Depression is creeping in on SO
Now, instead of just being furious, SO is starting to experience depression and is beating himself up over things he didn't do in the past that he now feels he should have done.
I just feel so badly for SO right now. He never wanted kids to begin with, but, after having had SD, he can't imagine his life without kids. But now, he can't imagine having SD in our home or his life because of the way she's been behaving. He said he just can't understand why SD would turn on him this way. So, I brought up some sites about PAS to share with him since it's been a while since I shared that information with him.
I discussed PAS with him last night and explained that even if he did get custody of SD all those many years ago that GUBM drove drunk with her in the car. that GUBM still would have done all of this to try and turn SD against him. It may have taken longer for impact to happen, but, she still would have tried. I just hate that he's beating himself up over all of this because he's internalizing all of the responsibility for this nonsense. When, realistically, he did what he felt was best at the time, he can't change his past, but, he wishes he could.
I'm just glad that he has counseling today because he needs to unload and unpack this all with someone who is removed from the situation. I'm just going to have to be extra loving and tender with him for the time being as well. Even though I'm furious and frustrated over all the bullshit, I can't even begin to imagine what he's going through as a parent.
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Yup. That's what I've been
Yup. That's what I've been trying to do as best as I can for the past couple of days, especially since the shit hit the fan yesterday. I just want him to know that he's awesome, he's done a stellar job with what he had to work with, and that GUBM was lucky that her kid has 50% of his genetics.
I just hope that his therapist has even an inkling of knowledge about PAS, because, then he might understand what SO has been up against these past 13 years.
this is what I will never
this is what I will never forgive DH ex for, she has PAS'd a child and that will take years if ever for the child to rectify that damage. and for what she has done through that child to my husband
I told SO last night that
I told SO last night that there is no way in hell that GUBM will ever be able to regain any amount of respect from me in my opinion. I had previously told him that she might be able to do so if she were to cop to her bullshit and apologize to SO and SD for hurting both of them in such malicious and abusive ways, but, last night I said "Nope, that's off the table. I do not respet her and I never will respect someone who acts like my mom and sister." And, much like you and your DH's ex, I'll never be able to forgive her, either.
I grew up in an abusive family, with a mom who tried to alienate me from my father after he died. So, all the bull that GUBM pulls with SD and has been pulling with her for the past four years (although, technically, longer because her campaign for alienation definitely started before then), my mom pulled with me and my dead father. That's so classy, isn't it? I suffered for years because I was mourning my father and, all the while, my mom was trying to alienate me from him, telling me about all the messed up things he did in their marriage, how he was abusive towards me and my sister when he really wasn't, how I should not be sad that he died. So I immediately hated GUBM the moment I caught on to the fact that she was trying to alienate SD from SO. But, now that we see the emotional and psychological damage has taken a toll, well, she can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.
I think the worst part about GUBM's behavior is that she thinks all she is doing is hurting SO, which she is, but, she's royally screwing up SD in the process.
Despite our SD complaining
Despite our SD complaining about her mother to us, saying that she had no bond with her and could not communicate with her. Despite her mother NEVER taking her anywhere, doing anything with her or paying for anything for her she still stabbed her own father in the back.
This describes it really well. When she'd talk to SO when she visited, it was all about how pathetic her relationship with GUBM was, about how GUBM always let her down and didn't do anything for her that she really needed; but, GUBM throws her little bones every now and then. Like, taking SD out of school so that she can sit around and do whatever she wants all day long. Taking SD to get her hair done at the salon all the time. She abuses and neglects SD, but, rations out just enough "fun BFFL mommy" crap to keep her hooked. It's really sad.
I feel for him too. My DH is
I feel for him too. My DH is going through the same thing with his ex PASing SD14. He's gone through the anger stage, disbelief stage, hurt stage and now is just indifferent. He went through what I consider an "emotional breakdown" of sorts just last month and took some time off work to regroup. He's done all he can to prove to SD that he loves her and wants her to be a part of his life but she's so far gone up BM's ass that she can't see the forest for the trees, nor does she want to.
Of course, BM is dragging him back to court and he just now found out that BM's BOYFRIEND is listed as a contact/pickup person for SD with the school, NOT DH. He's livid but will just show the judge/mediator that this is one more thing that BM is doing to keep his daughter away. She's totally replaced DH as a father in the kid's life and now he has to fight just to keep her from completely killing him financially.
