Serious Relationship with a Single Parent
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I am a single woman in my late 20s and I'm seeing a single father in his late 30s. In a few weeks, I will be joining him permanently. As of now, it is a LDR.
I have never met his kids and I'm sure when the time is right, he will introduce me to them.
I'm hoping for some insights on dating a single mother/father. Maybe from single parents who are dating and also, singles dating single parents.
I have never been married and have no kids of my own, however, I was told that I am good with kids -- mostly with my siblings' and friends' kids.
I hope to hear from posters who are in the same situation and especially those who are seeing their partner's kids regularly or living together.
Thanks in advance!
how many kids does he have
how many kids does he have and how old?
everyone's situation is different. for me, my exsd had come from a very dysfunctional family and had been taken away, and her father, got full custody. exsd is a very troubled little girl. the relationship i had with her father ended months ago, mostly because of exsd.
my advice is to take things slowly, and DO NOT parent his children. they are HIS children. dont let him or them walk all over you, stand strong, and know your limits. helping is one thing, being taken advantage of is another, and the line is very thin and easy to cross.
keep thinkoing positive.
i was great with kids too. i loved kids before i got with my ex. dealing with his daughter changed me and my view on children (well, other people's children). i was no longer interested in taking care of other people's kids or even being around them for very long. this is because exsd was so horrible, she literally sucked the life force right out of me within the first year.
im rambling, i am sorry, i dont want to scare u. just stay positive and let your bf know your limits with his kids and the relationship.
Hi startingover2010, Thanks
Hi startingover2010,
Thanks for your advice/reply. My bf has 2 kids, a girl (8) and a boy (4).
I'm sorry your relationship ended due to the exsd (I take it that means ex-step-daughter?). Lol - scare me away or not - just tell me like it is, I can take it and I hardly let anyone scare me away. I have heard that it can be very difficult dealing with step-children.
I've been reading articles as well and it did mention not to parent the children - which is something I am not going to do.
I will think positive - thanks! Please, ramble all you want - isn't this the place for it?
Thanks We live thousands of
Thanks
We live thousands of miles away from one another. Whenever I went to visit, his kids were away and I only had a week or two on each visit. Also, I didn't want to meet them knowing that I won't be around that long and the fact that we are long distanced, we had issues of our own. There was a time where we didn't see each other for a year or so, due to my mother's passing and everything else that followed thereafter.
Now that I have in some ways, emotionally matured (had a lot of things going on) and thought things through - moving closer would be better for both of us and my father has moved on as well (I live with my father since my mother passed away) with a new lady so I don't have a lot to worry about knowing that he's well taken care of.
Another reason being that I was not ready. To be honest, I am afraid that they won't like me. My father's fiancee is nice but she's trying too hard and even at my age, I feel that suffocating! I know not to try too hard on his kids and I'm pretty sure I won't be meeting them on the day I arrive. I think I want to talk to him about it first before he introduces them to me.
I'm in my 20s and BF is n his
I'm in my 20s and BF is n his late 30s as well. We've been living together for two months.
Its an adjustment-I have no kids and am not naturally good with them. Luckily I was blessed with an FSD (10 y/o) who is pretty easy to get along with. She does some annoying things (as most 10 yos do) and I'm not going to lie-it works my nerves and I still have a lot of personal space issues we have to address since moving in together. There are times, however, that I don't mind her being around (I know, thats a far cry from 'enjoying' her) and the most I can say is that I'm working on it.
At the moment our biggest issues are:
1. Personal Space-I don't like kids in the bedroom (we've compromised on that), sharing bath towels, etc. Living together means that I can't 'escape'.
2. Finances-he makes a touch more than I do, but is not as responsible with it, and I have an eyeball on the extra expenses he incurs being a father that I don't want to take responsibility for.
3. Disagreeing with some of his parenting skills (for now I just suck it up and don't comment-not my job)
Hi stepkate, Thanks for your
Hi stepkate,
Thanks for your comment. If you don't mind my asking you - how long have you been with your bf?
