my husband justifies his 18yr old daughters behavior as "normal"
My husband and I dated for 6 years long distance, he in TX and me in Australia. He then moved to IA to get closer to his kids, then 12 months later my 2 kids and i moved too, after 7 long years we were finally together. Thats where the happy fairytale stopped.
My husband would drive 600 miles a week just picking up and dropping of his kids, he paid $800 child support and medical. His kids still came to us for clothes. I would find things for his then 16yr old daughter, buy them and then find she was giving them away as gifts to friends.
She moved in with us jan 2010, and the fun really began. She told me her father was in-love with his childhood friend and i was second choice. While shopping she demanded i buy her face creams, she said if you can have it so can i and put it in the cart. Even though she was working and could pay herself. She cussed at me when i chastised my daughter and told me i was never to yell or speak that way to my child while i was under this roof! I did remind her i paid for "this roof" and wasnt living with her but rather she was living with me. The stories go on and on.
My husband i felt encouraged it by saying nothing as thats what the "councillor" said to do, ignore it and it will go away, she's testing you thats all.
My step daughter squeezed between us even in our own bed and would push me out, my only "safe" place that is truly mine and she's in it snuggling up with her dad and at her age!
My Husband says its harder to accept a step mother than a step father and harder for his kids as their worlds were turned upside down moving states and getting a step family.
What about my kids? They not only gained a step family, but they moved from the other side of the world, said g'bye to family, friends and their country, i would see that as much harder.
Am I being selfish? Is it wrong to be glad she's moved out now that she's 18?
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No you are not being selfish
No you are not being selfish in my opinion. Her behavior is far from normal. She needs a reality check and a swift kick in the butt. But no worries, life has a way of putting people in check. Thank God she has now moved out!
I'd say you need a new
I'd say you need a new counselor if your DH is basing his perception of "normal" behavior on what the nut bag said! Your SD got away with treating you worse than a guest in your own home...it's not normal & it is NOT okay!
Hell no you aren't being selfish! I'm counting down the years until I am SKid free...nothing wrong with FINALLY being able to relax & enjoy YOUR space in YOUR home with YOUR children.
Everyone reacts to change differently...some handle it much better than others but IMHO, your DH allowing SD to behave that way because of all of the change is simply justifying it...his job as a parent was to help her adjust, not become an ingrate.
I think i will take your
I think i will take your advice and find a new councellor. My husband says that its me who just doesnt like hearing the answers the councellor gave.
I made a sugestion to my husband, for him to let his daughter know this his feelings are hurt when she's mean. She cried, said she was trying to make me leave and that she will stop.
Since then it has gotten better, plus the fact she moved out. But that was my idea and not the councellors, had we listened to the councellor we wouldnt have even had that small break through.
i feel like a whiner, but it feels so good to get it off my chest to those who are in similiar circumstances.
thank you for taking the time to give your opinion
My SD specifically asked for
My SD specifically asked for things because she "needed" it. What she was really doing was choosing gifts for her friends at our expense. I to chose a beautiful ring for her, this was given to both our daughters at our wedding as a symbol "rings of love" so they felt like they were family and included in the wedding. She no longer has this ring, or other pieces of jewelry we've given her.
Ive tried so hard to include her, but i only get resistance, jealousy and spitefulness. I just want it all to stop and for her to be a kind and thoughtful human being, my husband doesnt believe she is mean, as this is "normal" child behavior. When will he accept she's now an adult and knows exactly what she's doing? She plays the poor victim, and my husband feeds right into it. Its a big world out there, not everybody will buy into her compulsive lies, i just wish my husband would take off the rosy glasses as see how manipulative his daughter is.
too true!!
too true!!
Wait - the counselor said
Wait - the counselor said that it was normal for her to climb into BED in between you and her father???? :jawdrop:
Apparently so, she said its
Apparently so, she said its normal to be jealous and try and come between us as she no longer has her father to herself. She told us to ignore it as these behaviors are to irritate me and if ignored will go away. Its been the hardest thing ive ever had to do, have a child walk all over me in my own home and i had absolutely no say. My husband got advice from a new councellor recently, after i told him his daughter is only a victim of her own behaviors. The new councillor said that i have "mummy issues".
I know her behavior has improved, but she baits me by being nice, then she'll turn around and say something cruel. I dont know if ill ever be able to be the "adult" and get past it. Im riddled with guilt and i have no clue why. Ive never been mean back to her, i just avoid the games and my husband doesnt understand when he acuses me of "hating" her. But actually i dont hate her, just her cruel spiteful behavior.
That is completely insane!
That is completely insane! Obviously I do not know you and you very well may have "mummy issues" - hell, I have them myself. However, saying that it is OK for an adult child to enter the marital bed is not something that I can imagine ANY qualified therapist saying. Were you in the room when it was reported that she did it and the therapist responded or was it reported to you later? I just can't wrap my mind around it....
Yes i was there, it was the
Yes i was there, it was the first councillor, we saw her together. She put everything down to normal behavior and suggested ignoring all bad behavior and praising the good. Even hygeine issues became a battle. Her pug we bought her (regretfully) was in season and bleeding, she was cuddled up to her in her bed and my husband was irritated at me for pointing out this was disgusting. I truly think he knows, but doesnt accept criticism of his children, its almost like im saying it about him, in the way he reacts. I dont understand why i can accept criticism of my kids, but he cant of his.
I get some of what the councillor was saying, but im not sure she meant it as literally as my husband has taken it. Or maybe she did and its more of a problem to me than to my SO? I dont think these problems will ever go away, even with her not living here she is still able to come between us
I am in shock. Seriously.
I am in shock. Seriously. Please see a new counselor and, if you can not speak your mind in front of your DH, make a separate appointment to speak to them. Wow....
This is beyond insane.I can't
This is beyond insane.I can't believe that any councellor could even think that is normal and will go away.I am an Aussie girl, too, btw, so listen to me, from Aussie to Aussie-NOOOOO, don't accept that.
Does anyone have any books
Does anyone have any books they can reccommend, to either help me understand why or at least help cope?
Yes, that councellor is as
Yes, that councellor is as silly as all those who think that your SD's behaviour could be possibly normal.
Common sense says something completely different.
My big concern is your defensive SO who believes that she has the right to behave like this towards you.She behaves like his wife and this is completely unhealthy for your rs.If he doesn't recognise this I think that your rs is in danger to break apart.
I would invest all my energy into trying to get as much education about step families in general-especially Stepmonster is a good read to open his eyes WHY your rs can't work if he doesn't interfere with his daughters behaviour.
She needs to understand that she is NOT equal to you.And the only one who can ensure that she does get the message is SO.If he is not getting it and doesn't do anything about it there will be only two options left: you will accept and ending up depressed and sad or you will walk away from it.It is almost certain that SD doesnt't see the need to change anything since SO is basically enforcing her behaviour by understanding and justifying it.
If you want to see any chance to avoid it , you must fight hard for your husbands support NOW.
Thank you for the advice and
Thank you for the advice and support, i will definetely read that book and hopefully my SO will too!