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HELFING ME NOT GET A DIVORCE

allinall's picture

Thanks peeps for the advice. It seems that most of you made the DECISION to be happy in your marriages. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to shed my husband in a totally bad light. He's a good man...he just lets bm take advantage of him (I don't think this JUST started when I came into the picture) I think he's always been afraid of her...and believe me...she's a scary looking individual with a bad attitude. (Just STREET/Ghetto) LOL! Anyway, I've done some disengaging, but probably not enough. I am territorial and competitive and sometimes vengeful when it comes to bad stuff that happened in the passed with him and her. I do bring up a lot of things involving issues we've had in the past revolving around her. I just want to make sure he realizes I haven't forgotten that stuff even though it may appear we've moved past it. I also hear a lot of you all saying that actually LEAVE your homes to do your own thing when Sk is around. I need to be mature enough to that, because you all are the ones that seem to have healthy marriages. I just have the current mindset of "this is MY house...if YOU don't like it then YOU (and your son) leave". But maybe if I try something different like what you guys are doing things may get better. I think he does kind of see the results of letting her do what she wants. Clearly she's a bad decision-maker when it comes to child raising. But, I'll just let him deal with that!!!!!

Comments

Agent_Lovely's picture

most of our husbands are really good men. they're just misguided and lacking a spine. doesn't make them bad people...just makes them pushovers.the sooner we allow them to grow their own backbone and reattach their balls, the better off we'll be.

Ifeeya's picture

Agent_Lovely,

I hate to bust your bubble. But, they are not. Think about it: if they were really good men, why lay down with BM. I know, I know. You might say something like, it was lust!

Booloney! The DH chose that. The DH made a choice to lay down with the BM. That is a clear sign of someone making poor judgement in life. Every time, when the DH tells you that he never understood "love" until they met you, etc. That is booloney too.

The DH understood "love" the first time they lay with the BM. Now, you have to be the second best. The DH is more clever than you are giving them credits for.

Agent_Lovely's picture

wow could you BE any more high and mighty? lol sorry but seriously!

everyone makes mistakes...and people are capable of changing their ways if they want to.

And speak for yourself when calling someone second best. If you choose to think negatively of your husband then so be it. I for one know my husband better than anyone else on this earth and I know why he did the things he did and made the choices that he made.

EVERYONE makes poor judgment in life...it's called growing up. It happens to the best of us. Can you honestly say you've never had poor judgment? If you can, then you shouldn't be here with the likes of us other stepmoms.

Ifeeya's picture

Agent_Lovely - I am sorry you took it personal. What I wrote for meant to be a generalization, and not directed at you. I think we would like to think we know our partner better than the exes. But, that is simply not true.

I mean: if that is the case, then how can the BM knows what button to push to get the DH excited and mad? Right?

It is an illusion to think we know more about our partner. An illusion, I tell you.

VioletsareBlue's picture

Wow.
My husband is a very good man. Just because he once married an idiot doesn't mean he is a bad person or could somehow see into the future as to what would change.

Ifeeya's picture

VioletsareBlue - no body said anything about someone who was once married a bad person. it just meant that a once married DH will have drama. Furthermore, because he re-married you it could also mean that he will re-marry another person again if you and the DH does not work out. Scary huh?

NoDramaMama's picture

Why couldn't it be true that we know our partner better than the exes? We are the ones currently with our partner, not the ex...we are learning things about our husbands that their exes have no clue about. The ex may have known things about our partner in the past, but this is the present, in which they are not apart of.

Ifeeya's picture

Partly true BECAUSE they will continue to be a part of your life! You know it! They will make your life miserable, so this is how they will continue to be a part of your PRESENT life. The point is they will NEVER go away!

It is a WAR. But, the sad part is, we are choosing to be entangled in that WAR. Sad huh?

z3girl's picture

I don't agree with this. Now that SD20 is in college, DH NEVER speaks to BM, and rarely ever hears from her. All he gets is the tuition bill in the mail. Even before SD graduated high school, BM and DH had little to do with each other. Yes, in the past 5 years, I do know more about DH than BM!

Like I'm sure many here can say, my DH married BM when he was young and didn't know better. He told me he thought that it couldn't get better. He simply wasn't patient and since all of his friends were getting married, he thought he should too.

There is NO WAY I would ever consider myself second to BM.

This is also not a war. It is harder for people with younger skids, but it does get better. It may take disengaging, but it's the relationships we have with our DH's that count, nothing else.

Your negativity is really quite surprising. Your comments don't sound very supportive.

Ifeeya's picture

To think that DH is completely innocent is a little naive. No body gains in the second marriage. It is hurting every one: if not you, then the children, if not the children, then the DH, if not the DH, than you, and as much as we all hate to agree it is hurting the BM too.

There is no benefits for anyone in the second marriage: it is hurting every one involved.

You said, you only care about your relationship with the DH. That is very selfish. What's about the children-your own children. You are teaching them that marrying a DH with kids is OK. They will see that.

