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OT - that bra biz

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Blog hoggin' today!

I saw that forum post regarding bras...

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/bio-child-free-zone/wearing-bra...

My first thought: define "modest" in regards to a person's at-home-clothing.

Do you need to define levels of modesty? 

  • Just spouse/SO
  • Spouse/SO and bios
  • Spouse/SO and bio family members
  • Spouse/SO, bios, and skids
  • Spouse/SO and skids
  • Spouse/SO and people of no relation

I know women of all sizes who never wear a bra. 

I know women of all sizes who wear a bra except when bathing (yes, they sleep in a bra).

I know MEN who could definitely use some mammary support!

 

So... What is your definition of modest, AT-HOME attire?

 

ETA: Gads, people! This is not about breastfeeding or sexualizing body parts or that men need to wear support if they have swinging weezers. Sheesh. What is your definition of modest, at-home attire?  (Please pass the tequila!)

Comments

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I put a bra on when I get up because I usually exercise in the morning. Then I shower and put a regular one on.  I take it off for sleep.  On rare occasions, say a vacation where I'm not exercising right away, I might go braless for a bit, but I'm not super comfortable doing that around anyone but DH.  I don't enjoy feeling like my boobs are bouncing around in the middle-aged woman position.  I don't think it's because I've been taught boobs need harnessing, I just don't like it.  As I said in the other thread, I think it's more similar to DH not liking boxers because they are too loose than it is to some societal indoctrination into the sexualization of female anatomy.

Also, I don't find bras so awful, what are people wearing? Underwire is the devil, but otherwise, they don't bother me too much.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I have fibrocystic breasts that hurt like a mofo between ovulation and my period. Been to a breast specialist about it and was basically told that there isn't much that can be done except age and hope for the best. Sometimes a bra helps alleviate pain. Sometimes a bra just puts too much pressure and hurts worse. I've got bras of all kinds that I trade in and out depending on how my boobs feel that day.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I also have fibrocystic breasts. Even though I'm no longer ovulating, they feel better without any kind of confinement. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I wear a good supportive bra when I plan to be active because I like keeping my tissues intact.

However, I have zero issues going braless and prefer it as I find it more comfortable to wear fewer clothes and be... unrestrained, for lack of a better word. Loose and less is my clothing choice. My shoes come off first; bra second!

advice.only2's picture

I said it over there and I will say it here, if that OP is legit he needs to be teaching his son that breasts are not sexual objects. As for at home, whatever floats a persons boat. I am controlled enough in my life by my job I'm not having somebody control what I wear in my own damn home.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, though - while breasts are certainly functional as well, virtually 100% of straight men see them as sexual objects.  I don't know that that can be undone. Now, he certainly should be taught that his stepmother's breasts are not sexual objects to HIM.

advice.only2's picture

I understand what you are saying, but when do we start being accountable and taking a stand against that? In our own homes, by teaching our kids to be better.

tog redux's picture

I guess I don't see it as something we can change, or even a bad thing.  Who cares if men are attracted to women's breasts? We aren't going to change that. He can certainly teach his son that sexualizing women, period, is an issue.  But we are never going to make men not visual creatures who stop being turned on by women's bodies.  They can be appropriate about it, though, and not expect women to behave a certain way because of the man's sexual urges.

beebeel's picture

Of course we can change as society. 

It starts with teaching the next generation of men that they shouldn't stare or comment on a woman's body, no matter what she is wearing. It's not the fact that men like boobs that is the problem. The issue is that too many of them think they can make women feel uncomfortable with unwanted attention and then somehow blame that on what she is or isn't wearing.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I once saw a meme about things are not always what they seem. It was a shot of a very "full" bikini top. The pullback showed that the bikini top was actually on a man's arse. *lol*

beebeel's picture

My DH has been wearing leggings around the house in quarantine. He bought himself some pretty wild ones. He posted a pic of his ass in a pair of them that I took to IG and had about 50-75 dms from dudes within an hour...

His ass DOES look better than mine in them, but he said it was super eye opening. I told him "Now do you know why I closed my IG account?" PIGS.

beebeel's picture

Preach! The only reason guys like boobs is because gals have been told to cover them up and keep them from making any movement. If women were told for centuries that we must cover our ears, lest we temp men into raping us, ears would be sexualuzed, too.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Beebeel, I would like to go back in time to witness the madness that ensued when an ankle was flashed...

