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I don't understand people these days

3LittleDragonflies's picture

DH's 16 year old cousin got caught having sex and doing drugs with her 20 year old boyfriend. Apparently she got a firm lecture and a "don't do it again" and that was it.
Her mother and I were talking. I asked if she was still allowed around her boyfriend. "Yeah." Did you take away her phone since that's how she was contacting him to set up their "dates"? "No..." What about texting in the middle of church, can you at least take it away for that hour and a half? "Well we don't want her to feel we're picking on her..."

OMG DISCIPLINE the girl! Seriously, she's going down a very rotten path. Her grades have dropped, she NEVER smiles anymore, and she pouts through church and texts on her phone (she also refuses to sit next to DH and I in church because we've been known to pluck the phone out of her hands and tell her to pay attention, the pastor is talking to her). What the heck happened to the happy 14 year old who bounced around the house hanging Christmas ornaments and singing "Silent Night" at the top of her lungs? And WHAT happened to disciplining your teenager??


onebanana's picture

As for being allowed around the boyfriend, that's bad. He's doing drugs. Boyfriend, friend, brother, WHATEVER. If he does drugs, you keep him away from your kid no matter how pissed it makes the kid. She's going to be able to make her own choice about it very soon, but while she can't, it's something to take in your own hands, not let her decide. It's DRUGS. And it needs to be stopped if possible.

As for taking away her phone, maybe she needs it for contacting them, friends... Plus, she can set up dates in many other ways too. I do think taking her phone away wouldn't help at all.

As for church - well, she may not even be a believer or be in church willingly. If it was so - she wouldn't be on her phone in church. So I do think that she should not be forced to be in church, though if she chooses to go, she should leave the phone. As for you and your husband taking her phone - WHAT? If her parents won't discipline her, what makes you think you should?

What happened to the 14 year old? She got older and went on a bad path.
But that's not entirely her fault.

3LittleDragonflies's picture

I agree, boyfriend is BAD news.
She only uses her phone to post selfies and talk to her boyfriend on facebook. She doesn't seem to have any friends since she started dating this loser. I flat out told the kid when I met him "Look, I'm a year older than you. Where do you live?" "With my parents" Where do you work? "I'm unemployed" Do you go to college? "No." "So what DO you do?" "Play xBox."
And now he has Cousin doing drugs.
I took the phone away after her mother told me I had free reign to discipline her during church if I'd like. She started crying about how mean I was. Amusingly enough, that sermon was about purity and not doing drugs.
And I know it's not entirely her fault, I'm more annoyed that her parents are just sitting there with their thumbs up their butts going "What do we doooo?" while she's saying she doesn't care if she gets pregnant.

onebanana's picture

Stopped spending time with other people because of him?
Bad news certainly. They need to keep her away from him.

Her mother is allowing you to discipline her - that means she's just desperate for a ix but won't be the one to do it. Instead of disciplining her yourself, try to make her mother understand that she's the one that needs to do it.

lillfiredog's picture

My daughter has changed dramatically in the last 6 months too. She just turned 15. She nasty, moody, lazy and not pleasant to be around. I don't suspect drugs (she hangs around with my DH's sister and other DH family members)
Apparently this is how teens act, and we get to suck it up. I am about ready to blow, but my two SS who are also teens are never reprimanded for their nasty behaviour, it would sure be hard to discipline one and not the other two.
What to do? Good luck Dragonflies.

3LittleDragonflies's picture

Peer: n: one that is of equal standing with another : equal; especially : one belonging to the same societal group especially based on age, grade, or status

I have a 140 IQ and have spent 90% of my life with people 5-10 years older than me AT LEAST. Tell me again how a 16 year old child is my peer. Go ahead, judge me by a number I have no control over. I had graduated high school and was working 40 hours a week when I was just 5 months older than she is now AND I made a point NOT to have sex or do drugs because I wanted a future. A year older than she is now, I was in college, and had I not been raped I probably would still be there or would have graduated by now.

I'm sorry, in my opinion most 20 year olds should be at LEAST attempting to make their way in life. This guy had a job for JUST long enough to collect unemployment, which he spends the entirety of on weed. He lives in his parents' basement and has no desire to get a job or an education outside of playing video games. Tell me how HE is my peer.

hereiam's picture

"Well we don't want her to feel we're picking on her..."

This is some awesome parenting, right there.

If my 16 year old daughter was into drugs and sex (with a 20 year old, no doubt), she would feel more than picked on.

3LittleDragonflies's picture

That's pretty much how I feel! I'm shocked that her mother is just like "Oh well, what you gonna do?" about it.
Cousin won't even speak to me because all I said when I saw her was "I'm very disappointed in the choices you are making" and she stormed off.

hereiam's picture

Ha, put the 20 year old in jail for statutory rape, for one. That's what I would do about it.

Unfreakingreal's picture

It's very easy popping out a kid. The hard part is actually turning them into decent human beings.