when your kids ask why he can and they can't simply say "he's retarded, and we have to be nicer to dumb people." ... "he's not smart like you guys, he is too dumb to understand the rules"

his dad might not like that too much, but if he questions it just ask him right then and there if there's some other reason? totally deadpan and neutral.

I don't know if that's good advice or not but being the bitch I am, it's what I would do.

Your not alone in this. I don't have much advise but I do know what you are going through I myself a BM of two boys very close in age about the same as your twins. Also my SS is only 4 and we have a 6 month old together. My DH did the same thing and we fight mostly when SS is here and still do. But my DH is getting better at disciplining his son.Its mainly because DH does not see his son as often as he would like so he wants to be friends with not a parent. Its a working progress to show him how to parent him and his son would want to him more than if he is a friend to him. I been with him and doing this for four yrs and only been married to him 3 months. All I have to tell you if you really love him just try to get your DH to be more of a parent.

"My husband lets him do whatever he wants. For example he lets him play with matches outside, play with hammers and hedge clippers, walks around the house with no clothes on laughing and basically does whatever he wants."

Until the above changes, nothing will get better for you and your BC, or your marriage. And if it doesnt change, it will get worse and worse. I am considering leaving my boyfriend bc of his adult kids who were raised exactly like your DH is raising his son. Imagine a 22 year old throwing tantrums.....Lots of people on here are dealing with the same issues. When kids are raised this way, they become horrible teens and adults who think they rule the world. Right now, this kid is ruling his dad bc your DH is allowing it.

Your DH CAN change things, but he needs to start now.

"My husband lets him do whatever he wants. For example he lets him play with matches outside, play with hammers and hedge clippers, walks around the house with no clothes on laughing and basically does whatever he wants."

And what happens when he sets himself or someone else on fire????? orthrows the hammer through a window???? or someone calls CPS because they glimpsed him running around the house naked and accuse you guys of something horrible. It sounds to me like you have basically given up and let this CHILD have the run of the house. He will do what he is allowed to do.

I was there, in your predicament just a short time ago. I was ready to call it quits. It was horrible. You have to take control. You have to stand up for yourself and your Bios. Can you imagine the resentment and hostility that will result if things don't change? If you don't feel that you know how or what to do to gain control, talk to someone...a therapist.

I started calling the skids on everything. When they visit they have chores. They abide by family rules. They understand that my word is law and that DH and I are a team. And that is probably most important...being a team. You and your DH need to come to an agreement about how you want to parent the children, all of them. And, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, none of that wishy washy mess. You both needto re-commit to the relationship first and decide whther or not you will face hell on Earth-together-to make it work. Be open and honest. Explain how hurt you and the bios are and how much turmoil SSs behavior is putting you through.

I hope things work out for you, I really do.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Sweetie, this is not a stepkid problem. An eight year old little boy is going to do whatever he is allowed to do. That's why parents set rules. And when rules are broken, there are logical immediate consequences. If your husband is unwilling to parent his son, nothing you do will ever make a difference. You both have to be on board. And the house rules have to be consistent for all the kids.

From the very beginning of our marriage, we jointly parented our kids. We each brought two kids into the marriage and then had another together. There is no "your kids" or "my kids" in our house. They are our kids. We both have the authority and most importantly the responsibility to discipline the kids. If one of us was unwilling to do so, our kids would be out of control, and quite honestly we probably wouldn't still be married.

I really think y'all need family counseling. Your DH needs to hear from a third party that he is going to destroy his child by refusing the set rules and apply consequences. He is incorrect in saying "it will get better". Things do not get better on their own. It takes hard work.

To address your specific issues:

1. Do not cook his favorite foods all the time. Prepare meals as you normally would. He doesn't have to eat supper. If he is hungry later, allow him to eat a piece of fruit. And remind him that his next meal is breakfast.

2. Sharing: That's really not unusual. Make sure he has his own space. And make sure he has things that are truly his. If he won't share his toys, then remind him that his siblings will not be required to share theirs.

3. Fits: He goes to his room until he can calm down. Otherwise, completely ignore them. He's trying to get attention and even negative attention is attention.

4. Family outings: How can an eight year old "refuse" to go? He doesn't get a choice. The family is going. He is part of the family. Before you leave, explain where you are going and what time you'll return. Tell him that if he chooses to misbehave, he will lose the privilege to watch tv, play on the computer, play video games....whatever he loves the most. Logical consequences for misbehavior every single time.

5. Your DH is either going to step up to the plate or he isn't. If one of our kids told my DH (or any adult) to "shut up", life would change dramatically. There would nothing in the child's room but a mattress and some blankets. There would be no television, no internet, no video games, no cell phone, no toys....literally nothing at all. And the child would have to earn those privileges back one at a time.

Your stepson is SCREAMING for boundaries. Something to think about...When my DH and his ex divorced, his ex got primary physical. He got the typcial EOW, holidays and summers. Their mother is very lax. We are very strict. BOTH of my stepkids chose to move in with us. They went in front of a judge and told him that they wanted to live in our home. And we live hours away from their mother in another state. She was the "Disney Mom". We provided a loving home with structure and boundaries and discipline. And kids crave that whether they consciously realize it or not.

Family counseling!!! ASAP!

This is not the kid's problem, this a house with no boundaries or rules. Dad is letting him get away with it. He wants to be his friend not his parent and that never works. Why don't they ever see it until it is too late and the child is formed and too difficult to change.

This doesn't sound like a problem with your SS, as much as with your husband. Is there any chance that your SS could come just every other wkend, and you could plan something special with BC away from the house? You can't change the relationship between your husband and his son. It sounds like you have sincerely tried to do everything right, and presented yourself with respect and compassion for this boy. Focus on your sons while the SS is visiting; they sound like wonderful kids!