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Had the talk with SS

Beth1125's picture

I broke down and talked to my SS. I told him how upset I have been about not being invited to his awards dinner. I told him I felt like I was lied to and that I wished he would’ve talked to me about it instead of not saying anything to me. He told me he wanted me to be there but it was his BM. I told him I know he is in the middle and I’m sorry for that I just wish his BM would be civil for his sake. It’s been 6 freaking years you would think she would have moved on and not be so bitter. Anyway I told him I was so proud of him and that I loved him. Now hopefully I can move on and put this behind me!!



Siemprematahari's picture

Glad you got that off your chest Beth. It's sad that these BM can't put their petty issues to the side and not let go of the past. The children always fall victim to this and placed in the middle. I hope one day she can let this go, and possibly this can allow your SS to have a better relationship with you.


Harry's picture

BM doesn’t want you at awards dinner BUT wants you to pay for a party with her.  ER, Er. NO

do your own party with out BM 

ESMOD's picture

This is a very sad reality for many COD's.  Their parents can't put aside their petty feelings to see how their actions really in the end hurt their kids.  His mom absolutely should not have put him in that situation.  But... in the end, when faced with her ultimatum he feels he has to do what she wants... I mean she IS his mother.  It might be nice to fantasize about kids telling their mom's to "f off" that SM or SD has been THERE for them and they won't exclude them etc.. but in reality it's something that would be very difficult for them and they probably aren't really able to stand up to their parent like that.  I mean, think about people in our lives that we should probably tell off... but we can't or won't because we are afraid of the fallout or aren't willing to risk losing the relationship.

Again... with the party.  Of course it's your right to participate or not.. to do a joint party or not... you can take out your anger and hurt at BM.. but in the end going scorched earth and refusing to help with the party or to do one separate is only going to hurt the kid in the end.  Now... you can also expect her to put on her best MOTY show and for you to not be thanked or acknowledged for all you will probably do.  It will suck and hopefully the boy will be able to express to you that he is thankful for your help... even if other people aren't.

It sounds like you do have a good relationship with him... Personally, I'm in a similar spot with my Skids.  We have a good relationship.. but only recently have they as adults been comfortable with the fact that they CAN let their mother know that I am also important to them.  Yes she is their mother and all that entails and in the end they would save her from the volcano vs me.  But, as it stands, they do appreciate what I have done for them.  It's not a short game.  You won't necessarily get the instant gratification but over time and as they get older and more secure in themselves.. you may find they are able to express their feelings to you in a better way.


Beth1125's picture

Yes I’m going to help with our own graduation party for my SS. The mother is way to toxic to come to our house. She is an alcoholic and I don’t drink so she already calls me saint Beth. She has called me way worse. But the BM will have her own party. It will be all good in the end. I’m glad I talked to my SS. He knows I will always be here for him and that I love him as my own. 

notsobad's picture

I’m glad you talked to him. Maybe this will open up the lines of communication between you two. 

Hopefully he’ll understand that he can come talk to you and that you’ll understand when he feels he has to appease his BM. I’m not saying that he always gets to dump you for her but maybe talking about it will make him realize how his decisions affect you. 

Talking openly and honestly has avoided a ton of problems between me and the skids. They’ve learned that BM isn’t alway right and that somethings are not at all how she perceives them. If they couldn’t or wouldn’t come to me, they’d always believe BM and would agree with her. As it is now, they look at both sides and decide for themselves. Open communication allows for that.