How to be a good BM
A friend of mine is expecting. She will be a BM. She is not getting back with the father.
She was telling me today she doesn't want to be like BM or the other women we know. She wants to give the father every other weekend as soon as she and the baby can handle it and work up to 50/50 by the child's first birthday.
I gave her 3 "basic rules" for being a decent BM.
1. Love your child more than you hate your ex. No matter what.
2. Do not ever, EVER speak bad about the other parent where your child could hear/ find out.
3. That is your child, not your spouse. Remember that always.
Now that I've had time to think I'd add "Do not allow your guilt to parent" and "Do not be hurt by another loving your child".
What would you add?
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She's talking to start with,
She's talking to start with, she wants to work up to 50/50 by his first bday. I'll edit to reflect that, sorry for the confusion.
Well, with a newborn it will
Well, with a newborn it will also be dependent on breast-feeding. Once a feeding pattern is established and milk production is established it can be longer, but if breastfeeding probably a couple of hours everyday will work better.
I had to go away for a weekend when my son was 3 months old. I pumped religiously, but my milk quit. So, son had to go onto formula. Really sucked.
That is why I prefaced with
That is why I prefaced with the comment of if she breastfeeds.
Ya know some women just like
Ya know some women just like being dairy cows!
Due to a conflict with her
Due to a conflict with her medications, she is not planning to breastfeed. As she put it, "As much as I'd love built in squirt guns, it wouldn't be healthy for him."
If there is no breastfeeding,
If there is no breastfeeding, then I would suggest going for equal time as quickly as possible so the baby is familiar and bonded with both parental figures. Do not underestimate those early months/years. If both parents are equally keen for involvement and their are no problems, then I see no reason to not rapidly progress to 50:50. My current BF has 100% of his 14 month old and has had it since she was about 4 months (d/t drug use of mother). He is actually very funny as so protective.
So much better! I am friends
So much better! I am friends with BM#2, and it is awesome! Took a while. Unfortunately we both do not get along with current girlfriend. I tried, but she is a bitch and convinced I am jealous of her. I have yet to figure it out! Now SHE is mad I have a boyfriend???!!! I find that just impossible to understand. I could kind of figure out ex - you know the "I don't want you, but no one else can have you". But the girlfriend??! And they do not even know who BF is. I wish everyone would just get on.
I have not figured it out
I have not figured it out yet? I am not sure if you have seen my previous posts but she is 20, I am in my 30's and ex is nearly 50. I think she was enjoying the being "younger and hotter" (according to her). My BF is my age and completely and utterly HOT. She was loving herself for being younger. I think she stalked my boyfriend on FB and realized he is lovely (I am still pinching myself, I keep asking him why he likes me LOL) and she realizes she may consider herself a "younger and hotter" version of me, but my BF is definitely a younger and hotter version of ex!
Plus, I am now about to start my career in nursing and her and ex still both unemployed!
I really do not get it. At least ex has stopped her constantly texting me! Life is peaceful at last!
Re: "younger and
Re: "younger and hotter"
Every person should pray on bended knee that they live to see the age of the older person they ridicule. Like ANYONE had ANYTHING to do with when they were born.
I had my salad days, and the women/people before me had theirs. I don't begrudge younger women their days in the sun just as I didn't understand why women who were older than me seemed to begrudge me mine.
Now, if a person takes care of herself, that might be a point of pride. But there will ALWAYS be someone "younger and hotter," and those words will come back to BITE HER IN THE ASS, I guarantee it!
Absolutely! I never
Absolutely! I never understand it. I am something of an oddity as I am in far better shape now than I was in my 20's! She has put on a lot of weight since moving in with my ex, so I hope for her she figures it out soon! Personally you could not pay me to go back to 20! I am so much happier in my 30's. Just today one of my friends was telling me how I am living in reverse as seem happier and younger now! I read an article recently that women are happiest in bikini's in their 50's. Based on my experience I figure by my 50's I will be constantly euphoric and not give a damn about anyone else!
Yes, I think she is just
Yes, I think she is just shallow. I have received text messages from her saying "You should try styling your hair" (after picking up BS6 last minute at 8pm following a 12 hour shift - nursing, hardly when my hair is going to look its best!). Also "I have lady like clothes if you need to borrow some" (following a pick up where I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt!).
One, it makes her look shallow. Two, I am hardly going to dress up at 8am for a pick up of my son! Three, if I truly cared what a 20 y o who is carrying an extra 50lbs thinks of me, and took fashion advice from a Fredericks of Hollywood model I would, frankly, feel like a slut!
I think she has low self esteem, no motivation or ambition, so focuses on her looks. She is half Chinese and once sent me a message "You cannot compete with the uniqueness of oriental". I LMAO as she is not pretty, and that one got a reply "Congrats on being a member of the most common race on the planet". Also earned her the nickname "China Trash" as all my Chinese friends are embarrassed to be associated with her lol.
Based on all this she will flip her lid when meets BF. My ex has aged a lot (funnily enough since being with her, he looks in his 60's, and now very overweight AND lost his hair!), he is unemployed and makes up stories about being in the Marines (he was, but I have seen his military record - reserves only). BF was army, active duty, is fit due to his job and has his hair! Oh and has full custody of his baby daughter, something my ex desperately wants with all his kids!
Do not be spiteful. Always be
Do not be spiteful. Always be reasonable.
As a BM. One of the things
As a BM. One of the things that keeps me sane is remembering we could not agree when we were together, so I do not expect us to agree now! I often take a step back and consider if I am thinking truly of my son. Also, if it is truly detrimental to my son to compromise. Parents who live together compromise constantly in child-rearing, with two separate families there is a tendency to believe "my way or the highway". I operate on a basis where I NEVER respond immediately. If I am emailing/texting I will wait at least a day and re-read 3 times - this gives me a chance to eliminate the emotion I initially feel.
My ex is an ass (as in being investigated by various organizations right now). It is very hard not to let him know I know (you know, phone calls from FBI etc), but I have to take a deep breath and think "am I thinking of son?". I never answer the phone - always let it go to VM and then think of my response before calling back. She should try and have a trusted friend she can run things by too.
I think if she remembers that
I think if she remembers that she is the mother and no one will ever take her place she will be fine.
IMO, BM get crazy when the other woman comes in because they are jealous.