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New Boundary in Regards to BM

bren1981's picture

My FH has taken a lot of crap from BM. Last night I think it was at its worst - funny how she does that when he is out of town on work detail. So he says to me, I'm just not going to talk to you about her. We shouldn't talk about it.
1. I do feel that open communication will keep our relationship healthier - whether its about BM's *hit or not.
2. I want to feel as though my opinion, thoughts, and feelings matter, and if he isn't sharing, then he won't know.
3. I don't want him to feel like the whole weight of all of this is on his shoulders.

So my response was this:
If you decide to not talk to me when you are upset or bothered by something BM has said or done and I see it on your face, feel it in the air, or I ask you whats wrong and you don't share, then I am walking away - taking the dogs for a walk, going in a different room (we have 2 living rooms w/TVs), or going to soak in a bubble bath, but I am walking away from you. If you don't want to share and consider this OUR problem, only YOURS, then I won't be around until your mood doesn't affect my mood.

Is this a good boundary to set? I am a fixer - I want to make my FH feel better, and I want him to value my opinion -- and when he's preoccupied with her *hit, it definitely shows in everything he does.


Kb3Hooah's picture

I've learned that the less I know, the better our relationship is. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as curious and want to help as much as possible as the next person, but when I compare the times that I didn't know the crap BM was doing as opposed to knowing, there have been less fights and less insecurities.

I trust BF to handle things in the best interest of our relationship and in the best interest of the children. I'm learning how to not have the desire to check behind him to make sure.

It's hard, but necessary for me atleast. The less I know about her, the less she is a part of my life.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

soverysad's picture

If he wasn't telling you but it wasn't bothering him, I'd say he makes a good point. This is what dh is doing these days. He deals with BM and as long as nothing they talk about affects me or my time with dh, he doesn't give me the details. That is fine. BUT if his mood is affected, and it sounds like it is, YES this is a great boundary.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

bren1981's picture

I was reading a blog that everyone seems interested in, and as I read it I came across a SM who after 17 years had never met BM..I am thinking I'd like to try that! Maybe letting go is the biggest step for me - not trying to handle it for him makes me that much happier - we already have a happy & healthy, truly unique relationship. One I was sure could never exist. But it is here, and in my lap. But I think definitely, I am not going to ask about BM or have him tell me what BM had to say, or ever meet her. There is no reason for me to do so - I will still be my loving happy self to the skids, and we will still plan our future. I kind of have a feeling of relief now - making the decision to stay out of all of it is a weight off my shoulders.

Jsmom's picture

I think you have a good boundary here and so does he. I find the less I know about BM the better for us. He used to tell me everything and it was causing strife between us. Now he tells me less and it is better for all.

stepmom008's picture

Same here - although sometimes I get nuts & check his phone then have to go through the cycle all over again!

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Snowflake's picture

My hubby doesn't tell me things, because he knows I will get mad. Although some things do tickle me. Like when she wanted him to watch her kids for an extra day. He just told her no, that he had plans. His plans were to suprise me by wining and dining me and making sweet love to me all night. If she knew that she probably would have flipped her lid!!!

He said she was pissed, but he really didn't give a crap. We have a 24 hour rule... if I am not notified within 24 hours that his kids will be here, then the answer is no. Period, no no no! Now he understands that his first priority is making his current wife a happy camper, because he has to live with me, and the ex. Well if something just happens to benefit her then good for her, but we will be only doing ourselves favors from now on.

She knows we are going out of town, but I saw that she called him. I am so curious. Why the hell is she calling my husband in the middle of a week that he doesnt have his kids. Probably to bitch him out about something. My dh hasn't told me why... but I am guessing he hasn't even bothered to listen to her whiny little voice on his voicemail. He avoids all contact with her as humanely possible, he doesn't even like to listen to her voicemails anymore!
If she keeps it up, then she will be a full time mom. Because he will disengage completely, and then she will be left with having to tell her kids that their dad doesn't want to have anything to do with them, because of her actions.