VioletsareBlue's picture

I don't think that most of the BMs were crazy psycho bitches when our DHs met and married them. That psycho shit came out later (for the most part. I had an abusive asshole for a first husband does that make me a bad person?

Ifeeya's picture

"I don't think that most of the BMs were crazy psycho bitches when our DHs met and married them. That psycho shit came out later"

Yeah, and it is the DH who turned the BM this way. To think that DH is completely innocent is a little naive.

Ifeeya's picture

I hope you are right and I hope your DH won't leave you for someone else eventually. I wish you the best.

Ifeeya's picture

I am so very sad... I am sorry this will be long Sad
Submitted by majka on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 6:33am
I was going to post this on ana maria’s blog, but decided to not be a blog stealer and post my own. Anyway, the point of this is to just get it out… I am hurting, so terribly badly and there is nothing that I can do about it, because I have made my bed, and now I must lay in it.

But a word of advice, given in desperation to everyone who is engaged, or dating someone with children… for anyone who is not bound by a marriage certificate and vows... run. If given the opportunity, I would never go through this again. The situation that I am in is not NEARLY as bad as some peoples, but I still am miserable.

I spend my life trying to pretend that I am not in this situation. I have created a delusional world where I tell myself that I am happy, and my husband and I am good… but if we are being honest, I have come to the conclusion that no one wins in divorce or second marriages, no one.

Here is my list of why:
My husband – He does not win because he has given himself to two women for marriage, and now does not even get to see his children. He sends to them SO MUCH MONEY every month, for what? To be able to see them once or twice A YEAR?! All he has ever wanted to be is a father, and here he has two children, but because he chose to lay with someone he now hates, he never gets to see them, and that is heartbreaking.

His ex-wife – Nope, she doesn’t win either. She is so resentful, and sad. No one should live like that. I feel bad for her actually, because if someone reacts the way that she does, they must be miserable.

His children – they do not win. They love their father, and their father loves them, but because of the situation, he is not able to be there for them, and every child needs a father. Plus, I fear how they will turn our being raised by someone with no morals.

And finally me. I do not win either. Yes I am with the love of my life, but if we are speaking honestly, I do not wish to be a second wife. I wanted to be the first. I wanted to experience marriage and life with someone in the same situation, and give myself equally to the man that I love. I believe that marriage is sacred, and I feel that because my husband was bound to someone else in marriage, that we are actually sinning by being married. I know that many will not agree with me, but this is weighing on my heart.

I am constantly feeling like he is seeing another woman because aren’t these the signs: Leaving the room to talk on the phone, trips away, text messages, emails, money missing from the accounts, and the mood swings my goodness…. Isn’t this all what happens when someone sees another? Only in my case, it is his ex wife. I will never be rid of her. Our marriage will never be sacred. I do not even know if we are blessed in the eyes of God or not, and that is something that is extremely important to me.

I do not wish to raise someone else’s children. Because he has children, and gives so much money to them each month… how is it even possible for us to bear children!? I am not getting any younger, and yes, despite the fact that I always say I do not want children… I do. I really really do. But it is not feasible for us to have children, and honestly, I do not think it would be a good thing. I feel that my husband would feel guilty that he could not really father the children he already has, and those feelings would negatively affect our family. I want my child to actually have a father present… not one that is worried about his other children.

I do not wish to be tied to a woman that if we were not connected by my husband I would NEVER have any workings with, because, frankly, she is just a bad person. She is in my life forever… when a normal relationship normally ends… the ex eventually fades away, becomes a non issue… when there are children involved, the ex never fades away. She is always present and always an issue. I want a marriage that is between my husband and me, not my husband, his ex wife the first, and me, the little quiet shadow. I will never have significant influence over anything. Where we live, what we earn, if we travel or not, our money our marriage… nothing.

People on steptalk, I made a big mistake. I listened to my heart and not my head, and now as we approach yet another marriage anniversary, my heart is telling me something else… my heart is telling me it is broken, that we did not think this through well enough, that now this is our life forever, because like I stated already, I believe in marriage, and with the exception of abuse and infidelity, I am in this for life, but I am so hurt.

At any point in the day when I allow myself to think about my situation, I could burst into tears. I am fat, sad, and miserable. A shell of the person that I used to be. I want to grow old with my husband, but I fear that my sadness and stress will overtake me long before my natural death.

I am not looking for advice, but instead, just looking perhaps for a hug, I am just so sad and I have no one else that I can talk about this with. I have no friends, and my family is not close. When I mention it to my husband, he gets so defensive, and tells me that I should just leave if I am that unhappy, but that is not the answer. I pray, but I feel that since I am in this marriage, and the drama that surrounds it that he does not answer me. I have not heard the voice of God since I have gotten married, and that scares me.

Anyway, this has gotten too long, but it feels good to get it out. While I do not post often, I love this site, check it every single day, and draw on all of the support. Thank you.

Majka

Ifeeya's picture

The reality of the situation is this: a person with kids will have baggage. So, when we make a choice to be with someone with kids, having to deal with these baggages is quite frankly unavoidable. I think when DH CHOSE to be with the BM in the past, it does not make the DH a BAD person. It just made the DH as someone who made POOR judgement.

