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Advice for a new SM with tough BM?

Lucyforshort's picture

I could use some advice,
I am new to the SM thing, my DH has 3 amazing kids that I get along with very well. Lately, the BM says they won't be spending any additional time with us because it's "for their own good". I don't know what that means! I think she is angry because I am able to contribute to their lives in a positive way- I am a nice and friendly person (unlike her- according to her own circle), well-educated with a very comfortable salary, positive relationships with friends and with DH (again, all things that she has been unable to achieve). So I feel like she is acting jealous and spiteful, but I am now worried that she is going to start turning these kids against me, that is actually what she told DH she was going to do. But why? What do I do? I have had conversations with her previously and am adamant that I am not trying to replace her or take anything away from her relationship with her kids. I am just a good person and I believe kids should be surrounded by positive energy. She has told DH that if the kids try to hug me that I need to push them away! Unbelievable, right? She said she is trying to protect them from me, but I don't know why she feels they need it! Now I am accused of trying to "buy their love" because I bought them a winter jacket! Anyway, I have been very good at staying out of his issues with her, but when do I get to speak up and defend myself? I don't want to make things more difficult for him by getting involved, but she is using her insecurity with me to keep the kids away from him. By the way, she loves to argue for the sake of arguing, so I also feel any effort I make with be for nothing, but do I try?

Lucyforshort's picture

Thank you, I appreciate that. Sounds like you really do know what I am going through, even down to the offer for coffee. Thanks for the helpful words, it is nice to hear an outside view.

sixteensmom's picture

The best thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore. You're in the exact situation I was. Secure relationship, good dealings with family and friends, your own income and mind. She's jealous and threatened that her kids may admire that. And they will. And she will turn them against you because it's what those victim bms do. Don't get me wrong... I have my own kids, they have a sm. When I first found out there was another woman in their life I was a little freaked out...insecure...would they love her, like her, think she was cooler than me? I asked a lot of questions about her under the guise of making sure my kids were safe. My brilliant kid, ds14 then, told me hey mom, she's fine. You're our only mom. We love you, will only love you. But she's a nice lady, dad likes her.

We've all been good friends since. We go to kid games, graduations, showers, weddings together. Everyone who knows us thinks we are just strange because we all getnalong so well. But dhs ex is different. She wouldn't let her kids like me, she wouldn't let them like their dad!! So then stories and lies started. Rather than call her out we let it go thinking the kids would see for themselves.

Well the kids are 21, 24 and 28 now. Plenty old enough to knownthe difference between good and bad behavior. They're scarred for life by her revenge attempts. And they're too embarrassed to ever admit it now. They've effectively pushed us out and created their own version of dead beat dad out of convenience for their kosher and lives. Not till all the cars were purchased for them, tuition paid for them, 3000mo child support and 1500/mo alimony. We paid all their bills, theynlived with us and treated us like dirt...

Ok I'm rambling and took over your post with my own woes, sorry!!

So, my advice is to ignore her. Love the kids, be ready for her insanity, pray she's more like me than most bms here! And don't let them rip your heart out because they will try!!

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I feel like you could have written this post myself, almost word for word. Sixteensmom, you are living my life but are a few years ahead of me. We need to talk!!! Smile

My advice to the OP would be different though. To avoid the PAS and all its sad consequences that can have very far-reaching effects, i would try to slowly and gradually normalize the relationship with the BM. Yes, she is threatened by you and not sure how to respond ( to her kids being loved by another woman... who she never signed up to raise kids with - i am speaking as a BM here). So it might take her some time to wrap her head around the whole situation. Be patient and flatter her, tell her how well she raised her children, for starters. Be strategic: it is very hard to hate those who love our kids. Here is a good website to look for other ideas: noonesthebitch.com. There is also a book called No One's The Bitch. It is possible that your SK's BM is a bitch... but may be not. There is also http://www.bonusfamilies.com/ - another step-mother/mother team.

Steptalk attracts people who are often at the end of their tether, and yes, step hell does exist, but it sounds like there is no need for you to plan for that yet. I would like to believe that we shape our outcomes to a large degree. Not a 100% but it makes sense to me to keep making low-key efforts aimed at a better, more positive relationship. I did it as a SM in my previous marriage. My husband and I would invite his ex-wife and her BF over, and be invited back. The kids were happy. I did it as a BM with my kids' SM - we are on decent terms. I have not been able to do it with my current DH's ex-wife who is exactly at sixteensmom described. She has a personality disorder. But if she is hateful, does not mean i need to be - although the temptation is great.

