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Communication with Ex

beeglet's picture

I actually did write her once. My STBH sent her a brief note asking her to sign off one of two cars that still has her name on it. He is divorced but unfortunately that wasn't placed in the divorce. She has a vehicle (impounded right now) in her name when she gets out of prison. He asked that she sign off because he was getting another veichle. She sent a letter back demanding that he ALLOW her son to write to her (we've never not allowed him to write) with a consistent pattern established and that he bring their son to see her at the prison. She would prefer it be my STBH but if not her father, sister, or mother could. She wouldn't sign until then.

So....I sent her a letter (my STBH saw the letter and was okay with it). It was nice, really it was. However, I was honest with her and told her that we have never stopped her son from writing and that if he wanted to, I, myself would sit down with him and help him write. He doesn't want to. I also said that my STBH would in no way, shape or form bring their son to a prison unless forced by the court to do so. Our counselor said he's not ready for that. This poor little guy has made up stories of how great his BM is when in reality she never did anything with him. Her life revolved around the computer...need I say more. I also pretty much said that if she signed the paper and was willing to acknowledge my presence in her son's life, I, myself would communicate with her on a regular basis letting her know how her son was and send pictures of special events in his life. She called her daddy. Daddy called my STBH saying that I had no right to communicate with her demanding such things and that he would go to court for visitation rights if I thought I could keep his grandson from him. Well, of course, we know where that went. NO WHERE. Why? They don't give two hoots for the boy. The aunts, uncles, and grandparents have been allowed to see or talk to my soon to be SS any time they want. It is rare when they want to see him. Twice a year if that!!!! So, the car still has her name on it. My STBH got the truck he wanted anyway, and I drive the car that has her name on it. Oh well. Sad thing is. I, as a mother, would have kept her informed on how her son is doing (with my STBH's support, of course) but she didn't want anything to do with that. The *&)%#^* wants one thing....my STBH. That's not happening.

I did talk to STBH about the picture thing and writing a letter together stating "we" and everything I saw STBH has agreed to. We may give that a try.

Comments

Sebbie's picture

NCP should have rights too! Sweetie, it is unfortuate that you are in the position you are in, too many of us are in the same position.The positive aspect is that you STBH has custody of his child and you have the ability to show continuious love and support to them both.My husband is the NCP and the BM uses his child as a weapon to get my husband to do as she demands( never mind what the court ordered divorce decree states) My husband and I have been together for 3 years now, married 2 years, and BM still refuses to acknowledge my existance. BM has dictated that in order for my husband to get his child for visitation( when she deems he can have visitation, which is rare to say the least)he must arrive at p.u and d.o alone!!We have to drive 4 hours one way to get my husbands child and then I have to get out of the car at a fast food or convient store while he picks his child up..bm has refused mail that has been sent to her if my handwriting is on the outside of the envelope,and at one time my husband and bm tried communicating about their child by e-mail...At the time my husband was doing sales and was travleing to different cities everday of the week, leaving him little time to send e-mails or respond to bm's e-mails...so while hubby talked to me on the phone he would tell me what to type in response to bm. Because hubby makes few grammatical errors, and I make my share of them, she new I had TYPED his e-mails and agian refused to respond because in her words " She has no rights to be in OUR business" speaking of me.Sorry to say this, but we finally had to refuse all communications with bm in order to take back control. If she sent us mail, we sent it back with husbands name crossed out and Mr and Mrs.Graham in its place. When husband called to speak to his child and bm attempted to get online and talk to him, he immediately hung up the phone. Husband had me leave voice message on phone,and he deleated his online account, but was happy to give her my address, stating she could contact him if there was an emergency with his child, there as well, however, she would be doing so knowing I would be the one responding for him.It did take bm by storm and bm retaliated by refusing visitation and phone calls to my ss. We are currently in the process of taking her back to court to let the judge correct the interference in visitation and communication that my husband has legal rights to have. Though we regret that we have not had communication with ss, we know that in the long run this had to be done. Our home is so much more peaceful without bm's constant interference, and we have documented everything she has done in her retailiation. BM may never accept me as the new wife and smother, but she without a doubt knows the important place I take in my husbands life and will soon find out the importance of my ss place in the lives and family my husband and I have built together. Good luck, but please remember to put each other first, our children grow up and find their own lives. If we send them out into the world knowing we love them, then we have done our jobs.

beeglet's picture

The thought that I'm going to have to go through what you go through when she gets out of prison is terrifying. She is manipulative and self-centered. My STBH says she will probably want to see my SS for a while when she gets out but then will want to live her own life...partying, etc.

I do put my STBH first. We are all in family counseling and I, believe it or not, am learning how to love my ss inspite of his negative behavior towards me. We are making great strides in building a relationship together. He's been quite difficult. My STBH has been very supportive and the two of us are learning how to be a united front, a team so to speak and on the same page where everything is concerned. SS needs that stability in his life. I'm afraid that when BM gets out, she's going to trash all of that. I just hope during this time period we'll be able to instill enough of our values in him that it works out in the end. I already have two grown sons. Not patting myself on the back or anything, but I know that I did a wonderful job raising them to be good human beings. I want my ss to turn out the same way...in his own way.

Anne 8102's picture

No child should ever have to visit their parent in prison. Period. And no car is worth making them do it.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

beeglet's picture

I agree that no car is worth making my ss see his mother in prison. As I stated in my first communication, my STBH would never allow that to happen unless ordered by the court to do so. I know he would do whatever he could to appeal that and keep it in the court system as long as he possibly could. I support that wholeheartedly as does our counselor. In my letter to the BM I told her that no car was worth making her son do something that he didn't want to do or that was detrimental to him and that the car in question could sit and rot for all I cared. I did, however, offer to keep her informed on how her son was doing and send pictures, etc. NOT make my ss do that or see her.

I have always been willing to communicate with the BM and let her know how her son is. I've tried to put myself in her shoes. The thought of being without my sons, especially at that age, is incomprehensible to me. My sanity would definitely be in question. I would write them every single day about every single thought or feeling that I was having. To me, that would be the only way I could survive. She and I are two very different women. She writes maybe once a month, twice if my ss is lucky. And then she writes that she played cards...already wrote her mom and dad a letter...is taking classes...how are you doing...I'm working out again...be good for your daddy...I know I hurt you and hope one day you can forgive me...can you read your letters by yourself or do you still need help. My ss is in 1st grade!!! Of course, he can't read the letters without help. Sorry, I got to rambling there.

I think I am going to sit down and write her with my STBH beside me. We will make sure she knows we are a team and that she will have to communicate with me. I know she is his BM and that she has rights. Those rights, however, will be secondary to the physical and emotional welfare of my ss.

Steve's picture

from the title, He might have to take a copy of the Div. Dec. and Proof that She is incarcerated. You'll have to call and ask for a Supervisor, to see what You'll need, but They should be able to look it up easily enough, if They don't know off hand.

Steve

beeglet's picture

Thank you Steve. I will let my STBH know that. He has already gotten the truck he wanted so it's a non-issue at this point. However, one never knows when it will become an issue again. I appreciate your reply and will look into that.