DONE.... about to walk out on this crazy tomorrow!
So I posted once on here, deleted it because I felt I could handle it... well I'm back because obviously I cant handle it. Im so done! With the mini wife, Disney dad, guilt parenting, kid centric marriage, being the last priority.... DONE DONE DONE!
The first thing I do every morning is read steptalk new posts. Everyday! I appreciate all the info and clarity this site has given me. Its truly been my saving grace, however, things have reached epic proportions of dysfunction and I HAVE to vent before I self destruct! I value ALL your opinions and I secretly hope somebody can see things from a point of view I am not seeing.
First off, I'm so furious I can barely type! But here is the gist of the back story... it might be very long. DH has full custody of of 2 SDs, one 14 one 17. The younger excels in everything with little effort. Straight A student, plays all sports, popular amongst peers, an absolute delight to be around. She does everything right and gets zero credit or acknowledgement because SD17 takes all the air out of the room. Oldest has zero ambition in life, DH expects nothing therefore he gets nothing! And he seems fine with that. I have just come to the realization that she has no desire to do anything for herself in life, ever. And DH seems totally fine with this. I am definitely NOT!
By the way way, I have grown children, all doing well in life and taking care of their own stuff, but what do I know about parenting... oh, and BM is a total flake.
May or may not even return a phone call from either of her daughters when they call her. No support payments, no christmas gifts, no following a visitation schedule. Nothing, no expectations, kids are constantly let down and emotionally destroyed... but DH does and says nothing, all is fine!.
Side note, BM also has 2 other kids none of which are my DH. One child previous to their marriage, DH ex step child, ok, I kinda get that. But BM has another child that she had with another man many years after the divorce with DH. That other child was actually living in my DH home and he was 100% supporting her when we got together 5 years ago. Once I realized what was going on I quickly put my foot down and drew a line in the sand. Umm no, he has 2 bio kids, not 4, and I wasn't having it any other way. I clarified all this before we got married. Im pretty sure he understands but his family clearly doesn't.
They continue to treat those other 2 kids like they are present in our lives. Dropping Christmas gifts for them at MY marital home, yet failing to acknowledge I actually have kids that should have some minimal standing above the ex step child or especially the latter child born a decade after the 1st families divorce. Is it just me or is that the absolute disrespect and slap in the face there is. As I said my kids are grown adults, I'm not expecting gifts for them. It's the fact these people continue year after year to drop off gifts to these illegitimate "children" to MY house while they really don't recognize ME or MY KIDS as existing.
My thought is that if they want to maintain those relationships that's totally fine. Call up BM and go to HER Christmas party and deliver those gifts to HER children. It really has nothing to do with me and I feel its absolutely disrespectful to me, my kids, my DH. Maybe they all forgot DH was divorced from that nightmare over a decade ago. But he is far from having no fault. What the hell was he doing raising and supporting ex wifes child that she had at least 7 years after their divorce. Wow, I never knew you could go back on exes like that and they would raise your current children while you whore around and have more kids... does that even happen in real life... it does in mine! Its crazy!.
DH thinks his oldest deserves every amount of his attention. No matter my needs, no matter the excelling daughters needs, my kids arent even on the list of priorities.... SD17 IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I'm so sick of it that I've lost about all respect for DH at this point. I shock myself even writing this because he WAS my everything just a few years ago when we got married. . Now, well the whole situation makes me sick!
I had a good relationship with his bio kids up until the literal moment we got married. Within a week his oldest daughter just lost her mind and has been deteriorating ever since. It goes from bad to worse. She has made my life a living hell when it should have been the happiest time in my life. I was and am still very resentful and while I'm being honest with myself, I dont think ill ever be able to rise above that.
Of course, I questioned if us getting married sparked all this because I never saw any of these signs until after. DH kept assuring me she just had "issues*. It didn't take me long to see the "issues" were that she was a mini wife and her and DH had an alarming co- dependency on each other... Disney dad, guilt parenting, plain out bad parenting. Its so far past disturbing that I cant even put into words right now.
I actually think I might write a book in detail about my experience because it is so outragous! I already know what I need to do. I cant fix this mess. I am and have been in therapy to deal with all this. My therapist had me identify the "line in the sand" and what the absolute end point i would tolerate... well we just hit tonight!
I heard thru eaves dropping that hes going to let 17 year old quit school, its just too hard I guess. As usual, expects nothing from her. So its totally fine she can lay around doing absolutely nothing all day, every day, have no goals, no expectations. And he or we just give up all our goals so she can lay around, be supported, and never launch... I say HELL NO!