Picardy III's picture

My subjective definition of modesty for my body is: does this clothing (or lack thereof) make me look like I want sex from DH, lol. 
If so, I don't wear it around kids, step or bio.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I have quite a bit of clothing I won't wear if the curtains are open! *lol*

Cover1W's picture

I don't think DH and I have ever discussed this but ONE time in regards to OSD wearing tight, tight leggings and short shirts.

At home, I wear a bra or bandeau type bra or a sports bra all depending on mood/what I'm doing. I do go bra-less if I have a tight tank top on but usually wear a sweater or something over it. Very rarely do I just let it out - it's more comfortable with some support, and it's  usually just with DH and I. I know YSD notices but I don't care.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

As mentioned above, I have fibrocystic breasts. They are very sensitive and bras of any style are very uncomfortable for me.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That poster never did specify what the wife wore. I'm pretty modest and i make my kids dress modestly in "public" areas of the house, meaning cover like a swimsuit would cover. I will even go so far as to make my daughter layer a cardigan over a crop or tube top when leaving the house. The fact that i'm modest is one reason i'm so big on the bedroom being private (adults only), since i'm not comfortable with nudity in the general house. I don't always feel like "covering" and i think everyone should have a place where they feel comfortable in whatever state of dress they want.

But, that OP's wife is not a kid, she is an adult and it is her home. I know that i am more conservative than most.I was definitely not ok with my SO's daughter coming to dinner with her nipples showing, and i try to be fair in that if i expect others to abide by a standard i think it should apply to all, if possible. If OP's wife has different feelings than OP, they probably should have worked that out before getting married. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That OP's opinion means zilch to me.

I'm interested in YOUR definition. My takeaway is swimsuits are sufficient. 

JRI's picture

I hate bras because I'm big, I'm sick of them and I don't have to do anything I don't want to anymore.  Lol.  But I put one on when stepsons, sons-in-law or grandsons come over.  Can't exactly articulate why but it has something to do with respect for them.

JRI's picture

I'm not really sure how to say it but I see DH doing the same thing.  He normally wears just running shorts at home, but if the daughters, daughters-in-law or granddaughters are coming, he runs in and puts more on.  I think it's a modesty thing for both of us.  

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Cool. My DH and I have different comfort levels of modesty. He is a veritable nudist at home (just us). If anyone else is over, he'll (at the very least) wear shorts or pants. I prefer to wear a casual dress or shorts and a loose tank/tee. If anyone else is there, I dont wear anything sheer. No bra, though.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Realizing that this board may have anyone from religious fundamentalists to nudists, and realizing that my own opinion is no more valid than others, i am curious - for those who are often topless (or otherwise unclothed) at home, do you have a teenage or adult stepdaughter? Are you also ok with her being topless in common areas?

A common theme on SP boards is SDs dressing scantily around DH's. Is it just that different families have different ideas on what is acceptable? Maybe this is something to recommend people talk about before marriage? It often doesn't come up until people actually live together. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I have large boobs. I'm the sort who takes my bra off as soon as I get home, and often go without one around the house/property in Summer. DH and I have a joke that If we want company, just send Julie outside without a bra on because there have been many times where I've been caught commando by someone unexpectedly stopping by.

So unless it's just DH and me, I prefer to be harnessed up in company. But again, I have large, noticeable breasts.

 

beebeel's picture

Would you say you prefer to wear a bra in front of others because of the unwanted attention (staring and comments) that others have shown you over the decades for being a woman with large breasts? Does it make you feel more "comfortable" because others are less likely to be a pig to you?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I have large breasts and they get stared at/remarked upon regardless of my bra status. Wearing a bra does not give me the least sense if security against lewd comnents.

beebeel's picture

Yep. Same here. I finally said eff it. Pigs are gonna rut regardless. I'm not going to stop wearing sundresses because my cleavage will get noticed and some asshole is going to comment about my breasts. I've just been calling out the assholes.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No beebeel, It's more a matter of modesty and the fact that I have big banana boobs. Wouldn't want to make a quick turn and hit someone with one.

justmakingthebest's picture

I always wear a bra (even swimwear has underwire) unless I am bathing or having sex. I am a DD lady here so they are out of control anyway! LOL I will say that my sister is the same way (big breasted) and even though I nursed 2 kids for a year each and she is child free my boobs look like a 20 something and hers are a swinging at her belly button but she never wears a bra at home! 

