My exH pulled a stunt last night and I'm scared I'm going to hurt this bastard
He and I have one child BD11, neither of us have any other children and never will at this stage in our lives. He lives an hour and a half away so he misses a lot of stuff for BD11 but in his defense I know he can't drive that far for every event she has. However yesterday was our daughters 5th grade graduation and her school had a big reception and graduation ceremony, it was just beautiful. ( I have never been a crier and cried like a baby). Anyways, this weekend is his EOW so he took her back to his house after the ceremony and luncheon. I'd like to mention this was a nice event and I had let him know ahead of time to dress accordingly. He showed up in a pair of wrinkled up old shorts and a ratty t-shirt and tennis shoes. He lives at home with his mother (he's 47) and I know she would have ironed her baby some proper clothes to wear! Anyways, so he takes our daughter home with him and by 6pm she calls me to say that he has already gone to bed and she's upset and bored and what should she do? Now she is an hour and a half away and calling me crying, as a mom that just broke my heart! I said have you tried waking him up? She said yes but that he was "just worn out from working all week". So I called his half sister who has a 5 year old and a 1 week old baby and asked if their was any way her husband would get my daughter and I will come today and get her from them. Of course they were more than happy to do whatever to help even though it's not their responsibility and they do have a brand new baby. When they picked her up, her dad wouldn't even get up or wake up. So that bastard calls me at 8:00am trying to cuss ME out asking where his daughter is! He thought I had come and gotten her without telling him. I was like she is at your sister's house because you wouldn't get the F up and spend time with her like you are supposed to do on your weekends. He tried to turn it around on me that I have spoiled her and she expects him to be at her beck and call. It was her 5th grade graduation day, she was emotional, some of her friends are going to different schools, she's going through those pre-teen hormones, cut her some damn slack! So am I a total bitch that I went the F off on him and I am driving to get her as soon as I get off work and just say F it for his weekend since I feel like he blew it?
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Leave her at dad's. She
Leave her at dad's. She needs to figure out how to self entertain. Fifth grade graduation? I'm not getting the significance. I don't know how hard your x works, but I know when my dh crashes it's for a damn good reason.
Hormones,recent events, etc. you're giving her reasons to be or become an entitled brat.
He didn't miss the
He didn't miss the graduation, he was there.
Grandma was out of town, it was just him and her.
He works regular shifts at a
He works regular shifts at a mill 730-3pm. I guess I just want better for her, it hurts my heart that on her special day he went to bed at 6pm leaving her alone. His parents aren't there this weekend and they live in a shady trailer park so she won't go outside and entertain herself like she would at home. I just wish he would do better. I guess you are right, I should leave her there but I'm guessing when it's his next weekend she is going to opt out of going.
There is no opt out. She is
There is no opt out. She is a child. She needs to spend time with her father. Period.
She doesn't get a vote in the arrangements until she is 18.
Mom unless he is abusing her, endangering her, or neglecting her you need to back off. Let him and her figure out their relationship without any "help" from you or you getting others to "help".
He's your ex for a reason and
He's your ex for a reason and sadly, these are the assholes we chose as fathers for our kids. Believe me when I say I think he's a prick too. I worry about my kiddo and loser DH when we split up. Ugh. I understand you would love for her to have a decent father, one who was a bit more concerned with her, but sadly, he'd be this same way whether he was with you or not…ugh…Some of these men just truly suck.
I want so much for he and I
I want so much for he and I to co-parent and be able to share pictures we take of her, feel comfortable if he does come to one of her events instead of him avoiding me like the plague, LOL, I feel like it's just so much better for the kids to see that even though the parents didn't stay married that they can come together for their child. But with him I know this just isn't going to happen. I'm trying to work with him and give him the opportunity to have visitation with her and get to know what an amazing kid he has. But I messed up this time and handled it badly. I wish it didn't have to be so hard, I see other families that have divorced co-parent and make it work.
Yup. It's fifth grade
Yup.
It's fifth grade graduation...get over it. She's old enough to read to herself or watch tv or whatever. She should be a hell of a lot more independent at this age.
She's my only child and the
She's my only child and the school made a big day out of this, moving on to the next step from elementary to middle school, so it was important whether you agree or not. And she is independent however they don't have a tv, no internet, and she does take books and puzzles with her. She's 11, she can be disappointed and upset that her dad was passed out by 6pm and she was sitting alone especially when of course he had made empty promises about what they would do if she came back with him after the reception.
Based on some comments, 5th
Based on some comments, 5th grade graduation is not celebrated or made to be a big deal but where we live all of the schools do it, and it's a big deal. The kids get very dressed up, their is a reception, etc... So I understand if you are not familiar with this or think it's silly but where we live it's a big deal and it was important to her.