Lucyforshort's picture

Thank you both for the helpful comments. I don't know how to think like a BM thinks, so I appreciate the framework. I have told her how great of a BM she is, it is evident in her kids' behavior. She still despises me and thinks I'm ruining her life. BUT- I will not let that ruin my day. And I will let the parents work it out! Thanks.

sixteensmom's picture

Exactly on the same page. A lot os SMS here are also bms so we can see this from both sides. There are also SMS here who are sds themselves, I love the insight from them when it comes to aduktmskid drama... I need to hear it from someone like my situation!

Along the ins of what pilgrim is saying, I have also told my kids sm that I'm glad she's around, that I'm happy there are more adults to love my kids and that I'm glad she make s my xh happy. And they're nuts...head over heels all over facebook love of my life... What I always thought I wanted... Til I found dh and realized all I wanted is right there in him.

If more bms would just go het happy and let SMS help them parent the kids, the world would be a better place.... Kum bay ya.

oldone's picture

Don't pay too much attention to the poster that is a BM. She has a slanted view of things. (as do we all)

I understand totally what you mean about the BM being jealous just because you are in reality so different from her - and in a good way. I outdo BM in so many different areas - and it is just obvious to all. She hates me because of it. I am better than BM is just about everything. She is a decade younger than me so she can claim that I am old. Smile

I don't want BM to be jealous - I just want her to go away. I don't want to compete with her. I don't need to. Nor do you - but it doesn't sound to me like you are trying to.

Just continue to be your nice self and treat the children with the love you do have for them. Not sure of their ages but kids often spot a parent being horrible pretty quickly. She sounds like an ass and her children may never admit it (not do they need to) but unless they are really stupid or really young they know what she is doing is foul.

Lucyforshort's picture

Thanks for that, I am in the same boat as you- decade older than BM and she points that out every chance she gets, still not sure why. I absolutely don't want to compete, I just want peace and a positive living situation. I will keep my mouth shut, thanks for your advice! The kids are all under 10, but very smart!

sixteensmom's picture

Hey, I'm no more slanted than you are! Lol

Funny, I'm ten yrs younger than dhs ex and my kids sm is ten yrs younger than me. I look youngest though. And way cuter. Mil finds so much pleasure in asking us how dhs ex looks when we see her, then she cackles at the photos we show on facebook. Talk about bitches (us all, collectively)

notagain2012's picture

Everyone has had some great advice, but bottomline is, if there is a CO for visitation, your DH needs to put his foot down. She can't keep the kids from him because she doesn't like you.

You can take from the advice above in dealing with her, and your feelings, but DH can't just accept that he won't see the kids. If something specifically happened, or she was told something, I would actually try to look into it. Maybe one of the kids said something, and it was misconstrued, or a lie.

But if she is just crazy, and has decided this on her own, then you can't fix her. She's just nuts.

Lucyforshort's picture

Thanks for the advice! I will look into that book right away. She does have a pattern of jealousy and control, but I am the first woman who now has an official part in the kids lives. Hanging back is actually a little liberating for me, now I don't have to worry about what I need to do or say to help. (Not that I would guarantee help!) Thanks!

msg1986's picture

All you can really do is ignore it. Be nice to the kids and that's about it.

our bm is like that, She's told fdh that she's jealous that "another woman" is in her son's life but little does she know that I have no desire to be his mother... she's too crazy to realize this though.

Since fdh and I have gotten I have slightly disengaged. I am nice to fss and I care about him but I dont go out of my way for him if i don't have to anymore because well, he's not my son. He has a mom and he has a dad and they can figure it out.

Don't try to talk to her or anything like that as it probably will make it worse. like I said, be nice to the kids and let them know you're there for them because if bm is already acting like this there is no stopping her.

silentnites's picture

All of these are great posts, chalk full of good information. I cannot add much, only that I have been where you are and the best thing to do is ignore. Be the good sm you are and do not allow yourself to be caught in the drama. Never say "your mom don't want me to hug you". You hug them anyway if you feel, and eventually she will come around. What she is attempting to do is to hold the cards and be in control. She is never to control your own home, not ever. The skids will figure out their mothers faults on their own. And..if she is denying visits to a father who has the right to see his children, you use the court system. She cannot deny him that right, not legally. Once she realizes he is not playing games, this should help.

silentnites's picture

What does fdh mean? I am new to the site, learning the lingo, and I do not see this acronym on the list.

Purplemom's picture

As my papa says... Never match wits with an idiot- you will lose every time in the lowering of yourself.

Step wifey's picture

Ignore the BM, take care of the kids the best way you know how. The kids did nothing wrong, you are the grown up, be mature about it. You knew from the start that you will be a step mom. It's not easy, it's a thankless job. But you agreed to it.

DH will take care of her. You just need to tell him exactly how you feel. If he loves you, he will do right by you. He is lucky to have you caring for his kids. Not a lot of women will opt for this situation...it's not ideal, but here we are parenting kids we didn't give birth to.

What makes this step parenting business easier is our partners sticking by us and making it more tolerable. If they don't...you have a problem.