New-ish to this, need advice/ to rant!
About 1.5 years ago I became Stepmom to SD6. I met her when she was 4. Recently, I'm noticing that there might be something off with her, emotionally:
I've always wanted children and so I was excited to have a SD. Although I'm careful about not crossing boundaries bc I know she already has BM. From the beginning, SD and I got along very well and she would even ask her dad if they could visit my house (before we got married and moved in together) more often.To me, she seemed like a sweet and polite kiddo with a slight coldness to her. I assumed this was because she didn't know me well so there was a wall up. I work with kids so I'm used to this and then slowly, when kids warm up to you and trust you, they develop that affection and connection. However, though I've tried to connect with her since meeting, I've never felt us growing closer. More comfortable, yes but no emotional attachment.
I spend a lot of the day with her: drop off, pick up, make her snacks and meals, help with hw, give her baths, read her stories, do crafts and play board games. I obviously have love for her but I feel closer to all of the children I work with than I do to her, which makes me so sad. At first I was like, "I get it, she might resent me bc I'm SM" but then my mom voiced my same concerns. She told me that she was concerned about SD's lack of emotional connection to people. She told me something that I also experienced: SD only seems to be motivated to show affection or interest in a person when she knows she can gain something from the interaction. For example, one day/week she stays with grandma (DH mom) for a couple hrs while we are at work. This last week, I got off early and was able to keep her. She was very upset about not being able to see grandma so I talked to DH and suggested we take his mom out to dinner so SD could see her. When I told SD this, she seemed happy. When we get to grandma's, SD does not even acknowledge her and DH has to tell her to say hi (she wasn't on any tablet or anything since we limit screen time). Throughout dinner, SD did not so much as glance over at grandma, no hugs, no talking, nothing. This really confused me and on the way home SD was saying how she loves when we eat out. Later, I began to think about how at grandma's house she gets to use her tablet at all times and grandma gives her treats. So in my mind, she misses what she gets to do there, not grandma and she was probably happy because we dont usually eat out and this was exciting to her. This is a common pattern I've noticed. She loves spending time with her Aunt but always asks what she's going to get (aunt takes her to Claire's and stuff like that).
The thing that broke me the other day was that she behaved badly (screaming tantrum- which is rare for her) and so I took away her TV and Tablet time for the week (DH has that consequence in place). She cried for a while in her room, then came out and said, "Don't tell my dad." I told her that I was going to have to tell her dad but that her and I had already talked and she had a consequence so her dad wasn't going to get her in trouble again. And honestly he's a little lenient with her too. Well, a little while later, as I was folding laundry she sits on the bed and start talking in a baby voice and saying "Mommy?...Mommy?..." This hurt me because it felt like she was trying to manipulate me. She calls me by my first name usually, never mommy. She also started hugging me repeatedly, which is not usually a thing. This made me feel really upset. I expressed this to DH and he seems to think this is normal 6yo behavior and that she's just a young smart child.
Am I overreacting? Is this normal for a 6yo? What should I do?
- bee45's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Kids from screwed-up
Kids from screwed-up situations are more likely to become manipulative and develop personality disorders. I don't know what life is like at BM's, or if your SO and/or BM are parenting out of guilt or out of competition for who can be the most-favored parent. Both of those parenting styles (guilt and competition) can help create unpleasant little manipulative shites. At 6, this kid is doing what she's trained to do. Also, having a skid and having biokids are not even nearly the same. In today's child-centric, shared custody situations, a stepparent has hardly any chance to be much of a parent unless their spouse is both a good parent and backs up their spouse.
That would make sense. DH is
That would make sense. DH is a very involved parent but I think he does feel guilty about putting her through a separation and makes excuses for some of her behaviors. Glad you said that having skids and biokids is very different because this experience is making me reconsider whether I want more children.
With a bio-kid, you get to
With a bio-kid, you get to raise them with your values. (For example - i did not tolerate tantrums in my own kids much past toddler age. I was appalled that some "kids" have learned to continue them into late childhood and in some cases into adulthood to get what they want.) You are secure in knowing that they are yours. With a skid, there is (always? sometimes? usually?) another bioparent who is actively working against you. There is a pre-existing situation of dysfunction that is often deeply i grained. Even if you go years as a "parent" figure, everything you do can be undone. This isn't always the case, but it is highly represented on this site. You found this site for a reason. You were probably hurt and confused, and Googled some of what's going on. It led you here because there is dysfunction in your situation. A stepparent, especially a stepmom, is at a huge disadvantage due to child-centric and mother-centric beliefs in our society. I had biokids before being in a stepparent role. I thought since i had so much experience with my own kids and working with kids in my job, i'll be great at this! I can be like frigging Maria Von Trapp and make such a difference! Lol. I had no idea.
