Anji,

Welcome to Step Talk! I'm tired, so I'll preface this by saying I may have to get back to this in the morning.

I think you're original blog post may have shocked us because we don't know you're relationship with the SM. I have to admit I was a little confused and shocked as well. But not any more, I think. :?

This site is not just for SMs. There are all sorts of people here. SMs, BMs, SDs, BDs :), and all combinations of those. That said, the majority of the people here are stepparents that have some sort of issues with their situation. They come here to vent and get advise about their side of the story. That was the original reason Dawn created this site.

I don't think anybody has claimed that all Bios are horrible and are always the problem. If they have, well, they're wrong. Of course there are two sides to every story. This site is mainly for discussing the stepparents' side of the story. The cool thing is that there are Bios on this site that have done a great job of enlightening the Steps on what kinds of emotions and other issues are involved on their side and, on the flip side, the Bios get a really good window into what the Steps have to deal with.

So, if you are having issues with a SM in your life, feel free to blog about it here, if you want advice. Yeah, you might get a couple of comments that you don't agree with, we all do, but for the most part I think most of the them will be genuinely helpful.

OK, the snow is beginning to really fall here in St. Louis and now I'm really tired so I'm going to crawl into my warm bed and pass out. Good night.

the original blog really was harsh for a first post, but I guess not really uncommon- just that for the most of us here, we are step parents dealing with irrational bioparents in some form- not too far off your situation. It didn't clarify anything, so for me, I was quite thrown off track and not really sure where you were going with it. However, now that you have posted a little more information, now I can understand.

You are most welcome to vent your frustrations, by all means. You are dealing with issues that we are dealing with on the 'flip side' of the coin. So, this is quite interesting, I must say. So, by all means, post. I do hope that you approach this just as we do. I know for a fact that not ALL BMs are bad and out to get the SM, just as the SMs are not all out to get BM. Please understand that.

My situation is mine alone, just as yours is yours alone. Together, we can help each other. We share a common ground and that is dealing with an unstable mentally individual. In my book, someone stocking and harassing you is quite emotionally and mentally unstable.

I would ask that you please don't use your bitterness and resentment against your SM against US other step parents that have no connection to this. I would hate for you to generalize by your own personal experience that we are all like this... because we are not. I hope that helps. Please keep posting so that we may be able to help you better. I for one, would never even consider doing the things that you mentioned your children's SM is doing to you. I'm truly sorry to hear that. I think that is horrible to deal with, and NO ONE should have to go through that.

I deal with both sides of this spectrum. For example I am a BM of three children and my X is remarried. However I don't ever post about my kids SM because I don't have any issues with her. I could not have chosen a better SM for my kids if I had hand picked her myself. She is very respectful to me and in the beginning she use to worry that she was over stepping her bounderies with my children. She would even call to ask me if it was okay to take my girls to a Mother daughter banquet at her church. I laughed at the time because I didn't know why she was asking me this. It was going on during their time with our kids. Then I realized that in many cases a BM can feel extremely jealous and intimidated by another women coming into her children's lives as a parental figure, and my kids SM was simply trying to reassure me that she was not trying to take over--only add too my children's life.

So then I met my Bf and he is divorced with two kids and I became an instant SM. I thought it would be a piece of cake--as easily as I had fallen into a mutual respect with my kids SM I believed the same would happen with me and my skids BM. However this women was having none of it. She immediately began causing problems. Going as far as to verbally attack me when the situation had nothing what so ever to do with me--but was a disagreement between her and BF. I was rudely awaken to the fact that not all BM"s accept a SM in their children's life as easily as I had. Because I can not change my skid's BM--I opt to change how we handle things with her-so as to give her as much space as she needs to keep her drama out of our life.

I don't recall anyone here ever saying that SM"s were perfect and it was always the BM who caused all the issues. In fact I know there are several blogs where SM's have admitted their fault in certain situations--or asked if what they did was wrong--and I think that they have recieved a variety of responses that come from a variety of situations.

You know you posted a letter that you admit was fake. Was that your way of lashing out because you didn't like what you were reading here? Is it possible that some of the things you read reflected your own behavior? I ask because I have had the same feelings at times. The realization that I have my faults as a BM/SM just as everyone else.