Any thoughts, comments, words of wisdom is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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My DH's daughter - now aged
My DH's daughter - now aged 28, sounds very similar to SD17. I have known her since she was 7, and she has had "issues" since her early teens. She always seemed to be the main focus of his life, rather than his younger daughter or me. Fortunately SD28 has never lived with us full time - I think if she had I wouldn't still be here. SD27 now adults quite effectively - (although had her challenging years too) pays her own mortgage and has a well paid full time job . SD28, nearly 29, works only part time because she is trying to get acting work - trouble is she isn't very good! She also has a mortgage (DH paid the deposits for both daughters), but her boyfriend pays most of it! She is entitled, aggressive, greedy and lazy, and everything is someone else's fault, not hers. I have also come to the conclusion she has Borderline Personality Disorder - which is sounds like your SD17 may also have. I came across a very good book on this - "When your daughter has BPD" by Daniel S Lobel. Like you, I have 2 older children who have been living their own lives for years and rarely cause us the kind of stress that DH's daughters do.
Anyhow, I hope you enjoy your freedom in your new life without the constant stress of your partner prioritising his elder daughter and being co-dependent with her!
My SS19 is also looking into
My SS19 is also looking into acting... he's taken a couple of classes - literally- in community college and now thinks that he can go audition already for a role, and BP does not even blink, only encourages the baby... 2 years out of HS and lots of lost jobs, weed (who knows what else...), many community college classes dropped, endless career choices and never lands on one that is good - he's said he is going to be police, military, photogrpaher, journalist, MMA fighter, screenwriter, security guard... club bouncer is his current job and proud if it - thinks he's on top of the world and superior than everybody because he is a bouncer... SMH. But BP thinks it's all good that SS is on the right path... These Disney Parents are something else. It's very hard to reason with them. Any oposing opinion and they think you are defying them, their parenting skills and badmouthing their kids. It's not easy to be an SP - and yet we stay and stay and stay even if we are told a million times that the little monsters are ALWAYS TOP PRIORITY no matter what! What I've been working on is hard-core disengagement; it works like 80% of the time for me - it feels peaceful. When BP asks something like an opinion or something about SS, i just plain say in a teenage affected voice "Uhh, I don't know...". It's worked wonders. Also I do try to keep the peace at home, so I just turn an eye to some very minor stuff; but I don't let everything slide though. It's just a hard dynamic living with kids that are not your bio kids and you don't have any authority to reprimand or to call them out on stuff...
Your DH sounds like one of
Your DH sounds like one of the most codependent, enmeshed, enabling guys i've heard of. Raising kids by babydaddies from both before and after his relationship with BM? I know you don't mention her much but how enmeshed do you have to be to raise a kid your BM had *7* years after you broke up? There is no "normal" relationship with this guy because he wins the award for fewest boundaries. I bet he loves to feel like a hero. To everyone else, anyway. Leave them to their mess. Your DH thinks he is rescuing all these kids but he's no different from an animal hoarder. SD17 is proof that his actual parenting is crap.
I call people like the OP's
I call people like the OP's DH "collectors." They collect people to be responsible for out of some need to belong.
My best friend (now deceased) dated a woman who was a collector. She called the children of a previous partner her children and acted like a mother except those kids were using her financially, but she thrived on the "belonging" and attention. How I knew she was dysfunctional was that her relationship with my best friend suffered because "my kids" often came before the relationship, AND this woman also chose my friend's own family over my friend in a few instances. AND, when my friend passed away, this woman showed up to the funeral trying to "collect" more people. She needed to be relevant so badly that it put my friend's new partner (and the love of my friend's life) on edge.
I don't know what drives people who need to collect "family" on a dysfunctional level. They never have any REAL connection. It's just a collection of superficial connections that appear like family.
This is absolute insanity.
Everything you feel is SO justified. This is one of the most codependent and ridiculous cases I think I have read on here. It certainly would affect one's ability to see their husband as a "man" and have any respect for him when he clearly rolls over and cannot say no to teenage girls or even his ex wife.
Wow!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and I understand how these cases intensify as years go on and how much that weighs on the partner (you!)
I think you know what the right thing to do here is.
Make a exit plan
He more worried about his ex and kids what he has nothing ti do with then his SK. You don't need him , yiubare getting nothing anyway
Mini Wives and Disney Dads
Their relationship is such that there is no room for you, anywhere, much less your bios. I think you are on the right path - reading stories here and therapy, that all helps. And you have hit your "line", your wall. Time to get your ducks in a row for what you you need to do next.
Time to lay out a plan of action and get thee to a lawyer! Find out the details of where things are financially (he sounds like SD is his wife and you are mistress!) so there might be some abuses there. Cut off the in laws (Im assuming thats what you mean about gifts dropped off for your husbands "other kids'). You can refer them to BM if they try to invade your home with the gifts. Cut them off too.
Meanwhile disengage from SD17 completely. Do absolutely zero for her. Do ONLY for you. Confront your husband about what you heard. Then ask what the plans are for her to get a job? Present chore list. Make it clear your not going to support her if she quits school. That she is expected to contribute.
Start squirelling money away. Stop paying any bills or twoards mortgage until you find out from your lawyer (that you visit TODAY) whats best. Hopefully your finances are already separate.
If you stay, at least you have information and knowledge, and arent "stuck".
Keep us posted, and take care of you.
Thanks for your thoughts.
