Hi Everyone! I'm new to "stepTalk" but I've been reading and following posts for a couple of weeks now and just reading your stories and concerns for each other has really touched me. I've been a stepmom for 3 years now. SS 8, SD 10. I have 2 girls of my own 15 & 11. My relationship with BM has been a rollercoaster, and I can't stand her. I've really struggled with her, and at times she has truly got the best of me......but I am trying to really get a grip on how I let her affect my marriage and household.
I have a fairly good relationship with my SD, SS is a totally different story. I dread knowing he is coming to our house...honestly I dread both of them coming, just dread the SD a little less. SS......is ADHD (and his mother uses this as an excuse for EVERYTHING he does that he shouldn't & at one time told me I was the cause of him being ADHD?????) he lies, blames someone else for everything he does when confronted, he is very babyish (BM will brush his teeth for him if he asks, ties his shoes, until last year still wiped his butt for him...gross!) Our counselor (who saw him briefly, see below)has diagnosed him with ODD>...oppositional defiance disorder. I've caught him peeing in the floor in his bedroom, caught him grinding my little Yorkie's face into his privates, caught him watching me in the shower (yes, i should have had the door locked, but didn't. Threw our cat off a 2nd story deck, held a puppy down and kicked dirt in its face. He is frequently in trouble for exposing himself....has twice been kicked off the schoolbus for it, did it at his grandmothers the day before Thanksgiving to her and his cousin. BM had him in counseling, would even talk to me about what the counselor's advice was about how to handle SS when he does these horrible things..... I insisted she give the counselor permission to talk with me....and I had to fight her tooth & nail to get her to agree.....I had my appt. and when I questioned the counselor about his behavior, she knew nothing about any of this...only that she was to be working with him concerning ADHD. BM wasn't telling her anything about what SS was really doing...and then making up the "advice" from the counselor! as soon as i found out...she never took him back again....of course not, we were all on to her then...even the counselor. When SS is at the house..> I feel like I lose my husband....It's dad, dad, dad, dad. I know I shouldn't feel this way BUT I DO. I know, i should recognize the importance of that father/son time....but you know what? he is not my child, i don't get that soft fuzzy feeling of watching the 2 of them in the yard, etc! Dad just doesn't know what to do. He feels BM is a huge factor in the kids behavior, but what to do about that?..fight for custody??? NO! I swear I don't think I could handle this kid 24/7. We do see a counselor, just husband and myself, and we go to the same one BM was lying to..she is very good, and she already knew the background, etc. she has been a huge help to us...basically taking the approach that until BM gets a grip, we are going to have problems, and we can't control or change her, so she helps us with how to cope, how to handle things in our home. she has been a big help as far as uniting hubby and i in our approach. but nothing is changing about this kid and how i feel about him. Everyone knows how i feel about SS...my kids, husband, even BM and grandparents....well, dad is the only one who knows i hate to see the kid coming, but the others know that i don't get along well with him, won't keep him alone, etc. and they all know its bc of his behavior. My best girlfriend tells me all the time...you must really DH, b/c i don't know how you put up with this kid and BM! and she is sooo right!
Bm signs the kids up for EVERY sport.....i think she feels like the more she puts him in, the more normal he will be. but she gets pissed off when we don't want to take them to the sports on our weekends with them......its not out of laziness on our part, but sometimes we plan things for our weekends, and don't appreciate her dictating to us what we will do with our time. and yes, sometimes i plan things just to make the conflict, just to tempt the children so they don't want to go, just to piss her off. i know, i know, its wrong, i shouldn't do it....but i have. starting next weekend until the last weekend in february, they are in basket ball....each child has one game on sat. and one on sunday....4 games each weekend! i do not want to sit through that, it's not fair to my children to have to sit through it, its not fair for my husband and i to have to go separate ways for him to take them and i go my way....he works a lot during the week, the weekends are our time together too. i'm rambling, but i feel better just writing this all out! thanks for listening/reading!
any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.