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Blended Family Failure

alwaysfamilydrama's picture

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I need an outlet and a stranger's opinion, that's an outsider. I have been with my husband for almost 9 yrs and married 4 out of the 9. This is our second marriage, for both of us. I sit here daily and ask myself, if I've done the right thing in getting married a second time around. First, my husband and I , just the two of us, are great! Couldn't have picked a better husband for myself, but he sucks at being a father to both his daughter's and is not a stepfather to my son or daughter. He just can't deal with anything. His ex wife has been a nightmare from day one. He's the one that left their marriage after 10 yrs. She's is the most vindictive person, I've ever came across. She refuses to work. Barely worked through their marriage. Lives off the government, her dad and my husband's child support. This Christmas, she has asked her church for donations, for gifts, for her two daughters, because she refuses to work and support them. She has came after us, for anything and everything she can. She even wanted a percentage of my husband's quarterly bonuses, that are just 200.00 before taxes. She always uses her children as pawns and gets them against their own father. Lies after lies through the years. She left her girls on our doorstep, stating that she cannot do it anymore. They were with us for 3 months through the holidays and refused to see them. When she would talk to them on the phone, she would try and tell them that their dad was keeping them from her!! So, we got an attorney and was trying to get full custody of both the girls. Once she found out that she would No longer get child support, she wanted them back ASAP and demanded the clothes that I bought both girls for school, because they were only dropped off with 3pairs each. We couldn't take it further in court, because we were tapped out on money, trying to support4 kids. We spent thousands. So, she got them back and was the greatest mother. My husband's youngest daughter, now 12...been around her since she was 4, is a complete nightmare. She has a ton of emotional issues. Her mom has had her on meds for ADHD and other things...always brings a bag of meds to take with her. Crazy! This cold is still developing! How can a mother put their child on any meds, without a true diagnosis?? Well, she's 12 now and has been diagnosed with bipolar, ADD and some other behavioral issue. I wonder why?? I blame both my husband and his ex. My husband has never had a backbone, when it comes to his ex. Has never had a backbone with his 2 daughter's either..both now, 12 and 17. It has been a complete nightmare. He doesn't have a relationship with my 20yr old daughter, or my 14 yr old son. They don't respect him. He's never put the time and effort into a true relationship with either of them, like I have with his daughter's. When his daughter's would come to our home, they had their own room, dinner meals were planned around them and I would refuse to do any family activities without then here, because I wanted them to feel that this was their home too. That backfired. No matter how much I tried, I would get a knife in my back from his kids. The ex wife didn't like us having a relationship. She would get jealous and all hell would break loose. Just 6 months ago...she tried saying that my son had sexually molested her youngest because of all her emotional and sexual problems!!! Let me tell you...every weekend his girls would come over, my son didn't want to be home around then. Especially the youngest one. He couldn't stand her because she always lied, would try and set him up. So, he would leave and be at a friend's house the majority of the weekend. That really sucked for me, because I work full time and the weekend I could spend with my kids. Finally, when the ex tried accusing my son...I said no more. I can't have your daughter around my son, to ruin his life. The daughter lies all the time and so does the mother. They can't be trusted. So, its been almost 2yrs now, where his girls have not been in my home for a weekend. We're going to try this coming weekend to have his youngest over for a night, but my son will be away at his dad's home. I have so many mixed feelings. I feel its going to be the same old bullcrap, of her throwing tantrums and wanting to call her mom over nothing!!! Happened every weekend we had her. My husband allows her to call her mom, then he and I argue. I think she shouldn't be aloud to call her mom and complain about nothing and lie about what is truly going on. Its just always her behavior. I have resentment towards my husband because he's too immature to standup and be a true parent. Oh, yea...let me add...about 6 months ago..I got into it with my mother in law. My husband has had issues with her in the past not being a grandmother, or hacking time for family. She knows some of the details of all this crap through the years, but not all of them. Honestly, the kids only see her about 5x a yr and we only live 20mins from each other. She would pick one night out of the whole year to have his girls stay at her home and act like she's the greatest grandmother! Lol! She's highly selfish. Well, since all hell broke loose around the holidays with his 2 girls, she decided to put her nose in and act like she knows what's going on. I gave her an earful and told her she's not a mother or grandmother because no one ever sees her. She didn't like that of course, so she decided to befriend my husband's ex wife, knowing what hell she's put us through all these years. This is the woman that would say such evil and poor things about my husband's ex wife, but now they're friend's?? I told her that it was the biggest betrayal she could do against her son and she told me that she refuses to end her friendship with his ex. I proceeded to tell her that I could no longer have a relationship with her because she was the biggest hypocrite and for her to treat her son like that, was terrible. So, she and I are no longer speaking. I despise his mother, his ex wife and both his daughter's. I feel like maybe I shouldn't feel this way? Maybe the problem is me? What do you think??? Please help!!

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Spineless Dad + narcisstic ex + unloving mother + PASed daughters = endless heartache for you.

This isn't your doing. This was going to happen whether you were in the picture or not.

You DO NOT have to have a relationship with his daughters. In fact, I'd encourage you to fully disengage. If his daughter will be there this weekend, go stay at a hotel. Spend the whole day out of the house. Avoid her and her lies, and don't be alone with her.

Your number one job is to protect your kids. Your number two is to protect yourself. If your husband can't or won't be a father who stands up to his ex for the sake of his children, then you need to keep you and yours safe. You're doing a good job by keeping your son away. Keep yourself away from his kids, too. They can lie about you just as easily as they can lie about your son, so don't give them the opportunity.

If it were me, the first false accusations would have me separating. I may continue dating my husband, but I wouldn't live with him. His kids do need him, and I wouldn't want to keep his home closed to them. However, I wouldn't put myself in a position to get skewered.

