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I don’t even know

Ampere's picture

Submitted by Ampere on Mon, 08/12/2024 - 10:02pm

So recently it was brought up that my husbands son may not be his. So there will be dna testing done. But overall it will not change anything according to my husband. I feel it is really unfair to our child that we have together and me

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Mon, 08/12/2024 - 10:30pm

Why do you feel it is unfair to you and your child? How old is your husband's kid? I think it would very hard for a person to stop loving or caring for a child they had raised as their own, even if they found out it was not their biological child.

In some states this won't change child support, if your DH was married to the mother at the time of the birth. While I can understand your resentment over child support for a child who is not biologically his, if he continues to view the child as his, then it would make sense that he wants to continue child support.

Is he a good Dad to your mutual child and is he a good husband? Do you have lots of issues with your SS or BM? If their are difficulties, then I can understand how this would make it harder to deal with.

Ntmtoskids's picture

Submitted by Ntmtoskids on Tue, 08/13/2024 - 11:01am

The child has a right to know who his biological family is. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 08/13/2024 - 7:33am

How old is his child with BM (or not with BM as the case may be?).  Is there another potential father that is on deck to want to be recognized?

If the child is older.. it's possible that this won't change much legally.. but would be somewhat good to know for future health issues that could be genetic.

If your husband has raised this child for year as his own.. I would not expect him to do a 180 and forget the child ever existed..  legally, I'm not sure if he would have to do anything like adoption if paternity is different though.

I don't see how it's necessarily unfair to you that he did or did not have another child.. you got into the relationship and had a child.. knowing he had a child.. so the possibility that the child may not be biologically his.. doesn't change the fact that you knew he had that oblgation prior.. and you know he plans to uphold that obligation.. your circumstances haven't changed

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Tue, 08/13/2024 - 9:03am

I don't see how it's necessarily unfair to you that he did or did not have another child.
 

I could be wrong but I'm guessing it would seem unfair if the man finds out the kid is not his but still continues to expend resources on the kid and maybe the op sees this as taking away resources from their bio kid together. 

Taking care of a non bio kid who has a living bio mom also can cause friction (as we all know many of these exes are several fries short of a happy meal). Dealing with resources like child support / money going into another woman's household is not for the faint hearted (as we know Disneyland dads spend above and beyond to the detriment of their current household).
 

Not to mention if the kid isn't his but he still acts as father, he has to remain in constant contact with another woman and it's a coin toss if this woman/kids bio mom will be an asset or a liability/constant PITA

Also the time, expense, and energy going into administering a DNA test just to keep doing what he's already doing so seems wasteful in and of itself. Usually these tests (if proven not the bio parent) help people change the course of what they've been doing. If he plans to keep doing what he's already doing then he doesn't necessarily need a dna test. 
 

 I can see where someone would feel that things are unfair in a scenario like this although it's not the kids fault though but we are human 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 08/13/2024 - 9:03am

But to raise a kid who isn't a bio of DH kid.  Someone BM cheated with.  I don't know how I would actually feel about it.  One thing I learn In life is don't tell how you feel until it's you.   I didn't know how I  felt  about being a SP  until I became one.  I would not know how I feel until I was raising a kid from another man who was cheating with my wife.   When the other man is getting away Scot free. No CS. his [wife] not knowing about his cheating.   
As a SP I would not be happy. Bad enough I have to pay for bio SK. But to pay for a non bio child   Big No  big fat no.  For all of you who said it shouldn't change. Please send money to.   To back up your thinking.  Non of you will 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 08/13/2024 - 11:19am

While I think its good for the child to know who the bio parents are (health reasons etc), if your husband loves this child like his own, thats one thing. If he spoils and caters to this child and then gives no attention to his bio child with you thats a whole different thing.

Can you give us more details?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 08/18/2024 - 11:36pm

It it turns out that the SKid is not biologically your DH's, hopefully he makes the destruction of his X his fondest life long hobby including fraud charges, lawsuits recovering every cent he has ever spent with penalties and interest, and punitive damages for emotional pain and suffering. 

No need to dump the kid. I raised my SS-32 as my own from the toddler stage and he is mine.  Had his mom turned out to not be the incredible person that she is, he would still be mine even if his mom and I had not made it.  At least I like to think that our relationship would have survived had that happened.

Blessedly, that has not been the case for our family.