When kids are overly-praised,
When kids are overly-praised, and given gifts for doing things that should just be expected of them, a lot of times they end up entitled and feeling as though the world should revolve around them. I've seen it happen so often.
It's different, say, if your child got the highest score in their grade for something, but 99% of kids move on from grade to grade.
They'll become alcoholics!
They'll become alcoholics! LOL!
Well I guess if he had made a
Well I guess if he had made a point to be a decent human being over the last 11 years he would get some say in the way I parent her but since he goes MIA, doesn't keep a job, jumps from one whore to the next, doesn't pay his child support, etc... I guess he doesn't get to say a damn thing now does he?
Because somewhere along the
Because somewhere along the line, some moronic, entitled adult decided giving everyone a participation award was a good goddamn idea.
I saw a class full of kindergartners with caps and gowns the other fricking day. If I were a parent with my kid in that class, I would have gone bat guano crazy on the teacher and administration for making something out of NOTHING.
The point of the original post was the fact the OP is trying to control her exH and how he spends his time with her kid. Unless he is endangering her, then the OP should mind her own business. Her daughter should be reprimanded for behaving like a brat.
I agree with everyone else.
I agree with everyone else. If there is a CO you simply can't do this. All of this is wrong & just silly. She was upset, so talk to her - have girl talk - give her ideas of things she can do. Send some stuff over there with her - idk nintendos or whatever kids play with lol. But do NOT have someone come & remove her from her fathers care while he is asleep. Do not go and pick her up without his permission. & do not let her 'opt out' of future visits. This wouldn't be viewed kindly by a judge. & this whole "It was her fifth grade graduation day!" Is silly too. Don't turn your kid into a brat. It's 5th grade. I apparently had an 'awesome' 5th grade graduation. It was the last year my elementary school was even open. I don't remember it AT ALL. -shrugs-
You interfered with his
You interfered with his custody time. She needs to learn how to take care of herself. It was just 5th grade...That is not even celebrated here.
You were wrong in what you did. On his time, he can do what he wants. As long as she is not in danger, you get no say.
I need to clarify this
I need to clarify this because some of you said I interfered with his custodial time. I have 100% full custody of our daughter because of his abuse in our marriage towards me not her, never having a steady place to live, job jumping, or living off whichever whore of the month, no car, in and out of jail for not paying child support, etc... The list just goes on and on. So I allow her to visit him EOW at this point because he is staying with his mom and that is at least safe. He has been in and out of our daughters life so much but she has wanted to get to know him better and as long as he is trying to do the right stuff I have let him visit with her EOW. The aunt I called is his half sister who is a wonderful person who I knew would make sure my daughter was ok. So maybe I am being a helicopter mom and should have made her tough it out, but I worry about her even being there.
I am not trying to get pounced on here, I just was upset about last night and hoped to get some support from other parents that are going through the drama with ex-H's and ex-W's.
Oh well. Thats a bit
Oh well. Thats a bit different.
Doesnt change my answer any. She still needs to be a lot more independent. Shes in 5th grade, she can entertain herself.
I worry about her going
I worry about her going period. But since he is living with his mom right now I do think it's safer. However, he failed to mention that his parents were not going to be in town this weekend. If his mother had been there my daughter wouldn't have even called me, but they are gone all weekend. I just didn't know that until last night.
This^^^^^ if he bitches and
This^^^^^ if he bitches and complains. Tell him to take you to court. I have a feeling from what you describe, he won't.
ripleyV2- Thank you so much!
ripleyV2-
Thank you so much! Apparently I'm being a crazy BM and my worthless ex-H is the victim in what happened??? I worry myself sick about her going to visit however as long as he is "trying" and BD11 WANTS to go, I will allow the visitations, I do believe every child should know their father and have some sort of relationship and I do not EVER bad mouth him to her, I am trying to allow her to make her own opinion of him.
His parents are usually there so if he does happen to go MIA (to bars, women, whatever) at least they are they play cards or checkers with her, take walks, just spend some nice quality time with her, but he didn't tell me they were away this weekend. I wish he could see what he is doing because he can't get time back once it's passed.
I do get mad about the women,
I do get mad about the women, the reason being he introduces them to our daughter if she is by chance visiting and then by the next time she visits that one is gone and onto the next. I just think it is confusing for kids to be exposed to that and that is certainly not the signal I want him to be showing our daughter.
