SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!
I have 22 and 25 SS living at home with my husband and I. We got married almost 3 years ago...I don't even know where to begin with this story....They both failed college and had to return home to attend a community college.. That was 8 months into the marriage.
I have been disrespected on many levels, beginning with having to tell the older SS not to go through my bedroom looking through my draws and not violating my personal space or touching me inappropriately. I have been shouted at and ignored when requesting that they clean up. My husband's response to my concerns have been pretty weak in my eyes and his ability to set boundaries limited.
I have asked that we get counseling several times and nothing as yet.... In the mean time the younger one at least has just recently begun to work and is talking about transferring to a state college, but he can not graduate from community college until he pays off his balance from the other school as they will not release the transcript.
The older one goes to school two days of the week and spends the rest of his time on the computer playing video games and saying he cant find a job. He also sulks a lot and complains to others who know our family how miserable he is. He has told other people that he doesn't want to wake up sometimes and when we go to him he says he just feels bored and wants to do something with his time like taking up cooking or martial arts...I am so confused. He has done this several times and it gets his dad to run to his aid to comfort him while he simply wastes time. He told me he feels like he just doesn't care and he would tell us what he thinks we want to hear at the time, but he really doesn't care. A couple days ago he dad told him how frustrating it is to have to pay his loan from the school he had been attending seeing that he failed all the classes. shortly after his younger brother call saying his brother was crying. My husband of course runs to comfort him and calls me so we could all talk. I told SS then and there that I see he does care as he is crying and that there are consequences for all our actions in life, but we have to do things differently if we want different results. My husbands solution was to spend time with him so they go to the gym together.
What puzzles me If someone is depressed they don't select when they feel that way...I hear him laughing and playing games with his brother when he claims to be feeling depressed and when I asked about this he says "I'm just being happy for my brother."
I have asked my husband that we get help on several occasions, but nothing yet. I am seeking help for myself because I am responsible for my own happiness, but I fear that my marriage is going down hill slowly because I am angry and beginning to feel resentful. I gave up a lot when I married, my job, my house and hometown and most of all a peaceful home. My own children 24 and 26 left home years ago and at 50 I expected to be in a better place.
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Situation doesn't look good.
Situation doesn't look good. I feel for you. It's really great that you are going to counseling for yourself.
Your older stepson reminds me of an episode of the old sitcom "Just Shoot Me" with Laura San Giacomo and George Segal and David Spade. The character played by Laura is invited to the big family dinner of her co-worker and finds the whole family doting on her co-worker's adult little brother. He had a diving accident (or something) and now is basically the village idiot. So they do everything for him and fawn all over him.
Except when everyone's back is turned he reveals to San Giacomo that it's all an act so he never has to work or even get his own glass of water. He finds her attractive and wants to court her but she can't give up his secret.
She is of course appalled and won't play along. She tries to out him but no one will believe her. She goes from being the honored guest to the worst villain since Godzilla just like that. How dare she accuse their beloved cutesy-wutesy? All the rest of the episode this guy is doing things only San Giacomo can see and basically taunting and rubbing it in but the more she speaks up the more she is villainized. It is very funny.
But now that I think about it I feel certain that episode was written by a stepparent!
This is about your
This is about your husband...He needs to cut his kids off. I would be more worried about my finance if he decided to pay off those loans.
You need to set some boundaries with your husband...
Thanks for your comments
Thanks for your comments guys...
So there are 4 people in your
So there are 4 people in your marriage. I would move out. Just pack up and move out. Stay married but move into your 'own place' where you do not have to have adult men pawing you and going through your possessions.
Find a hotel that rents by the month. Most good hotels will give you a reduced weekly rate. Meet with DH and tell him that you married him and not his children. But sadly he wants his sons around more than he wants you. So they win. They can live with their father in the eternal frat house. In 6 months you WILL file for divorce if things have not changed. And DH is welcome to visit anytime he wants (but he doesn't get a key!) alone.