You guys are a very perceptive group of people. I was kind of shocked by some comments. That you summed it up easily with the lack of detail and examples of behavior. The details and examples of bad behavior are horrific. Maybe I'll save those for my book. They will make it a best seller haha.... or unmarketable*sad*
The lady that mentioned BPD, I think you are 100% correct. I said the same diagnosis 2 years ago and I'm guessing ill be proven right once she turns 18. Its rare they label children with that but she's about to be an adult so I see changes coming. We are dealing with several mental diagnosis here. BPD is the only one missing and I feel it encompasses all the others. Last I checked the DSM5 there had to be 3 identifiers met to receive the diagnosis. She had the entire list minus 2 or 3.
I understand that mental deficits and bratty behavior are entirely separate topics. But they still have to work together. If the mental deficit creates an undesired or abnormal behavior, then you work to correct the behavior, right? You can't just dismiss it by saying "well she has some mental problems". Mental problems or not, there are expected behaviors and societal norms that people have to adhere to. Thats not happening here.
Someone mentioned chore lists. Oh, do I wish. I could get creative and keep her busy every single day of the rest of her life. Or at least the rest of her time she's living in my home. Thats where my anxiety starts to flare. I feel like the rest of her life and the time left living in my home are the same thing! I just cant do that! I will NOT do that!
We have a whole team of professionals "helping" her. She gets sent to facilities quite regularly to be stabilized... or re-stabilized in her case. Its just a viscous cycle.
My husband is in complete denial and that is one main reason why her care plans don't work. She bulldozes right over him and he just throws his hands up. Obviously not acceptable, but sometimes understandable. Some days it just gets to be so exhausting that you give in to defeat. I get it. I try to always keep in the back of my mind, what if it were MY child... would I be doing any better? I cant say because thankfully I've never had to experience any of this.
Yes, this mess started many years ago due to bad parenting, or lack there of. Bad 1st family issues, bad genetics, all kinds of reasons. The problem is that there is no reversing course this late in the game. I can place blame all day long, be mad at my husband for what he did or didn't do... it doesn't change our reality. This is just a sad story all the way around for everyone involved.
On the concept of marriage, it matters to me. This hell we are currently living in was not part of the plan. I cant even see the future anymore. Ill delve into this topic more later. Right now its just too heavy to address. I truly appreciate the advice on lawyers and such. Yes, I need to explore all options and go about this with a level head. As easy as it is to just pack my shit and go sounds delightful! Not my circus, not my monkeys mindset. Reclaim my life and myself, the person I used to be before all this rocked my world. I wish it was that simple!
Your DH doesn't care to have
Your DH doesn't care to have boundaries for SD and doesn't seem to care about your own personal boundaries with SD. If his children are living with you the majority of the time you sure as hell should have a decent say as to what goes on in your house.
My DH used to be the disney dad with SS3, who is almost 7 now. SS (who lives with us fulltime as BM peaced out and pretends to care via video calls and alot of false promises) used to demand attention or cuddles anytime I was near his father. DH would purchase him anything he wanted, SS slept in his bed with unlimited bedtime drink refills, SS staying up until he passed out while watching his tablet. Where did I sleep? THE COUCH when I was there overnight. DH at the time wanted me to move in with him and I laughed at him saying no way in hell am I sharing a bed with you and SS. Boy, was that transition for SS was like taming a possessed demon for weeks. Before I came into the picture SS never had any boundaries or "rules" to follow. I remember DH getting insulted when I told him I got upset when SS would interrupt anytime we hugged or sat close on the couch with a response along the lines of "if my child wants my affection I'll give it to him". In reality SS was being straight up territoral and rude. Over time and me putting my foot down DH saw through SS charade, especially as he got older and out of toddlerhood.
To this day, SS still desperately attention seeks 24/7 and attempts to be the center of the universe. Does it actually work? Yes and no. We don't feed into the preformances, but SS now likes to misbehave to get the attention he desperately seeks. It's extremely annoying and takes time out of our DD and DS day. I feel like we spend most of our time correcting SS or sending him to his room for acting inappropriately.
I understand your stress. I wouldn't want my SS living with us any longer than reaching adulthood in all honesty. Sounds like your SD is happy to melt at home and not do much, which means not flying the coop once she's old enough. I would be fed up in your situation too. If you can, I would let your DH know how serious you are about your boundaries or you'll have to walk away. I've had to do that myself too many times in my relationship because it gets played off as not being "that bad" to DH. Well I hate to break it to them, it is that bad!
You are absolutely in the
You are absolutely in the right state of mind with all of this. IMHO.
As soon as she drops out, hand DH forced emancipation papers, sit his ass down, and have him emancipate SD-17 then she can go live with BM.
He may be or apparently was your everything. But he makes your life nothing.
So, get on with living your best life and leave him to wallow in his shit puddle of a gene pool with toxic spawn SD-17. I feel for SD #2, that kid is getting nothing but a view of daddy's ass as he sniffs her elder sister's backside.