This isn't a place where we come just to bash BM's. It's a place where we come for support from others who are facing similar situations. We vent here--because we do not want to display negative behavior or thoughts to our skids. So NO--the skids do not know in most cases how we feel about their BM. My skds have never heard me say one negative thing about their BM--but they have come home and told me how much their BM doesnt like me or how they are only allowed to kiss and hug their BM. Or how about the ever clear message from my youngest SS when he says "My mom says you are not my mom and never will be" You going to tell me that he thought that one up on his own.

The point is don't get the impression that we feel we are perfect simply because we "vent" our frustrations here. Most of us are only looking for support and advice--which is what I feel this site is all about. I found this site while looking for info on how to deal with a BM in a blended family setting. The first thing I saw upon entering this place was the motto at the top that said "Step Talk. Where step parents come to vent." My first thought when I read some blogs was wow these people truly know what I"m going through.

If you came here for the same reason's--please continue to post. We do have some BM's who post here that are dealing with SM's that create problems and never once have I seen anyone reply to those BM's post with disrespect--only with understanding. I think it's safe to say that all of us understand our part in things. However you are not going to come to a place like this and post about the issues in your life that are working well--which is why you never hear me venting about my kids SM.

Alisha

it doesn't matter if you are a SM or a BM or both. Either one could be a mean, irrational person. It's a people thing, not a SM or BM thing. Some people are just not nice. So if you take away all of the labels and just look at it on a people level, yeah, there are going to be bad SMs as well as BMs.

I think that your original letter was just a little shocking without any of your background info. That's all.

Welcome to Steptalk.

Dawn

that she has every right to come here to vent. Yes, the things she has dealt with from the SM are horrible and unjustifiable. I'm sorry if Anji feels as if we have "driven her away". I don't think it's anyone's purpose here to alienate anyone.

That being said, when one person comes to unload some of their frustrations in a place like this, they're going to find...other parents (both step and bio, me included) needing to unload some of their frustrations. It is not an attack on parental status. It is not a personal attack. It is not a place to hate the other parent. I use this site as what it says it is ~ "a place to vent". It doesn't mean that I ever express these things to BM, and especially not to SS.

I'm sure Anji is a wonderful mother. I think she certainly has a right to be angry...at that SM. I don't understand why she would think that anyone here has a problem with her venting about the things that woman has done to her.

Which brings me to this point~ all I ask is the same courtesy~ to vent about problems I am having with the BM in my case without it being taken as I hate her and think that I'm "perfect". I know I'm not perfect....nobody is. I do personally believe, however, that there are certain people in life, and certain times where you realize a person is just toxic. A train wreck. I've seen, heard and been through a LOT of different stuff in my life~ I've known addicts, cheaters, boozers, prostitutes, mentally ill people...you name it. Common sense would dictate to turn my back at the first sign of danger and destructiveness. But one could also be a "bigger person" and brush off the nastiness coming from the other parent. This is what "turning the other cheek" is ideally.

But I also feel there's a fine line between that and being a doormat.
It is great to give someone a second chance (or a third, or a fifth) and be able to be there for that person and see them evolve because they WANT to. When a person like Anj described, and many of us here deal with (me included)~ continues that kind of behavior over years and shows no signs of backing off of you or considering change....then it's toxic. And I don't think that avoiding that kind of person or expressing emotions over getting burned by them means you're being hateful, I think it's the difference between protecting yourself and family or just continually being emotionally and mentally abused by them.

That's the small thing that bothers me about the last post under Anji's name. I have actually asked myself these questions about if I am feeding into her actions and all....if you look at my earlier blogs you would see that. Not everything you see is a "bash" session, so please try not to judge a certain situation based off of a couple blogs posted during a stressful instance.

