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Hi im so excited to have found this website!

kmmarcello's picture

this is my first post and i am hoping that i don't sound like the worst person ever.

I am 24 and just recently married my husband who has a 14yr old daughter and a 5yr old son. we are also expecting our first baby and i am very excited about this but yikes!!!!

and on to the bad part...i think i hate my stepdaughter. she is very interesting because she is not like normal teenagers in some ways. she is not rebellious and just loves her dad so much, and she actually loves me a lot too and tells me all the time. she is very sweet and caring and loves her family and feels bad when she wants to hang out with her friends instead of us. we have her every other week and she may be living with us more in the near future because her mom is totally unstable and makes her feel unsafe.

i guess i just cant stand how clingy she is, she want to be with us all the time! when i was 14 i couldn't stand being with my parents and step-parents (of which i had many) im worried that she is not going to break off and come into her own identity. she is also incredibly stupid. no common sense at all, completely book stupid and totally and immature for her age but really wants us to know how mature and smart she is all the time. she seems to have something physically wrong with her ALL the time. i just was never allowed to complain as much as she does when i was sick as a child so maybe i need to give her a break but she just seems to be whining all the time about anything and everything wrong with her. her father and i both feel that she is making herself sick my manifesting it into her life lol! she never helps around the house and leaves her stuff everywhere and anytime her dad talks to her about it she cries and feels horrible because she disappointed him but it never seems to click in her head the reasons why she is disappointing him because nothing ever changes! she gets sad and feels left out when her dad and i want to spend some time alone. i could go on and on and on and on

i guess i am having a hard time figuring out what my role is or should be in her life. maybe she is so clingy and stupid because her mom is such a piece of crap. or maybe she is just clingy and stupid. i feel like if i try to talk to her about anything i will end up just loosing it at her because conversations with her are so frustrating being that she has a hard time understanding ANYTHING

also, having to deal with this while being pregnant doesn't make things any better

i want to love her and feel like a family all together and i try so hard to just believe she will get better with age. i remember being a teenager and how hard it is.
am i horrible? Help!

Comments

12yrstepmonster's picture

Sounds like she is struggling on fitting in and insecure with where she is in her place.

She wants to spend family time with her dad. You said eow visitation. I don't think that is odd. She sees him 4 days out of 30. I see my dd more than 4 days a month.

As far as getting on her and her not remembering. Dd12 never remembers her chores. Either do a list or make family chore time. Instead of setting her up to fail set her up to succeed. Say sd, while I clean up the kitchen from dinner would u clear the table of the dishes and put them in dishwasher. It would be a great help.

When dh runs an errand he takes sd for one on one time.

When u go to store take her for help.

Then if you and dh have to leave u can say, dad and SM are running an errand will be back at time while we are away can u do x, y, z.even if only x is done thank her and then gently remind her of the others.

It might not be that she is stupid but she might have a processing problem.

kmmarcello's picture

thank you for the response, we do need to set up a chore list and make things more organized i suppose. however, when we do ask her to do anything she does it very poorly. we will work on it though. also we have her every other week, not weekends. so half the time.

i will take your advice, thanks again.

Pook's picture

Wow, it sounds like your SD and my oldest SD are the same person! Blum 3

My DH oldest daughter was exactly the same; very clingy to the point of being annoying, always complaining about this ailment or that ailment (still does at the age of 19) and never really socialized with her friends as she said she preferred to be with us.

The BM in our picture was a terrible mother; alcoholic, narcissistic, dealt with everything by screaming her way through it, just craziness. My DH had 2 daughters and so we saw their neediness every time they were over. The oldest (the twin to your SD!) had and continues to have zero common sense.

The only thing we could do was continue to give her attention and positive encouragement as 12yrstepmonster advised. With oldest SD, we would have to tell her to do the chore right now and then move to the next chore; don't assume she will do it on her own.

You mention you get her every other week so you have her half time. This may go on for months, so just be ready for it. She is very likely unsure of where she places and heaven knows what crap her BM may be feeding her about the new baby on the way (ie: "once they have the baby, your dad won't love you as much")

kmmarcello's picture

AHHHHH! thank you! im so glad someone else is in the same situation! her BM is exactly what you described, i feel so awful for her and i know that must be the contributing factor to her clinginess. i am going to continue to give her positive reinforcement and get more organized with chores and power through. (also, i feel terrible about calling her stupid, to clarify, i would never do it to her face)

thank you again, i can really only find information about angry, rebellious teenagers. it helps to know i am not alone. Smile

Pook's picture

I also saw your comment that when she does chores, she does them poorly.. I honestly laughed! I immediately remember a time DH told SD to wash the bathroom floor. Well, she took everything that was on the floor out of the bathroom (2 points); filled the pail with hot, clean water with cleaner in it (2 more points); washed the floor in the smallest bathroom on the planet (again, 2 more points); then left the pail, the mop and everything out in the hall because "she got tired and had to go to bed"

??????

He had to haul her tookie out of bed to make her put the floor mat down, etc. on the now dry and clean floor. Honestly, you just wonder, don't you?

kmmarcello's picture

HAHAHA! yes, thank you. we dont have a dishwasher right now and i couldn't count how many times we have asked her to rewash the dishes. we have also showed her repeatedly how to properly wash dishes!

also, she want to be a baker and own a bakery when she grows up and has wanted to for a while so we have let her bake us a few things for us because she loves to do it so much and we want her to feel like we are supportive. however, we cannot allow her to cook anything in the kitchen, anything at all anymore, because she just wrecks it! wrecks the whole kitchen! i dont even know how one can get food in the places she manages to get it. then she leaves it a mess and complains that she cooked so she shouldnt have to clean.

yes, i wonder

herewegoagain's picture

Oh my...you are 24 and she's 14...I don't know how you can deal with that.