Sometimes ya don't know what ya got til it's gone.

Because men understand actions better than words. Because he was in denial. Because he wasn't paying attention. Because he didn't believe you. Because now that he's alone with his kid he doesn't have you to blame or to deflect his attention from kid's real issues.

Good luck with this. Sad, sad time. Only you know if it's worth going to therapist with him or not.

I know you are hurting and the seperation is still fresh.

You need to decide if you want a future with this man. He will need to do all the hard work to fix the mess relating to his parenting and commitment to you. It's taken throwing him out for him to realise he is lacking. It may be that he is doing these things now to get you back- not because it is the right thing to do. He needs to get his daughters behavior sorted, he needs to be able to parent and discipline, he needs to be your partner. He already showed you who he is, do you believe he can change?

If you don't want a future with him, cut all communication with him. This is hard but is necessary for you to move on.

Please remember that sometimes we hold on to the past - a failed past so tightly- we fail to see a better future. You need to decide if your future is without him. If so, the hurt you feel now must be experienced to have a better future.

If you don't go to couples counseling consider going on your own. You don't want the "what-if's" to draw you back in years down the road. With a professional's opinion perhaps they can assist.
It really is sad that he didn't wise up until now but sometimes that is the way it goes. No matter what happens I hope that you can be happy!

The day after I broke up with my BF he called to let me know all the changes he was going to make with parenting his son.

Like one of the above poster said, men only understand actions, not words. Unfortunately, are you going to have to take such drastic actions every time you need him to listen to you and make changes?

"it shouldn't have taken me putting him out to do the few things I told him were important to me" Bingo. I said almost the exact same thing to exBF.

Of course you still love him, I still loved my exBF. But I knew love was not enough. Hang in there, it gets a little bit better with every day that passes.

You shocked him by ending the relationship. He can finally see all the bullshit he's been allowing and feels like he really let you down. Which he did. He can't scapegoat you and your "insecurity" and you "not liking SD" for all the problems if you're not there. He had the "oh shit" moment that he's had coming for quite a while.

I agree that I felt like he moved out really fast. How was that even possible?

Here is what I would do if he were a really special guy and if our relationship was a good one outside of SD and BM issues:

1) Harden heart because disappointment may be around the bend
2) Tell him you will think about counseling. Then think about it. This has the advantage of letting him sweat it out a little.
3) Agree to go to counseling, but the counselor has to be well versed in stepfamily dynamics or you won't go.
4) Tell him that if you go to counseling, he has to do something for you, which is to read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin.
5) Go to counseling with a hardened heart.
6) Be honest about how you feel, about how you don't trust him, and how it hurts so bad that he is doing the things you asked him to do so many times only after you ended the relationship. What kind of partner is he that it takes ending it for him to finally take your needs and concerns seriously, and how could you ever trust him in the future? Can he emotionally separate you from BM or does he just think all women are the same and therefore doesn't give you a baseline level of respect and trust?
7) See how counseling goes. See if he continues to go the extra mile to earn your trust.

If the relationship were just average, if he wasn't that great of a guy, I'd just let it go without putting any more effort into it.

Girl this is what they do! You didn't get the memo?

At least your SO is doing something a day late. You would put up with many years of misery if you didn't flex your muscles and kick his ass out. Watch what he does next... this may have been a wake up call for him.

Mine wised up the two times I kicked him out...however, I did NOT make it easy for him to come back. There was a period of about 2-3 weeks after both times that he knew he was still in the doghouse paying for his lack of boundaries and self-respect. There were MANY long talks and follow-up. I won't tolerate a man who can't respect himself (with proper boundaries to keep out intrusive BM, whiny SD's and meddling MIL) because frankly, I'm a catch and I can only admire an equal. Until SO stops giving up his power to these other bitches, he's nothing more than a place filler, an experience. My heart is not all the way open as it's been with other men I've dated. Now that I've dated both types, I can clearly say that a man with standards and self-respect is more valuable than a nice man. I'd rather have both rolled up in one, so that's a reason to stay with SO, but if he can't provide it.........

It is not fun to look at your man and see an utter lack of logic when we have a primal urge to look up to him. I hope your SO makes the changes he needs to make --- the first being completely cutting BM out of his life, followed closely by taking a parenting class (like Breakthrough Parenting) because he freakin' sucks as a dad.

I don't think you two need counseling...HE DOES. Or at least he needs to hang around some older married men. HE has a lot of work to do. Not you. You're here. You're getting therapy from this. You're smart. He's shown that he has more dumb moments than smart ones. HE needs to prove himself to you. Don't let him weasel out of that. You won't look bad for letting him back in. But please be cautious, chica. Your head is above your heart for a reason.

I am coming from a place of very little respect for your SO, and I'm sure he's not the cad I perceive through the filter that is ST. That being said....

Of COURSE he wants you back. He LIKED how it was. He wants to go BACK to how it was. He is NOT interested in making changes HE has to sustain. He IS interested in appeasing you (like how he appeased BM - sound familiar????) because that gets HIM off the hook.

If you think he *might* be better than all that, then here's some advice I read somewhere (lol, helpful, huh?):

Tell him you need some time to think things over. Tell him you need some time of no contact to reflect. Then write his name on your calendar 5-6 weeks ahead. And every time you think of him, want to call, reach out, email, whatever, then just journal instead. But limit the journaling, say 15 minutes after dinner or something.

When his name comes up on your calendar again, read your journal. Reflect on the changes you notice in what you think and feel. Then decide if you want to initiate contact again.

Then listen very carefully to him. Is SD still in counselling? What else has he done for her? What has he done to become a better parent? A better partner?

Then, use those big sexy brains of yours and decide whether he really is good enough to be your partner.

This is what I've done and have been doing.....you can also check my previous blogs for the whole story if you'd like.

SO and I broke up in May 2013. We continued to talk and text and then started "hanging out" and then we turned into a weekend thing. I got tired of that and the BS surrounding the skids and BM so I cut ties NYE last year.

SO started doing exactly what your SO is doing. Saying sweet things, sending emails with promises of things to do that I had been begging for him to do for 3 years, flowers, the whole bit. He actually started to FOLLOW THROUGH with his promises this year, in fact, he and BM have mediation tomorrow to settle custody and child support once and for all. I live at my place. He lives with skids at his place. We see each other on weekends, when skids usually are at BMs. Sometimes, when skids are with SO for the weekend, I do stuff with them, but ONLY if I want to. Everything is pretty much on my terms. I feel like I am in charge and holding all the cards.

This is OK with me, for now. I have lived on my own since my divorce 6 years ago. I like living alone with my furbabies. I do what I want, when I want. I am content, for now. I see my friends when I want, take vacations with my girlfriends, and still have a relationship with SO. If I decide tomorrow that I'm tired of this, then so be it, but for now, it works for me.

You do what works FOR YOU. What makes YOU happy. Even if it's a little unconventional.

Oh girl, life is too short for this crap.

Go find a new man with no children. Life will be so much better. You'd be crazy to let him back in. Fuck him and his asshole kid. You aren't even married. RUN!