At my house she goes out and
At my house she goes out and plays with the neighborhood kids, goes to the pool, reads, tv in her room, paints, whatever. At his house they don't have a tv, internet, and it's a shady area and she doesn't know any of those kids to go out and play. She does take puzzles and books with her. I do not have to entertain her at home, she has a variety of stuff she likes to do and is very independent. At his house her options are limited.
She and I have been on our own for so many years that she just knows that I always have her back. 2 years ago when my SO and I moved in together and his SD8 started staying with us 50/50 I joined this site but from time to time have questions and rants about my own ex-H in dealing with visitations, etc..
I agree and disagree....At
I agree and disagree....At 11, if I was there by myself, I probably would have called my mom too. Especially if she is there only EOWE. Every kid gets bored. I think it's a little harsh to say, she's 11, she needs to entertain herself. Well, they way kids these days entertain themselves is TV, games, etc. If my Dad fell asleep at 6pm, I'd be pretty upset and hurt. I would also feel horrible for leaving my child there too. BUT you need to tread lightly here. I feel like this is a tricky situation..
Why is it harsh? I was a
Why is it harsh? I was a latch key kid, I learned to entertain myself and I even had a twin sister, and we didnt end up codependent (ask any Mom of multiple births..that tends to happen) or depressed or whine whine whine sad face...whatever this generations therapist are using as the new buzz word for bored.
HE lives with his own Mother for godssake, the grandparents are there too, there is no reason for a child to be bored.
Sorry Op, I just dont feel for you on this one. From reading your past blogs and such this really seems like an over reaction for you honey.
Mama Fox- His parents weren't
Mama Fox-
His parents weren't there this time, I didn't know before I let her go.
You are right though, usually I am very black and white and let it roll off my back when stuff goes in a way I don't like. I think I'm feeling kind of emotional that my only child is going into middle school and I feel like I'm losing my baby. Then for her to call me upset just made it worse.
Fair enough dear. Buck up
Fair enough dear.
Buck up huh? You are creating a lovely young lady. Just sheath those Mama Bear claws a little bit. She'll be okay.
Because even though she is
Because even though she is 11, a child and sometimes children want that attention from their parents. If she is only seeing Dad EOWE, then he should have made some coffee and actually spend time with his daughter. I would get so mad at my SO, if he feel asleep at 6pm and left his daughter alone. He only gets so much time with her. I feel like this dad is lazy I work 6:30 to 3 every day, go home and clean (recently painted the living and dining room) and take care of my 6 month old. I am def not in bed by 6pm.
I was a latch key kid too, but that doesn't mean I didn't get bored.
Yeah I work my 40 hours a
Yeah I work my 40 hours a week and my BD11 is in sports, scouts, Girls in Action community service group, so once I get home and cook dinner and we go to different meetings and practices I get pretty tired too! SD8 is there 7 days on and 7 days off so that throws in another kiddo as well. I get to see my daughter daily, if I only saw her 4 days a month I think I would try hard to make that time count. I get to bed by 11 each night so that the clothes are washed, the house is clean, my work stuff is ready for the next day, lunches are packed, and I am up by 5. So I'm tired too, a lot! I guess I just think it was shitty.
I agree too, but I don't get
I agree too, but I don't get the impression that the OP is one of them.
Another vote for you
Another vote for you overreacting. Unless the child was in serious harm or danger, there was no reason you should have interfered. If we were talking about a 3-4 year old that would be one thing, but an 11 year old can certainly entertain herself for a few hours before bed.
Any other reasoning that you put behind it like it was an emotional day for her are just excuses. You could have very easily had a conversation on the phone with her to console her a bit and give her advice or ideas on what to do, but instead the helicopter parenting took over and you felt you had the rescue her from *gasp* being alone for a few hours. If the child was spending the weekend with her father, then there would have been other opportunities for them to spend time together and he did not need to entertain her 24/7 the entire time she was there.
"The guy was sleepy is all. "
"The guy was sleepy is all. " That is no excuse...I wake up tired, but that doesn't mean i just go to bed and leave my kid alone. There is this new thing call caffeine, it works pretty good.
"The guy was sleepy is all. "
"The guy was sleepy is all. " That is no excuse...I wake up tired, but that doesn't mean i just go to bed and leave my kid alone. There is this new thing call caffeine, it works pretty good.
Please accept the advice
Please accept the advice others gave you here, I believe that your intentions were good but your actions were wrong in my honest opinion. Its in her best interest to be instructed to find something to do instead of others racing to her aid and she wasn't even in danger in any way, shape, or form. Her dad took a nap and that is okay, he isn't your problem anymore and you really shouldn't turn your problem into your daughters problem.