Be careful putting too
Mush effect into SD. These things don't end well for the SM. BM is blood will always get the glory. When thing go bad ""you are not her mother "". You will be emotionally hurt
Reply
Yeah... I gotta watch out and not set myself up for that. Thanks for your reply!
Could it be RAD?
Some of the things you said in your post reminded me of Tina Golik's story.
Nothing made sense UNTIL I learned about R.A.D. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and found Tina Golik’s Youtube channel called Life as a RAD Mom. Tina married a man who had a daughter and became a stepmother – then her life was turned upside down by her DH’s daughter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7iN92rzsvg
I believe children with attachment disorders are narcissists. People with narcissistic personality disorder don't form bonds with others, so they don't become emotionally attached. Their lack of empathy makes it easy for them to devalue and/or discard people and quickly move on to new relationships as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyBBPs5Qeow
Since learning about RAD, I have a theory that the dysfunctional COD could be suffering from a mild form of RAD.
I treat my skids as RAD children and we get along great. YSD is just my roommate. When I think in those terms - it helps me to move on and don't to take things personal.
If you think about it, skids do have a form of RAD because they have loyalty binds to their egg donors making it almost impossible for them to bond with a stepmother. The more a SM does for a skid who doesn't have an attachment to her - the more that kid will manipulate and exploit. People with RAD can be psychopaths. If your DH (the bio-parent) is not stepping up and parenting its setting you up for failure and a lot of hurt. You CAN'T care more than the bio-parents. If you do - you will get burned! I've been there - done that!
Check this site for more veteran stepmother wisdom.
Thank you!
Your comment is SO helpful. For weeks I've been trying to find something that might give me a place to start with understanding SD and I think you did just that! Many of the things Tina Golik was saying sounded exactly like SD (constant proof of devotion, for example). I need to reconsider my approach to our relationship. Thank you so, so much!
Wow
You do A LOT for sd, why? Does your husband do any of the parenting "work". How did he function before you were married/living together?
I think part of the problem with CODs is their parents don't actually PARENT after a divorce/split with the other parent. Sounds like this might be happening in your situation.
Reply
Hello! I honestly can't tell you why. I love her dad? I was excited to be a "mom"? Both? All I can say is that now I know that I need to take a step back.
One of the things I really liked about DH was because of how loving and involved he was with SD before we got married and at the beginning of our marriage. I know that he was the main parent since she was born and BM never took a real interest in caring for her unless it was something fun like trick or treating or ballet recitals. About 6 months ago, DH had a decline in his health, not life threatening but his body gets easily tired. He is still a great partner and we each do 50% of house work and cooking. But DH is a vacuum of attention and energy, so on the days we have her, I tend to offer to do hw help, packing her lunch and DH lunch and so forth. So these past 6months it's definitely more me than him doing day to day parenting. I expressed to him that I love him but I feel that lately he's not even offering to help when I need him to redirect her (she keeps coming up to me when I tell her I'm busy and he's just reading or relaxing). He apologized but we need to talk about what's going to happen going forward.
Sorry for the long reply. I'm grateful for your insight as thi step parent thing is something very new to me.
Nobody knows what to do when
Nobody knows what to do when you become a step parent - but plenty of people try to tell you what you should be doing (in laws, friends that likely have never been a step, therapists - that have also never been a step, etc.).
One thing I have noticed (and experienced!) is a lot of single dad's pretty much toss thr reigns to a stepmom... i guess because FEMALE. Like you are just expected to "mom" and now they can "relax".
But honestly, you married your husband because you loved him, not because you desperately wanted to be mom to his kid. You are not obligated to be insta-mom because you married someone with a child. HE is the parent.
From being a SM to a 3 yo SD
From being a SM to a 3 yo SD to now a almost 9 yo SD.. just be careful. I started off like this with SD had a great relationship with her (she tried to do all the things too 'mummy', cuddles, ect) and now she and I have this superficial relationship. She is smart enough to follow our house rules and be respectful to me as it makes her life easier and I have backed off parenting and engaging in her life responsibilities (school, sports, ect and get DH to parent it).
I have a DD and the relationship is completely different as you have full control on how you raise and care for them. My advice is get DH to do 100% of the parenting for SD and if you see the flags, voice your concerns (hopefully DH isn't wearing rose coloured goggles) and remember do not care more than the bio parent. It took me years to master that. I would point out something to DH (SD wearing jewellery she isn't allowed to wear to school) and if he didn't follow up on it, I had to learn to step back, not comment and continue on with my business and not engage. I figured eventually she will either lose it (which happened) or teachers will tell her off.