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Disengaging.

3Libras06's picture

Well, here comes the time where I have convinced myself that disengaging is probably the best thing I can do at this point in my relationship. I met a woman through SS11's classroom, she's the parent of another troubled young boy. Her story is long, in short, she is the adoptive mother of a boy who comes from a very disturbing background. Over coffee today, I think she unintentionally gave me the best advice ever: I don't do rewards systems. His reward is having a roof over his head, food and nice clothes. If he chooses to never do his work or communicate to me something that he needs after school, that's not ultimately my problem. That's life.

Wow. So that was like a brick wall for me. I have been riding this little boys ass since school started, always making him look for homework that he forgot about, reminding him that I need to sign his planner, etc etc etc. why? All I am teaching him by doing this is that I will be there to hold his hand and he doesn't really have to be accountable. Me and FDH fight all the time because he doesn't care enough to go through that routine every night. I've been trying to treat him like my own and raise him how I think I would raise a kid.... But I'm learning he will never be my kid. I can be there for him, but I should stop making my life miserable by stressing about his performance all day, every day.

No punishment is getting through to him. And no reward system is rewarding enough apparently for him to have the drive to get the reward. I think the hardest part for me at this point will be training myself to back off and allow things to happen as they will.

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hereiam's picture

My SD is 22. She is divorced, 2 kids, has never had a job. Well, she just got her first job last week but prior to that, I gave her a list of phone numbers & agencies that would help her. She never called any of them.

My husband said, "Well, she wants you to hold her hand and do it with her." I told him that I would absolutely not do that. If she wants a better life for herself and her kids, she needs to get off of her ass and help herself. I am willing to steer her in the right direction but I am not going to drive her there.