If she were my daughter, I would have told her to find something to do or start cleaning the house. Its not easy telling your own kid to do that but it is what she needs to hear otherwise you will create a brat that can develop a trained personality disorder~ for lack of better words. Also, the shady tailor court comment, they are not as dangerous as a lot of people think. Do you know if background checks are done there?? If not, do find out. You can also look up registered sex offenders which are more apt to live in nicer neighborhoods bc of the background checks many tailor courts require. If the fear is more so about drugs, well drugs are everywhere and parents need to teach their kids what they can and most importantly, how to say "NO". I knew about needles by the time I was 6 years old, there was used needles on our sidewalks where I grew up.
I'd just be glad that you are no longer married to your ex anymore since you both have different ways and ideas but you both should support one anthers parenting and each others parenting time.
*sigh* There is not a damn
*sigh*
There is not a damn thing wrong with trailer parks.
Shit, they are safer then the apartment complexes here in town. At least at a trailer park they have you know...tornado shelters. They dont have those is 90% of apartment complexes here. (hey in oklahoma...that means something)
*nods* Didn't mean that as a
*nods* Didn't mean that as a direct reply to you WillTomorrow
Another random bit...I'm
Another random bit...I'm pretty damn excited to be getting a new mobile home. My/Our kids will have a yard and a swimming pool and it's a gated community with courtesy patrol by the local PD, AND it's in the best school district in the area.
And if or when we are ready for a regular house, I'm keeping the lot and mobile house in my name and using it as a source of income when I decide to retire. Pretty smart idea I think.
Hmm. Not knowing all the
Hmm. Not knowing all the particulars....
In that situation, I have been saving for a down payment on a larger house, and once I had that, I would set the trailer and lot up to lease at..Say 6-700 a month, that way shes "doubling" the income from that lease ...sort of. She puts half towards the lot rent and the rest into a Roth-IRA or savings account if she felt so inclined so that money would be making her even MORE money in the long run. And by the time she is ready to retire, they have a bit of equity in the big house, shes got the rent on the trailer and all the rest thats been sitting in the IRA or savings account drawing interest.
Yup, I'm a born oklahoma
Yup, I'm a born oklahoma girl, we take that very seriously. Wouldn't move there if each lot didnt have its own 4 person shelter.
I remember going to my dad's
I remember going to my dad's for visitation and feeling hurt when he would sleep or just stare at the tv. It wasn't that I needed to be entertained every minute, it was that I only saw him once a week and I felt like he didn't care enough to want to spend quality time with me.
I never called my mom to cry to her that I was bored though, it really was just that I felt he didn't care enough. I can see both sides of this situation.
He would do this almost every
He would do this almost every time, and it wasn't because he was exhausted, it was because HE was bored. He hardly ever did anything with me, I don't think he knew what to do. I would just sit there and watch tv while he slept.
He had a sit down desk job from 9-5.
I realize that the OP's daughter and my situations weren't exactly the same, but I'm always trying to put myself in the other person's shoes. Maybe the little girl was being kinda bratty cause she's used to always having fun things to do, or maybe her feelings were hurt that dad would rather sleep than spend the little amount of time with her that they get together, and instead of expressing these feelings, she just used the word 'bored'.
If this was just a one-time or very occasional occurrence, then yes, there was over-reacting.
You're right. This just
You're right.
This just shows how much you can project your own experiences into someone else's situation and form an opinion, which could end up being biased.
Yes, that may not have been
Yes, that may not have been the best way to handle things, and there's been some good advice on what can be done in the future.
BTW: 'Stuart's mom is chiming in!!! Hahaha...I didn't know she was so adamant about always being right!
Hehe! I hoped you'd get
Hehe! I hoped you'd get that!
I just spoke to my BD11, her
I just spoke to my BD11, her father is awake now and on his way to get her. I told her that I hope they had a nice visit and I would see her on Sunday when I pick her up and that upon some advice from "a few friends" I made a mistake last night and over reacted. I told her that I can't make the rules at his house or force him to do things and that she will need to find something to do if this happens again. That she can of course call me anytime if she needs to talk but I won't be having her Aunt come pick her up if Dad goes to bed early or she is "bored" from now on. She said she understands and I told her when she gets home we can talk more about it if she wants to.
I told her I let the emotions of the day and some things that are between her Dad and I cloud my judgement and that I was sorry for not setting a better example in how I handled the situation.
This is the whole reason I am on this site. I heard things today that was super helpful, things that pissed me off, things I found wrong, harsh, but this is why I'm here. I'm not a perfect parent, I screw up like we all do. But I posted this today because I needed some thoughts and ideas from neutral sources who are not involved personally. I got that. I know that my daughter knows I love here dearly and I always have her back, but I hope that I also showed her today that even moms make mistakes and have to say sorry and also that I can't always bail you out when things are not ideal.
