I hate it when she's gone!
I just need advise on how to deal with my separation anxiety from my BD. Her father and I had a very bad break up/ relationship. he was very violent and abusive. I am so protective of BD because she was exposed to so much for the first part of her life and once I got away I just vowed he would never hurt her. So I was able to keep him on supervised visits for about 2 years (8 months of which he opted to just not visit her) that was fine by me. At least I knew she was safe. He's supposedly cleaned up his act. He completed probation and anger management, and substance abuse classes and whatever else he needed to, and about 4 months ago was able to get on regular standard visitation. Now his life has hit a downward spiral again... I know he's drinking, because my BD told me she went with him to "buy beer" I confronted him on it and he said he's not drinking around her...I have no proof he is and I don't want to quiz my BD that's too hard on her. He lost his job, his roommate moved out on him and he blames me for it all. I'm so afraid that he's going to get out of control with her there and there's going to be nothing I can do until it's too late. When she goes with him I just pace and stress and miss her so bad because I'm so worried. I'm a step mom too, and me and DH have his kids 1/2 the time, and I feel so insensitive, because I walk around concerned for my BD every other weekend, and he doesn't get his kids all of the time either. We got in an argument because he says he feels like I spend all the time I could be spending with him and our BD together, stressing out about a situation I can't do anything about. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make it easier. I love my DH very much and we have very little problems...but this is so hard for me to deal with.
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Definitely...
if you think your daughter is in danger and he has a history of violence and drinking....don't sit by and let the situation escalate. Call CPS if you have to. Your daughter's safety is first and foremost.
I have a friend who got a DUI and his ex-wife had it put in their court order that he is ABSOLUTELY not allowed to drink while his son is in his care. She got it approved, I would think you could do the same.
Remain Vigilant
How old is your BD? Is she old enough to pick up the phone and call you if something occurred? Maybe that's an obvious suggestion and one that you already have in place, but thought that "plan" would help relieve you of your worries.
You could then adopt the truism that "no news is good news"...and then learn to let go while she is away, knowing she'll call if anything happened.
You and she would have to list what those "anythings" would be, e.g., dad is drinking, dad is getting violent. All this depends on how old she is though.
Most people don't like the child to communicate with the permanent parent when at the visiting parent, but your circumstance may justify an exception to the rule.
This may offend the dad, but he needs to accept that being able to trust him was destroyed by his actions and while he's done some work to build it back up, it doesn't automatically mean that it can't be chipped away again by taking up past behavior, e.g., drinking.
I think it's important that he knows you remain vigilant towards him behaving appropriately with his daughter and in this case, he needs to acknowledge that drinking warps people's judgement.
You know Riley...
you always have the best suggestions.
Thanks. It's probably
Thanks. It's probably because I'm not actively stepping anymore and have the luxury of being objective about it at this point in my life. I know one can survive it.
Were I here years ago, I would be suggesting "wring his neck" or "wring her neck" or any other wringing that would have satisfied my state of mind back then.
I think her age has a lot to
I think her age has a lot to do with it how to handle it. Otherwise if she is not old enough to contact you when something is wrong I certainly can understand why you have grave concerns about her being with him.
I used to make myself sick
I used to make myself sick when the BF took my boys. I cried when they came home smelling of smoke and never bathed or looked after. I fought with him, I begged him not to take them, and I did whatever HE wanted to keep them safe. I got back together with him twice, feeling like it was the only way I could protect my kids. I was wrong. If your ex is anything like mine, controlling, out of control, abusive, a total ass etc he gets a kick out of all of it. I called the boys every night he had them.
I sucked it up and pretended I was happy he had them, I pretended I had plans (I never left the house, I sat by the phone waiting for a dreaded phone call) He stopped taking them, he only wanted to upset me and it worked. I know that this is my case and that this may be nothing like yours.
My ex never hurt the kids just used them to hurt me any way he could. Your new DH doesn't understand because he just doesn't understand what you survived and that you don't want your child to live any part of it ever...never again...
Thank you so much!
I just had to say, struggling, I can tell you know EXACTLY EXACTLY how I feel. That's exactly how he acts. Like he gets off on me being worried about her, like it thrills him to tell her horrible things (that make her sad) just because he knows I will get upset about it. She is only 5, so having her contact me, although it's a conversation we've had, I don't know if she would understand when, or how to tell her daddy she needed to, and I don't think she could do it on her own. Thank you for the understanding though, I think what's so great about this site is you can always find someone who understands.
She will get through it as
She will get through it as long as she has a strong loving mother to depend on. It is so important for her to know that you are there and will be no matter what she does, no matter what happens. My boys made it through some really tough times and I made a lot of mistakes but I know that they are 100% secure in the fact that I love them. I cannot control what their father does and how he hurts them, although I would love to wring his stupid neck...I will be thinking of you and if you ever need to talk send me a private email. Remember children are stronger than we give them credit for...