I think too many of us think that we can change someone else; too many of us believe that we can rescue them. Another reality is that: we can't. We cannot do neither one of those things. We believe that we change fix a person better that they used to be. You will be in a big shocker if you think that you can change a person.

Cocoa's picture

my husband changed. i didn't change him, his love for me changed him and he became/is becoming the man i need him to be. i was very naive when it came to a man with children when we met. i finally figured out that i couldn't continue the way things were. yep, he was a man that made VERY poor choices in his life (and not just finding the mother of his children under a rock). but i think he's seeing our marriage as the one RIGHT thing he did. it all comes down to whether or not he WANTS to change. my dh HAD to or lose me, bottom line.

Ifeeya's picture

I am so very sad... I am sorry this will be long Sad
Submitted by majka on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 6:33am
I was going to post this on ana maria’s blog, but decided to not be a blog stealer and post my own. Anyway, the point of this is to just get it out… I am hurting, so terribly badly and there is nothing that I can do about it, because I have made my bed, and now I must lay in it.

But a word of advice, given in desperation to everyone who is engaged, or dating someone with children… for anyone who is not bound by a marriage certificate and vows... run. If given the opportunity, I would never go through this again. The situation that I am in is not NEARLY as bad as some peoples, but I still am miserable.

I spend my life trying to pretend that I am not in this situation. I have created a delusional world where I tell myself that I am happy, and my husband and I am good… but if we are being honest, I have come to the conclusion that no one wins in divorce or second marriages, no one.

Here is my list of why:
My husband – He does not win because he has given himself to two women for marriage, and now does not even get to see his children. He sends to them SO MUCH MONEY every month, for what? To be able to see them once or twice A YEAR?! All he has ever wanted to be is a father, and here he has two children, but because he chose to lay with someone he now hates, he never gets to see them, and that is heartbreaking.

His ex-wife – Nope, she doesn’t win either. She is so resentful, and sad. No one should live like that. I feel bad for her actually, because if someone reacts the way that she does, they must be miserable.

His children – they do not win. They love their father, and their father loves them, but because of the situation, he is not able to be there for them, and every child needs a father. Plus, I fear how they will turn our being raised by someone with no morals.

And finally me. I do not win either. Yes I am with the love of my life, but if we are speaking honestly, I do not wish to be a second wife. I wanted to be the first. I wanted to experience marriage and life with someone in the same situation, and give myself equally to the man that I love. I believe that marriage is sacred, and I feel that because my husband was bound to someone else in marriage, that we are actually sinning by being married. I know that many will not agree with me, but this is weighing on my heart.

I am constantly feeling like he is seeing another woman because aren’t these the signs: Leaving the room to talk on the phone, trips away, text messages, emails, money missing from the accounts, and the mood swings my goodness…. Isn’t this all what happens when someone sees another? Only in my case, it is his ex wife. I will never be rid of her. Our marriage will never be sacred. I do not even know if we are blessed in the eyes of God or not, and that is something that is extremely important to me.

I do not wish to raise someone else’s children. Because he has children, and gives so much money to them each month… how is it even possible for us to bear children!? I am not getting any younger, and yes, despite the fact that I always say I do not want children… I do. I really really do. But it is not feasible for us to have children, and honestly, I do not think it would be a good thing. I feel that my husband would feel guilty that he could not really father the children he already has, and those feelings would negatively affect our family. I want my child to actually have a father present… not one that is worried about his other children.

I do not wish to be tied to a woman that if we were not connected by my husband I would NEVER have any workings with, because, frankly, she is just a bad person. She is in my life forever… when a normal relationship normally ends… the ex eventually fades away, becomes a non issue… when there are children involved, the ex never fades away. She is always present and always an issue. I want a marriage that is between my husband and me, not my husband, his ex wife the first, and me, the little quiet shadow. I will never have significant influence over anything. Where we live, what we earn, if we travel or not, our money our marriage… nothing.

People on steptalk, I made a big mistake. I listened to my heart and not my head, and now as we approach yet another marriage anniversary, my heart is telling me something else… my heart is telling me it is broken, that we did not think this through well enough, that now this is our life forever, because like I stated already, I believe in marriage, and with the exception of abuse and infidelity, I am in this for life, but I am so hurt.

At any point in the day when I allow myself to think about my situation, I could burst into tears. I am fat, sad, and miserable. A shell of the person that I used to be. I want to grow old with my husband, but I fear that my sadness and stress will overtake me long before my natural death.

I am not looking for advice, but instead, just looking perhaps for a hug, I am just so sad and I have no one else that I can talk about this with. I have no friends, and my family is not close. When I mention it to my husband, he gets so defensive, and tells me that I should just leave if I am that unhappy, but that is not the answer. I pray, but I feel that since I am in this marriage, and the drama that surrounds it that he does not answer me. I have not heard the voice of God since I have gotten married, and that scares me.

Anyway, this has gotten too long, but it feels good to get it out. While I do not post often, I love this site, check it every single day, and draw on all of the support. Thank you.

Majka