Second, there are sometimes I think that you can ask those questions and honestly come up with the answer No, you are not feeding into SM's or BM's actions. Did Anj think that SM did that because of something Anj did? I would say that that SM did those things because she is sick and abusive and needs help. Letting go of what can't be controlled~ now yes, THAT is something we can consider. But this is where I also feel that "venting" helps...normally everyone has a choice to just cut toxic people out of their lives. Ending friendships. Finding a new job. Divorcing our spouses. But when it comes to SK's and those dynamics, we cannot just "get rid" of them. We can avoid or limit contact or take certain measures. But these issues will have a kind of unseen "presence" in our lives. And if they are negative and abusive then we need a way to deal with that negativity.....and one way is to have a safe place to vent

To shorten this~ Anj is more than welcome to express her feelings at her situation, and comment on others even. But please try to understand that when others are venting, we may not be in the position to take someone defending the other parent's side. We're already getting that from them. As far as the IEP issue in my blog, I was not debating with Anj because I was trying to undermine her....I explained why my H has been advised not to go alone with her. If you and her disagree with me, that is your opinion and I don't expect that to change, just as I don't think BM will change her mind either. But I know that my H will not agree to go alone with her either, as that would be deliberately ignoring our marital therapy. I felt like Anj was just saying for us to "sacrifice Peter (our recovery) to save Paul" (what BM wants). H and I would like to be there for SS, but not at the expense of bringing more trouble into our marriage, like BM wants. Yes, they did tell my H that I should come. But BM is not doing this to avoid nastiness and bickering from me. SS has never had a conflict with me. And when BM drops him off and picks him up, we all keep to ourselves, so that the kids do not see fighting. The only reason she wants to keep me away is so she can take pleasure in driving a wedge between my H and I... and pretending that her and my H and their son are one little happy family, so that she won't think of herself as a mistress...she will think it "belongs" that way. No, I do not support that and I don't see how that is the right thing for us to do. Anyway, the way it stands now, we'll see if he can just meet with the team at a different time, or I guess he just won't go because of BM being adamant about not seeing me there.

Ok...I think this should be half a novel! Take care and be blessed

Anji, I hope you're still around...and I'm glad you have the support you need via the lawyer, police, family and BM of your SKids. IMO I thought your letter was heartbreaking and it was brave of you to share it all.

Please stay and continue to share with us how this debacle is shaking out. Stay around and vent, I'll listen. I had a pretty amazing BM for my skids. I'm the wicked one.

So, a friend has to step in and vouch for Anji- using Anji's ID when the rough gets tough? Hmmm... interesting. I guess that works if you need to protect ones self from "bio bashing". Is that what Anji is afraid of, that people will bash her here?

Well, speaking to Anji- hun, you have a lot of crap flying your way, obviously. There are diffidently serious issues going on that you have a right to be upset about and vent all you want. But I don't understand how you feel that this place isn't for you, or that "BMs are the only bad ones" as you put it. From where I sit, I've been lurking around here long enough to know that everyone here has a story to tell and none of it is "personal". What I do see is that new individuals come in, they are vulnerable, spill out their hearts, and go through a "learning curve", so to say. They internalize things greatly.

What you may find as harsh, bashing, or critical may actually be just the opposite. A lot of the ladies, and a few gents, have a common "clique" and are very candid with one another. They know each others personalities, stories/situations, follow each others daily activities, they have been here for a while. In essence, they are online friends, buddies, that can freely commence "bashing", as you put it, their BM because the reality is that most of us here are SM's and we can do so without fear of retaliation. So many of us have the same issues, over and over, and it sounds like you have the same thing too. The only difference is that you are the BM, she is the SM. So, what? You're two people dealing with the same thing that I am on a different scale. I could care less if you are a BM or a SM, you have to deal with someone that is very vindictive for whatever reason.

So, my suggestion is just sit back a little bit if your uncomfortable, get to know people, and then you'll understand- Oh, now I get it! The ah ha moment will happen, the light bulb will go off, but you have to be willing to accept a little criticism from time to time. You also have to be willing to participate from time to time. I have found that here, you really have to put your foot forward a little at a time and people are very supportive to everyone. The worst thing you can do is internalize off of what someone else is going through. Let's just focus on your situation. Tell us a little more about what's going on.

With that said, no one has rightly said to you "Oh.. you're a BM. YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED!" have they? I surely hope not- I'll go kick their butt for you! Then vent your heart out lady! I'll listen. (I love these new smilies!)