You aren't the problem. You're taking some good steps to protect yourself. It's your choice if you want to take the further step of separating households until all the kids are grown. There are a few folks on this board who have done that to save their marriages. It's up to you whether you think you want or need to.

Also, it's totally fine that your DH doesn't have a relationship with your kids. Every stepparent gets to choose how engaged they will be with their step kids. He has chosen not to be engaged, which given his lack of spine, is probably for the best.

leather64's picture

Good advice from lieutenant_dad! Sadly, your situation is very similar to mine and what I have and continue to deal with. I remarried with 2 daughters, and my husband had custody of his 2 daughters. I was always doing something wrong when it came to raising his daughters, or honestly we just had different parenting styles. I never felt respected in the stepmother role, and I struggled for years with many things you mention.
The best thing to do is disengage from your stepdaughters' and don't allow yourself to be alone with them for your protection. Your priority should be to protect your son who is still at home, and then keeping yourself out of their drama. Eliminate your exposure to them, and don't fuel their fire. I feel your pain, but it will get better if you follow this advice.

Recently I started listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger who made me realize My husband is a limp "d**k" and I chose wrong. Had I listened to her years ago, I would have never dated him in the first place. She has very valid points about dating after a divorce and creating a salad family. They don't work 80% of the cases, and I believe her. I could easily be one of the 80%, but thankfully I hung in there because I took a vow and that's important to me.

mommadukes2015's picture

When things get this complicated you need to do an inventory.

Your priorities seem to be:
Protect your children (which you have by making sure BS is not exposed to this and is unable to be weaponized by BM)
- IMHO as far as your kids' relationship with him, you can't force people to engage with one another. If your kids are okay with it and he's okay with it-just leave it be. It sounds like they do have their father in their lives, so there isn't really shoes for your DH to fill. As much as everyone would love them to have a great relationship we need not confuse our ideal wants with our needs.

Protect your marriage. This one is a little more complicated.
-obviously you love your DH and have taken some hits on the chin over the years for him. If your relationship with him is fine apart from ex drama the best thing you can do is put SD and BM at arms length from you while providing support to your DH. Your job isn't to incorporate SD into your family anymore. You tried and it didn't work out. Now, you just need be a listening ear and a leaning post for DH. Do what you normally would do and if he's screwing up as a parent, you just need to let him and be there to listen. If he tried to bring you in or ask your opinion just tell him you're interest is supporting him, but you don't known the answers to this either.

Its normal to be concerned, the anxiety you have seems grounded in legitimate concerns. Don't let a 12 year old rattle your cage. The more calm and Level headed you are the harder it will be for her to paint you as the problem. Don't lose sight of your priorities.

alwaysfamilydrama's picture

You're exactly right. I just need to hold my sharp tongue, from here on out. It's very hard for me to do this, with everything that has happened, but would be for the best

mommadukes2015's picture

Take a deep breath. Find your zen. You've got this. Remind yourself what is at stake and what your priorities are:

Your kids
Your husband

Bit most importantly yourself and your peace.

alwaysfamilydrama's picture

Thank you very much! You're so right. Being able to talk about these issues, really helps. Thanks for being a listening ear. I think I will talk to my husband tonight, about not having my SD over this coming weekend. It's already giving me anxiety and quite frankly, I don't want to leave my home, with so much to do. I know myself, I will hold onto resentment more and more, if this becomes a regularoccurrence. It makes me feel horrible for my husband, that I don't want his children in our home, but it will ruin me in the end because this girl is also a thief. I will constantly think what she's taking out of my home, while I'm away, for her to be there.

mommadukes2015's picture

I can just tell you from experience that he's probably not going to be very happy about banishing her from his house. Maybe approach the situation as a "we need more time to discuss this because I'm uncomfortable for ABC reasons right now"

alwaysfamilydrama's picture

Thank you for your comment. Those are my exact feelings and I feel sometimes that I'm the crazy one. It's hard for me to let go of all this resentment I have inside. Honestly, I don't want either of his children, or his mother in my home. I feel that this is my security and my son's. Why should I allow them in my home and I'm the one that has to leave? I understand that this is my husband's home as well, but we're in this position because of him, his daughter's, his ex and mother. He's been spending time with his kids 2x a week, outside our home. But, a few months ago, I find out he's been in his ex's home, while she's there, spending time with his youngest and helping her clean her room!! I was livid that he could even be inside her home after the person she is! Then again, maybe it's my fault because his kids can't come her?? I just don't know...

mommadukes2015's picture

Anytime. But remember not to over complicate things. Your goal is peace in your home. Should you have to leave your own home? Probably not. But fro you want to be right or be happy? Sometimes that quesarion isn't easy-but if leaving for a few hours maintains peace in your life-how much does it matter? You have to decide.

My SO visits SD at her home where her mother lives all the time. BM2 is not my favorite person, but she's not my problem. I support SO seeing his daughter and I trust him so for me its not an issue. Sometimes!ex they just fro what they've gotta do and as hard as it is we need to try to understand that to an extent.

skatermom's picture

I wouldn't leave or make your son leave, but be very observant and aware of what the 12 year old is doing at all times. Her bedroom door stays open all the time and you make frequent walks around the house to check things out.

Also, disengage completely from her, don't fix her food, do her laundry, nothing. If you do catch her in lies, call up BM, put her on speaker phone and ask BM what was said to her and just bust SD out right there, with everyone listening. This is how we caught SD10s lying. They were telling their mother that my daughters were slapping them in the face daily and repeatedly. We had all parties present and I asked them, "Ok now what happened?" They couldn't get out of it. "Oh, I thought she hit us" okaaaaay. Just be very alert and aware and don't let her get away with anything!