As for modesty- I wear a tank, I wear short shorts to sleep. I wear those around the house with a light robe over myself. I make sure my daughter wears a robe around too. She is developing a womanly body at almost 13 and she has 2 not biological brothers in the house at times. I don't think they would ever cross a line but I do think that she doesn't need to be flaunting what her momma gave her around. 

The boys- They have to wear a shirt and shorts. Both SS15 and BS14 would wear just boxer briefs around if I let them. I make them wear clothes. No one needs to see all that! 

Since I have SS20 at home (special needs) I will probably always have that standard because it isn't fair to him- especially since he is neuro atypical to have my nips in his face and say- don't ever get aroused by all these boobies! 

Men love boobs. Yes, they serve a purpose to feed babies but they are also used for sexual stimulation. My husband would die a happy man with his face in between the girls. You are fooling yourself if you don't think teenage stepsons or daughters for that matter won't look or be potentially aroused by a non biological woman's breast hanging out or clearly visible due to not containing them in something even as simple as a shelf bra tank. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I loathe underwire in a swimsuit as it's very painful for me. I've yet to have a problem finding swimwear that is underwire-free that sufficiently contains my breasts.

I'm not fooling myself at all. Simply asking your definition. Smile

tog redux's picture

I agree, men love boobs. That's not ever going to change and I'm not sure why people are so up in arms about it. Women sexualize men's butts, and they aren't sex organs. Now, I don't think people should tell women they can't breastfeed in public, or that they should have to wear burqas because men might get turned on, but honestly, teen boys are going to get turned on by bouncing boobs.  If you are okay with that, then I agree that no one should tell you not to wear a bra in your home.  I wouldn't be okay with that, personally, but I also don't mind wearing bras.

I hate underwire, period. That stuff is stabby.

justmakingthebest's picture

Yes- I breast fed in public. After the very beginning both my kids hated a cover up. I was discrete but I fed them in public. 

I dont think that sun dresses or tank tops or any of that should be banned and I believe you should be comfortable in your own home but if you go showing your world, don't be surprised if a hormonal teen takes a picture for the spank bank! Stepmom or not. I mean there is a whole genre of porn dedicated to that!

I honestly find that there is a very fine line between men should be able to control themselves and she was asking for it. A true predator will attack a woman no matter what she wears... a drunk college boy raping a drunk college girl who was wearing a mini skirt and no panties... We do have to protect ourselves and teach our daughters to do the same. Dont be a victim because you are convenient. 

beebeel's picture

Huh?! Are you saying if the drunk college girl was wearing a maxi dress with a thong, the college boy would have said to himself, "Ah shucks! Guess I'm not raping her." *Kicks the ground*

I'm ...at a loss for words.

Pssst: rape was a thing waaaaaay before the mini skirt was invented.

And how about teaching boys it's not ok to take pictures of women without their consent? Gahhhh!

justmakingthebest's picture

No, I am saying dont be the drunk girl period. 

Don't think that men will ever control themselves. Women will always be subject to violence. It is a fact of life and something that goes back to the beginning of time. 

Don't make it easier, don't make yourself an object. I do believe that an inch of modesty and composure can make the difference between being the girl that makes it home at night and the one that doesn't. 

beebeel's picture

Girls should never get drunk? Do you even hear how you sound? 

Little girls in full length footie pajamas get raped. Completely sober women in burkas get raped. 

If your son raped a girl, would it be ok because she was drunk in a short skirt?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Horror stories (news) of scum who rape little old grandmas, too.

I've often wondered what percentage of rape is actually regret upon sobering up. 

DPW's picture

Come the f*ck on.... Don't be the drunk girl. So guys can get drunk but girls can't because men can't control themselves. Learn some self-control BOYS and girls, having fun and get your drunk on!

classyNJ's picture

No bra at home unless we have company.  I wear summer dresses and tshirts in summer and sweats in winter so once I'm home it comes off! 

beebeel's picture

As long as your genitals are covered, that's "modesty" in my home. We don't go topless. I didn't want to see my SS's hairy moobs, so everyone wears shirts. (Until the 4 year old decides to whip his off and put it on the pug.)

But if I can "suffer" through watching SS's moobs jiggle under his shirt without staring or commenting, he sure as shit can see my breasts move under my shirt with the same courtesy. 