It's sad to watch the man you love the most be hurt over and over again by the very child who he helped raise. I can't stand the kid for a number of reasons, but that is at the top of the list.
GUBM didn't even register SO
GUBM didn't even register SO as her other parent when she enrolled SD in the last school that she just pulled her out of three weeks ago. SO suspects that GUBM won't let SD use his last name (they combined it so it was SD GUBM last name SO last name), that she's playing up the whole "SD doesn't have a father" trip - one of GUBM's favorite things was to scream at SO that he's a lousy person and that she should have never allowed him to sign the birth certificate.
If SO has a change of heart should it go to court, he at least can say that GUBM is excluding him from SD's life through that evidence alone. Granted, the school kind of muffed up in telling SO that SD was unenrolled since he wasn't listed as a parent or guardian, but, oh well. That's on them. He found an app on his phone that will let him back up all text messages to his gmail for safe keeping if he should need them for legal reasons.
I think I might suggest that SO try to take some time off from his night job if he can, as much as he can. It's a little hard for him to do right now because one of his coworkers is out on disability and he isn't sure when she'll be back. But, once she's back, he'll have coverage and can put in for time off to tend to himself. Heck, he gets 30 paid days off a year, and it doesn't look like he'll need to use any of them on SD, so, he might as well spoil himself for a while.
And you're right, it's heart wrenching, more so than watching him break over being unable to help SD out when GUBM has been a tyrant. This is far worse.
My heart breaks for you and
My heart breaks for you and your DH as I know just about exactly how you both feel. It's so very sad to watch and I can't believe these women do this just because they're bitter about their divorces or whatever excuse they choose to use.
Some days I wish DH would just call stepdevil up and bitch her ass out for treating him like shit, just so he can get out his feelings. But we all know that would accomplish nothing. It's more her mother's fault than hers but at age 14 you'd think she'd know right from wrong. UGH it's just so fucking hurtful.
I asked SO yesterday if he
I asked SO yesterday if he was planning on calming down before he even attempts to talk to SD, because I know that if he called her yesterday he would lay into her so severely - not that she wouldn't deserve to be layed into like that, but, he needs to get it across that GUBM is not correct in any of her accusations of him.
He's definitely going to talk to her after he calms down and gets his head straight, because he wants to tell her how badly she messed up, but, I think you're right, it won't do any good, really. And, yep, a 13 year old who spent half of her month-long stay here with us in perpetual trouble for lying should know by now that all lying to SO will do is result in misery.
I don't think my DH is
I don't think my DH is planning on talking to either BM or SD14 anytime soon, which is probably for the best. Hell, if this were MY kid, you bet your sweet ass I'd be laying into her over this bullshit. My kid treats DH better than his own and mine lives 1300 miles away from us! She texts him every single morning, without fail, and always says she "can't stand him" (which is her sarcastic way of saying I love you" and he knows it).
He told me not too long ago that he wished we had met 15 yrs ago because then my daughter would be his biologically. I said I'm glad she isn't, but ONLY because she would've been doubly cursed with the short gene! I'm 5' and he's 5'6" but DD's father is 6' and she's 15 and is already 5'8"!!!!
Yea, my SO often says that he
Yea, my SO often says that he wishes he met me 20 years ago (when he started dating GUBM) so he wouldn't have gotten sucked into that. But then I tell him that that's creepy because while he was 19, I was only 10, lol.
Yep to all of the above
Yep to all of the above posts.
Here's my take. We are all
Here's my take. We are all born with some innate part of our personality that no amount of parenting can modify. Not to say that good parenting isn't very, very, very important. But part of what we are we just are.
I can see kids falling for the PAS stuff but when an adult fails to really see the true facts I think part of it is a failure inside that person. I've seen kids be PASed to death and yet when mature adults they are able to seek some common ground with the parent they were taught to hate. Even when the parent wasn't that great.
They ones who cannot move forward when there is no real injury inflicted on them are just flawed inside.
Awesomely sage as always,
Awesomely sage as always, oldone
Sat and pondered on this one for a while and you're totally right on all counts.