So I appreciate all of your feedback on this subject.
LadyFace, Normally I'm a
LadyFace,
Normally I'm a very strong and rational woman (seriously I swear LOL). I've been accused of being too blunt of aggressive in my words at times so it's fine! I do turn into bitch mode dealing with BM on occasion which I do my best to let SO do that and keep all that to a minimum. However, yesterday I think I just lost my mind for a little while and was just filled with emotion. I appreciate the advice everyone gave. Like I said I try my hardest to do the right thing and work hard in raising a smart, independent, well rounded daughter, but I mess up at times and I have to be able to admit that and not repeat mistakes.
Well done!! ETA: 'Jinx'
Well done!!
ETA: 'Jinx' LadyFace!
-slow claps- "I'm not a
-slow claps-
"I'm not a perfect parent, I screw up like we all do." the difference between you & a lot of others is that you took a step back, looked at the situation & corrected it. & that is something to be applauded.
QueenBeau- Thanks! That is
QueenBeau-
Thanks! That is so nice of you to say.
I do not know anything about
I do not know anything about her dad but that girl has one kick a** mother! Excellent job...
I sure wish that more parents could be as open minded and willing to admit when they made a mistake as well as making wrong right the way you did. 
Starla- Ewww I really hate to
Starla-
Ewww I really hate to be wrong! But it appears when I screw up I do it up big haha. Man it was hard to tell my kid I messed up, but I know by her reaction on the phone and all of your responses it was the right thing to do and a little humility never hurt anyone. I feel so much better now that I talked to her and made an effort to correct my being an idiot last night. Glad my "friends" on here reminded me to dial back the crazy meter a little bit and look at the big picture.
Great summation.
Great summation.
Harsh is real. And sometimes
Harsh is real. And sometimes you can't sugarcoat a shit so it is what it is hahaha.
So I guess since she is going to stay I need to call SO and tell him we are going out tonight!
Woohoo!! Good job
Woohoo!! Good job Accordin2L!!!
Your daughters relationship
Your daughters relationship with her father is her business. Not yours.
Yep and I don't talk bad
Yep and I don't talk bad about him to her because I've wanted her to form her own relationship and opinion but I realized what I did yesterday was basically the same thing, I didn't have to say anything because I took control of the situation at his house on his time and I screwed up. I've spoken with her and I apologized for my bad behavior and explained even moms mess up.
That's great. I told this
That's great. I told this same thing to my fdh about bm and it brought him a lot of comfort
sueu2- Don't make me get
sueu2-
Don't make me get emotional and get tears in my eyes, you know it's not my best side HAHAHAAHAH
Thanks for your support!
I guess all us BM's can be a
I guess all us BM's can be a little crazy when it comes to our kids. I'm normally not an overly emotional person, yesterday just was overwhelming for me and I turned into a nut job BM that we all talk about! hahahah SD8 BM does stuff all the time I post about and we are all like NUTJOB, crazy B*tch! Yep that was me, I was a crazy BM for a minute, normal me is back! Thank goodness.
I'm sorry but I agree with
I'm sorry but I agree with you. Why did he take her at all of he is so dang tired? What kid truly wants to sit around and do nothing. If he only has EOW I'm sure there is limited things for her to even do. I get pissed when my DH has the skids and sleeps or sits in front of the TV. They are here EOW, sleep when they leave. They came to spend time with you! What kid would really cope well with being alone in a house with one sleeping parent at 6 pm!? Jmo!
I'm not say the reaction was
I'm not say the reaction was correct just that I agree with the frustration behind it. That's all. And yeah I didn't read the whole thread. And I said just my opinion.
Don't worry about it newbie,
Don't worry about it newbie, some people *cough* 1 person *cough*, is just a know-it-all bitch. I'm sorry, this is far from how I normally am, but to call someone's post 'crazy' just because they stated their opinion, esp. when it could actually make some sense, is just a real bitch move. IMHO of course.
I mean really, does she KNOW this guy?? Does she know how he is with his daughter on each visitation?? Who f'ing died and made her the queen of knowing everyone's personal business??
Oops, I got on a bit of a rant...didn't mean to aim it at you. I MUST learn how to skip over some posts.
Thanks! I was taken back by
Thanks! I was taken back by the HARSH comment. Just tried to say I agree with the feeling. I will wear my crazy hat proudly!
Lmao! Seriously laughing and
Lmao! Seriously laughing and the image that gave me!