I used to live with my brother and SIL. They have 2 daughters and most of the time, they are with me. Not the same but I hear you on the personal space. Right now, that's no longer the problem since I've moved out. Then again, it wasn't that bad as I love having them around (maybe it's not that bad cause they are my nieces?).
Have you sorted out the issues or at least try to? Does he know of the issues?
We've been dating five
We've been dating five months, living together for 3.
I jumped right in the deep end.
We've compromised a lot on the issues-thanks to a recent fight, he's respecting my time and financial values a lot more. I haven't decided if I'm happy with the compromise yet, so I'm riding it out, and if I still can't live with it, on to round two, I guess.
I'm glad he's respecting your
I'm glad he's respecting your time and financial values more now, stepkate. That goes to show that communication is very important. I hope all works out well for you
I am early 20s, H is late
I am early 20s, H is late 20s. We just got married after dating for 3 years - my ss is 5. I have known ss since before he can even remember, but he lived with relatives of dh until last year.. we are actually coming up on our "1 year anniversary" of sole custody (my perfect excuse to throw a party
). Lemme tell you - it was a HUGE adjustment. SS moved in with us a week after my 21st birthday... bob the builder and the zoo were not what i had invisioned for my drunken week of debauchery! lol .. there were some really rough times, there were some really precious moments, and both of our lives have COMPLETELY changed ... for me, it has all been worth it and everything has worked out. When you get serious with someone with a child, you end up taking a long hard look at yourself and go through A LOT of emotionally trying times... no one can tell you what it will be like, though; you have to go through it yourself. Best of Luck.
Hi
Hi iwishyouwould,
Congratulations on your 1 year anniversary
Lol - I don't think I would want Bob the Builder nor the zoo as a celebration but I think that's one of those things we have to go through having kids around? I know for a fact that the only reason why I know stuff like Hannah Montana, Handy Manny etc is because of my nieces!! I have to sit through endless Barbie movies with them - gggrrr - lol.
Thanks, I know I have to experience it myself but it would be good to know others' experiences.
I was told that I should have a sit with bf and hammer out some details... I was wondering if anyone of you have had the talk regarding having the kids around etc?
In my case we didnt really
In my case we didnt really have any kind of talk so to speak, it just more or less happened. I wanted ss to come live with us, he had just been through a horrible ordeal... well, ok, here is the chronology of what happened: ss was 3, living with Dh's mother, where he had lived since infancy; BabyMomma asked to get him for the weekend and then never brought him back; we called the police and were told there was nothing to be done; we were sued for child support, at that point learned where ss was; dh legitimated ss; dh began paying child support; dh sued for visitation, hadnt seen ss in 5 months; BM brought ss to DH's mother, said she couldnt handle that shit anymore; ss came to live with us; we sued for sole custody and got it; six months after he started living with us we got off child support (bm wouldnt sign and would call to ask why we hadnt paid). That was about 6 months ago. As for experiences... youre gonna have to be more specific LOL.
Wow - the BM is not that
Wow - the BM is not that nice, hey! Your SS is very lucky to have a SM like you
From what I have heard and seen personally (friend's SM etc), most SM are not nice.
My late mother was never liked by my father's parents, especially his mother and sisters. My late mother was mistreated and I would say, her MIL was just like the typical fairytale SM. My late mother knew of my relationship with BF (obviously) and told me over and over again, to not be a SM like her MIL. I know MIL and SM are not the same but I'm sure you all catch my drift. The last thing I want to do is to hurt BF and his kids. I do not want to mistreat them either as I have seen some kids being mistreated right in front of my eyes.
I would say experience such as - what was it like meeting S-kids for the first time? Was it awkward? What do you do to get along? That sort of thing.
For me, I know the best thing to do is to take it one step at a time and not to push it. I'm excited in meeting them but I do know that meetings like this will take time.
Hi dorothyparkerwannabe (love
Hi dorothyparkerwannabe (love the handle!),
Would you be able to provide more details? - Yes, sure.
How many kids and ages? - A pair, 8 and 4.
How's his relationship with his ex? - Good terms if any, for the sake of the kids.
How many times do you see each other now? - I'm only moving over there next month so at this moment, we don't see each other that much. The kids have 'met' me via webcam a few times (I just remembered this!).
