Ahh...the eternal debate in our home. I have taken down all photos in our common living areas because of the issues. I have now platered our bedroom with photos of SD 19mnths. DH still says I'm wrong but I counted and everytime I add another, I place another photo of SS's on his desk for him.
Holidays, vacations, weekend activities still make me feel ill everytime because I know we will be waiting on SS's to be done having a great time with their mother so that we can inculde them and God help me if we don't because BM with throw a fit when she finds out and it will all be my fault even if it's something like mommy and me with my toddler - "the boys would have really enjoyed that."
Holidays are my least favorite because when it's our turn to do them on a date that isn't the actually Holiday DH actually expects me to not celebrate with our little family because they aren't there and gets angery that while it's "Christmas" in our home today...it was actually last week for everyone else so YES, I have to go to work & NO, I don't really mind that I won't be here to watch the greed fest.
I thank God that DH isn't
I thank God that DH isn't like this, We celebrate holidays with or without SS.
The expectations of step kids
The expectations of step kids vs. bio kids are rediculous. I never understood why it is that it is expected that the steps get such better treatment. When in reality, they get more attention/praise/gifts/family time then most bio kids do. I can't wait until all of these entitled spoiled children grow up, that will be fun.
I TOTALLY agree... MIL had
I TOTALLY agree...
MIL had that talk with me after DS was born...Pissed me ALL the way off...I was like ummm...seriously?
And as far as fun stuff and holidays, I'm glad we don't wait for SD...If she's there, fine...If not, it's the fall out of the dynamic...I'd have a fit...HELL no!
You know, I had this exact
You know, I had this exact convo with SO early on. And so I don't worry about making everything "equal". I leave a lot up to my SO with skids. He decides rules for the most part. And as far as most gifts I leave up to him. I will get skids a gift. And I do special things to make them feel welcome. But as far as trying to worry about equal treatment. I didn't get to decide to bring these children into the world, I have my hands full with my own child. Skids have two capable parents. Whether they take on their responsibility the same as I do with my child is their business. Plus, my SO didn't mind letting christmas be with BMs as the skids have other siblings over there. As far as rules. Yes, my daughter is going to have to get over the fact that my rules and expectations are much different than skids have. But also, I dont care who looks badly at me, I will always treat her differently than them because she is mine.
I have went through this.
I have went through this. when SK's were younger and they would come visit, they would look at all the toys and clothes that BD had and make statments about she always has new things. DH quickly put a stop to this. He reminded them that BD has a mother and father in this househould and that at their house, their mom buys them things and they also recieve CS. Now that they are older, they've grasped this concept and don't come over looking for what BD's have gotten that is new.
I'm so glad my dh is not like
I'm so glad my dh is not like that! I have such a different personality that I just don't care about what others think and so glad my dh will set yuckopotmus straight when she screams about it not being fair. He always tells her that what he does while he doesn't have the boys is none of her business! He leaves it at that he never explains himself b/c he doesn't have too.
if more men would do this instead of letting his kids or bm making them feel guilty then life with their new wives would be so much better. More then likely there wouldn't be so many issues between the kids and the step mom.
My DH thank God isn't usually
My DH thank God isn't usually like this, its his family. When we first had our daughter he was upset because she was getting things, a baby book for ex., that SS never had. I also am doing a scrapbook every year for her until she turns 18 and he worried that SS would be upset he didn't have one. But once I explained that he had a mother to do these things and it wasn't me he chilled. He realizes now that SS will have things our daughter doesn't have just as she will have things he doesn't.