He walked in on me breastfeeding baby face and I thought he was gonna die. Apparently my big boobs jiggling around the house since he was 6 didn't hypnotize him into sexualizing me in the least. I never caught him staring at my chest because he was taught oogling people is wrong. My DH never even thought about asking me to dress differently. It doesn't make him uncomfortable when people look at my chest because he doesn't view me as a possession. He's simply teaching his sons to respect women. Huh. Weird.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Woman, why'd you put that pic in my head? It reminds me if my now-deceased neighbor who was forever going topless outdoors. Hairy moobs resting on top of his kegger-sized beer belly and shorts so small that half of his arse crack showed. You did NOT want to be looking his way when he bent over... *shok*

beebeel's picture

I know Succubus' husband walked around their house topless all the time because the man rarely had a shirt on when we did exchanges. Ss picked up the habit and tried to carry it over to our house. Female breasts swinging freely under the cover of an entire shirt got nothin' on the sight of a topless, average looking man. Ew.

Winterglow's picture

Women will finally be men's equals when they can be overweight, have a huge paunch,  be bald and still think they're sexy... 

Picardy III's picture

My OSS walks around in barely-shorts most of the time. He's in Abercrombie-model shape, so I don't care *because* he's not gross-looking. I don't find it titillating whatsoever, it's just not Midwest waterpark eye-averting flesh nasty. If anything, being in perfect shape makes semi-nudity kind of unremarkable (for guys at least).

Now if YSS, who's on the much paler and softer side, started going shirtless - I might decide we're a shirts-required household. Not fair, sure, but some stuff doesn't need to be seen.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Even though both of my SSs are now in good shape, I still don't want to see them topless. Lol

SeeYouNever's picture

During the day I'll wear a soft bra since Im nursing. It's just DH my baby daughter and I most of the time. At night DH and I sleep naked and we'll even go get the baby while nude. 

When my In laws, parents or SD is here I'll go braless after I change into PJs and wear a hoodie so they don't see my nipples. I'll sleep with PJs if they're there, but take off the soft bra and put it back on in the morning.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Question regarding the hoodie/nipples thing... is it because your PJs are sheer or because you feel that them protruding is not acceptable? 

DPW's picture

We're so f*cking conditioned to hide our nips. Who cares? They get hard... whopdeedo. 

My aunt, a prude, wears silicone nipple coverings ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, because her nipples are hard most of the time and she's embarassed by them protruding. C'mon.... let those nips breathe!

DPW's picture

I'm mostly in a tanktop and underwear at home, or less. I'm a total exhibitionist and don't care if people look at me through the windows. SO always gives me sh*t but I just don't care. And I'm fat so far from perfect body and still don't care. I'm so much more about comfort these days than "modesty". If I want to go braless in my sundress, then I will. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Darlin', kudos to you for being comfortable with your body! While my DH is a home nudist, I've always preferred to wear something​​​​​: tee, panties, teddy... He likes it, too, because I feel sexier and it makes a difference in my reactions. *unknw*

strugglingSM's picture

This may be TMI, but DH would love it, if I walked around bra-less all the time. That said, I've started being more conscious of wearing a bra around my SSs. They are now in high school and I would feel creeped out if they were checking out my breasts. I don't wear a bra in the morning before I've showered, which means I often don't wear one for breakfast on weekends, but other than that, I have one on. I will often take it off when I'm settling down for the day and watching television or reading, but when SSs are at our house, we don't usually watch television together...that is my alone time. 

I honestly think that it's a good learning experience for boys to learn not to be creeps about things like a woman's breasts. I fall into the camp that thinks that men can avoid leering at breasts if they want to, they just need to utilize some self-control. DH will never teach that to SSs and I'm not interested in having that conversation, but women are people and we deserve to be seen as such, and not sex objects all the time.  

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I honestly think that it's a good learning experience for boys to learn not to be creeps about things like a woman's breasts.

DingDingDingDing!!! No one should experience that creep crap.

Hon, my DH is a leg/butt man and would like me to go pantless! (TMI, I'm sure!)

I confess that, while I love my husband's body, I find his hands to be soooooooo sexy. They're big and muscular and lightly freckled. Typically some unremovable stains under his nails and always some bruises and scrapes. He can crack a walnut bare-handed... and gently cradle a tiny kitten with equal skill. We did some work at my Dad's over the weekend and I was darn near drooling over him pounding nails. Couldn't wait to get home and jump him! *dirol*