There is no way I would put up with that crap. No freaking way.
I'm suprized you are not
I'm suprized you are not already in the resentful phase. Personally, when I get there, it is almost impossible to get past it (takes a lot to get there but still). Don't let anyone dissuade you from getting counseling.
I doubt you got married thinking you would be living with 2 ADULT SS'S for 3 years.... Did you and DH talk about this or decide on boundaries /limits? It sounds like you weren't even considered and that is so wrong on so many levels. Time to let DH know what he needs to do to keep the marriage going. Be specific, your counselor can help you sort through the details. I'm with oneoffour, no way I could cope with that.
The truth is I felt that I
The truth is I felt that I had to accept it as I was not working and therefore not contributing. He would have to assist them financially to live elsewhere which would be a strain on us... Perhaps that is why the resentment was slow in coming. I feel traumatized and somewhat numb. I finally found a job last year although it only pay a third of my usual salary, at least its something.
Still puzzled, but feeling
Still puzzled, but feeling empowered!
He does not need to assist
He does not need to assist them financially to live elsewhere. That is just more enabling, which is what he is doing to these 2 young men. He is hurting them, and you in the process.
Your DH needs to distribute a healthy dose of tough love. The younger one sounds like he is on the right road, with working and wanting to transfer to a state college. In time he could pay off his current school and do just that. But the older one, yikes! My own son was 20 when I found his work ethic to be lacking. I told him to shape up or in 30 days he was out of my house. And guess what? I made him leave when no improvement was made, yes it was hard, but I did it for his own good. And it was good. He is now 24 years old with a career, working full time, supporting himself, and our relationship is great. He didn't turn around overnight. But if I had rescued him, he would still be sitting in his bedroom playing video games.
Of course, this is up to your DH to handle and if he won't do it than you'll have some choices to make. I know for a fact that the older the kid is the harder it is to get them out and for them to change. Twenty-four is still do-able. But 34? 44? Forget it. You'll be living with a middle-aged man-child before you know it.
HappyHome I see what you're
HappyHome
I see what you're saying...well the older one just got a job..I hope he's telling the truth.....he however failed this past semester in community college....no consequences from DH except for telling him to find a job...I believe an intervention is needed but I'm not sure how to go about it..I have been trying to remain detached but its in my face so its difficult. I hate living in dysfunction and resent having to deal with this at this stage in my life..I sometimes wish this was just a bad dream that I could wake up from
Major setback today.....last
Major setback today.....last night I shared with DH my frustration and my trying to understand how he processes. I shared on the issues with the guys and having to repeatedly ask them not to do the same things as it pertains to keeping the house clean..ive stepped back from dealing with their rooms.. this morning I came downstairs to dishes in the sink, icecream on the, counter and alarge towel thrown on the floor in the laundry room floor which had been there for most of the week. DH went to ask about it and I asked him that we speak to both boys however my younger SS went down stairs ans began cleaning. I asked him to wait but he said he'd just do it, he didn't know what the big deal was...I asked and he admitted he was the one responsible for all of it. I told him we needed a conversation and asked him to stop washing dishes so we could talk. He began shouting that it didnr make sense and I told him he didnt get to get angry when.he keeps doing what he has been asked not to do repeatedly. DH him shouting from the adjecent room and shouted."hey hey none of that..if you want to shout then go outside."...DH seemed a little upset afterward but said nothing to me. I told SS I didnt appreciate being shouted at. A while later DH came to me and said he spoke with his son and apologized to him for raising his voice ..he further said SS said it was the way I approached him and That he told him to speak with me about my approach..I flipped and let my DH know that he just reinforced the behavioral issues we have been struggling with..DH got angry and said he is tired of all this and nothing he does is right then stormed out...
I am so hurt and baffled...I am the problem it seems...I just dont get it..
Just want to be on an island
Just want to be on an island far away.........