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Missing my mom

Beth1125's picture

I'm missing my mom today. Not for any particular reason just because she isn’t there anymore. My parents were married for 52 years. They never separated or anything. My mom never had to work outside the home. My dad provided for us all. We weren’t perfect but perfect enough. You would think growing up with parents that taught us good morals to be good to one another we would be able to adult better. My brother is the oldest and the most worthless. He is an alcoholic and still lives with my dad. My sister is the middle and has been married 6 times and has just moved back in the my dad. Then you have me the baby. I’m married to a pretty good guy. Yes I get so mad at him for things and I want to just leave sometimes and not come back. But then I pull up my big girl panties and move forward. I’ve moved forward without my sister and brother. I’ve basically disowned them. I see my dad once in a while. I will beat myself up for not seeing him more when he is gone but I guess I will deal with that when it happens. So even though you grow up with the seemingly perfect childhood that doesn’t mean you will have that as adults. I will however try to teach my BD and my 3 SS and my 2 BGD the same morals that I was taught and have my family traditions that I grew up with. 

Sorry for the long story just getting out what’s in my head today. Have a wonderful day!!

Comments

fairyo's picture

Beware the rose tinted glasses- I also miss my mum who died just over two years ago-she lived to a good old age. We cannot judge our parent's lives from a distance. Your family was perfect enough? There's no such thing as perfection in a family made up of human beings. You have an alcoholic brother and a sister who can't stay in a relationship- maybe they saw things in the family home that you didn't?

I have recently moved back nearer to my family after 40 years-when I listen to my siblings sometimes I wonder if we had the same parents?

However, I love everyone of them, they know, and my children and their children know it. I consider myself very lucky to have such a supportive family but boy do they have their faults. I hope that one of the things you don't teach your children is to abandon the people close to them as they get older- do you want your kids to support each other as they get older?

My mum thought the family would fall apart when she had gone but we haven't done- we will always be there for each other. That's how we honour what our parents taught us.

Beth1125's picture

My mom will be gone for 2 years also this year. No by no means was my family perfect. My dad was a high functioning alcoholic. My mom was a lazy house wife. But I love them dearly. I’ve learned from their mistakes. Yes I’ve made plenty of mistakes myself. I am hardest on myself. I just saw my dad yesterday. I try and do things for him. He said he needed a new hummingbird feeder so I made him 2. He gave them back to me yesterday. Said the hummingbird didn’t like it. He gave me back something else I have him over a year ago. Why I’m not sure. Every time I go there it seems my feelings get hurt. I don’t say anything. I just keep it inside. I live about 15 miles from my dad and he has never been to my house. He doesn’t call me unless to cancel plans we have made. Yes I will still visit but after so many years you would think it wouldn’t bother me. It does and I’m the type of person if it burns don’t touch it. 

As for my siblings I’m afraid that’s a lost cause. My brother as burnt so many bridges that I’ve tried to build there isn’t anymore wood to build anymore. I was close to my sister. We have had our ups and downs but this past November her and her daughter did something that I just can’t forgive right now. They are the ones that did it but somehow it’s my fault. So I just stay away cause my dad doesn’t like drama and quit frankly neither do I. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I still miss my mom, and it's been 11 years. I also mourn my family (I have siblings like yours).

Fairyo touched on an important point: each child in a family has a different childhood. I also think it can be difficult to see our Family of Origin clearly, because we are too close, KWIM? It's like watching tv with your nose pressed against the screen: you can distinguish bits and pieces, but can't see the whole picture. Taken separately, those pieces may represent one thing, but when assembled, the picture is something quite different.

I also believe that we need to be ready and have the maturity to see our FOO as it truly was and is. In my twenties, I'd have said I'd had a great childhood. Life was busy, and I didn't have time to think about it. By my thirties though, I'd reconsidered. I'd made mistakes in life, and was able to link them to my upbringing. Now in my fifties, I have even more clarity as to just how dysfunctional my childhood was. Thank God for therapy.

Your father doesn't sound like a wonderful man at all, Beth. He sounds like a mean drunk who chooses to align with the sick kids while abusing the one who got away. You have every right to feel hurt, as well as anger and disappointment in him. His addiction has likely impacted you in ways you're only just beginning to understand. I'm married to the son of a falling down alcoholic mother, and can tell you that his scars may not be visible, but they're many and quite deep. Like you and me, he's the one who got away.

Time with a good therapist is the most loving  gift you could possibly give to yourself. It helped me so much! Also, read everything you can on children of alcoholics. Do it for yourself, and for your kids. There's  genetic predisposition to be considered, so the more work you do on yourself the more tools you'll have to break the cycle.

Beth1125's picture

Yes I agree. I don’t drink every often. I’m scared to death of addition knowing it runs in my family. But I have decided just today to just stay away. I’ll call from time to time but as someone put it to me. Put in has much as they put in for you. I love my dad but I’m not going to put myself through it anymore. I have 2 beautiful granddaughters that I will put my love and affection towards. It was always just my daughter and myself. Now that I’m married I have my husband too. Life is good as long as I stay away from toxic people. 

fairyo's picture

Beth I understand your feelings now you have revealed a little more about your troubled childhood. I admire you for having risen beyond it and learned invaluable lessons about self protection.

My first husband was a deeply troubled man with various mental health problems- my daughter tries her best but is frequently sent troublesome messages from him- he told her he couldn't make a speech at her wedding so she asked me to do it instead. Her dad makes some effort, but he has never been a proper father and I feel for her but also admire her persistence. I am sure that deep inside he appreciates that contact with her and her children. She has also been let down a lot by her brother, who takes after his dad in many ways. So they really have very little contact with each other.

I feel you are very wise to protect yourself first, sometimes there are no answers and it is the only thing you can do. Take care.

Beth1125's picture

Thank you for your kind words. I have a lot of guilt but I’m not sure why. I guess this blog is helping me work through my issues.