Stooping to Their Level
So there are 4 skids. Two boys 6 and 13. Two girls 8 and 12. I generally get along with all of the them. However, SD12 is not being very nice. She has always been her mother's protector and I am not sure if that is what I am seeing or if this is age related or what. She likes to make "jokes" which are actually really nasty. My SO will then not say anything - so we had a long talk that he better step up or there is going to be a huge problem. However, she is still not nice to be around.
So last night we dropped the skids off after having spent the day at SD12's soccer game and then end of the year soccer party. Literally the entire day was about her. We get to her mother's house - we don't normally drop off but we brought them back late because of the party- and she walks over and hugs/kisses her dad and says she loves him, etc. Then she walks right by me with no acknowledgement. Her dad called her on it and she came back and wanted to be all over me. In a moment of absolute maturity *sarcasm* I turned my back on her and refused to acknowledge her as I said goodbye to everyone else.
I know I should not have acted this way. I have been working on not letting it impact me because they are much colder with me when their mother is around. Like Friday, we went to SS6's Kindergarten grad event and he would not acknowledge me until his mother walked out of the room. I get what they are doing. But with SD12 it seems like its becoming more than when her mother is around. She is being a snot. She wants to be all over me and have her paint her fingernails and help with school projects etc.. But dare I ask a question about her life and she is rude and dismissive. It's so hot and cold and I am not sure what to do about it.
I realize on some level I am going to have to let this play out. We just got through court in April and their mother is still being especially horrible so I think that is playing a role. But just wanted to see what other's think. Do I confront this? Do I wait it out for a while?
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Comments
Teen girls are the worst!
Teen girls are the worst! They are selfish, push boundaries, nice one minute, angry the next. They will be upset for days over a perceived slight or something you did to them in a dream they had! Then lovey dovey and sorry they hurt you. One day they are little girls, the next they are sultry sex sirens and back to the little girl the day after that.
They are learning who they are and where they fit in the world, it’s a scary confusing time.
As future said, talk to her, tell what you’re feeling and thinking. Set some boundaries and don’t let her cross them. Kids need boundaries, they push them and test them because they need to know where they stand.
SD14 was like this, a lot
SD14 was like this, a lot like this. Her snarky jokes never stopped because DH refused to acknowledge the behavoir at all. I told him many times to tell her to knock it off, that dismissing b!tchyness with "humor" was not acceptable and still hurtful. She continued. So I just started to either leave the room or react with stony silence and stare. If it was too much, I'd say something like, "That's really not funny." She'd often react by saying, "Well, I have a mean sense of humor" to excuse it. Just fun times!
I could put my own boundaries around things, which I stood by very clearly but she took it out on DH. Because he had none and their relationship went very quickly downhill in the last year.
Anyway, she hasn't been to our home in over a month now, I think. And it's blissful for me.
DH is having issues with it.
All I can say is if your DH doesn't have boundaries himself, put them in for you. Stand by them. But you cannot change it if your DH doesn't see it or want to change things becuase it's too hard. If she's behaving badly, don't do things for her. I stopped doing much at all for SD14 last fall. I don't reward people who don't treat others with respect.
Send her to her room, like a
Send her to her room, like a toddler. Tell her she can come out when she is ready to be respectful.
No hugs for me!
Ohhhh. My step kids are very affectionate with me. But one is socially aware and one isn't. The one who isn't (OSS12) will hug me in front of his mother. Guess what - I do NOT want him to do that. BM is a self-centred cow. I could see her getting all up it when he did that. She takes out her emotional insecurities on her kids. I do not want to put them in that position.
However, BM does place a great emphasis on being cordial and polite and on manners. I'm not sure if she'd call them out if they snubbed me in front of her, but I don't think she'd be happy about it. She's also not happy if they treated me warmly and affectionately.
Kids do blow hot and cold in general though. One minute to my BS - I'm best mom in the world. Next minute I'm mean. Whatever...