What are you giving up to settle in his city? - I would say, apart from being away from family and friends - nothing much. Will be working in his city, I also have a few local friends living in his country (ex-high school mates) and I also have made a lot of friends when I was there visiting.
Thank you,
Thank you, dorothyparkerwannabe.
My bf is pretty strict so I don't think I'll be doing much when it comes to parenting, if not at all.
Is it okay to talk this (expectations etc) over with him before I meet his kids or even moving in?
Ya, i agree - Do NOT move in
Ya, i agree - Do NOT move in right away!! whatever you do, dont do that.
hi mystique...my advice to
hi mystique...my advice to you is to make sure that your BF and his ex are on good communication terms. It will be make things easier for you. when I started dating my husband (father of 2) it was a HUGE adjustment for me. First I was young and selfish. I had to learn from the beginning that he had a big responsibility, his kids. Second I had to learn my place in the role as a potentional SP. We are married now, but we made sure to date a long time before I met the kids. He didn't want to be showing them gf after gf if it wasn't going to work. You two must have GREAT communication on what you want for yourself and for the relationship. We had many many long talks about situations we could encounter in the future. when we moved in with eachother we really learned about one another. I am happy I moved in before marriage but not everyone will agree with that. Has he talked to BM about you meeting the kids? That may be an issue. It has been hard to deal with having skids and the drama that goes with it. But if you know it wont be like the Brady Bunch or something like that then it can always be talked out. But for me...seeing H with his kids for the first time, I knew I would marry him. The way he treated me and the way he loved his kids...I feel even more in love. Good luck. Keep us posted
As far as I know, BF and XW
As far as I know, BF and XW are in good terms. Their decision to divorce is mutual and it ended amicably. He can have the kids whenever he wants to apart from every weekend.
As for what we both want for the relationship - we have talked about it and continue to discuss it. A few days ago, however, he brought up the idea of living together as soon as I get there -- it's either that or I heard him wrongly since the line wasn't so clear but tomorrow I will ask him again.
I have never lived with a partner before -- spent a few nights, yes but actually living together - nope so I'm not too sure how I feel about that. Excited, definitely but I'm sure there is a lot to get myself adjusted to.
I suppose for those who say it's a good idea not to is because things might not work out the way we want them to?
With the way things are between us, I know we can make this work. We have gone through a lot together - most of it really rough as LDR can really take a toll on your relationship. Then again, hey who knows? I know I'm staying positive
You have been with the guy
You have been with the guy what 3 yrs? Maybe you could get a short lease somewhere and ease into the overnight thing. Honestly, and most people will yell at me for saying this...but moving in with my husband when we were dating was the best thing for US. Our relationship only became more solid. It was crazy that we did it (I come from a family strong in their faith). Now I have friends who did the same thing and it was bad news from then on. I think you and only you will know what is right. He and I did do overnights for a couple days in a row once in a while and that told a lot. Stay positive and I hope it works out for you. I would meet the kiddos before moving in...
Yeap, over 3 years. Come Nov
Yeap, over 3 years. Come Nov -- 4 years. We have been taking it slow since day 1. In between, we had doubts due to the distance but we overcame all the doubts and as I have said above, things are way better now.
We discussed this afternoon and decided that getting a place of my own would be good -- for now. When I think more about it, it's a good idea. It'll be like we are dating since we didn't get to do that a lot before.
trysohard, I'm glad your relationship became more solid -- I know that it works for some to move in prior to marriage and it didn't for others. No matter what my decision is, I will stay positive. I didn't quite like the idea of living separately in the beginning, but now... yeah, I think it's a great idea. I'm sure when the time is right, we will move in together.
Thanks, trysohard. Yeah, will definitely meet the kids before we move in together!
Hi nomi, If you took the time
Hi nomi,
If you took the time to read through all my replies, you will know the reason why I haven't met the kids. Also, previous to your comment, we have already decided to take it one step at a time by living separately and only move in together when I have met the kids etc.
Thanks considering_marriage,
Thanks considering_marriage, for your post
Here's an update :
I arrived 2 weeks ago and it has been great, thus far. I thought I'd be meeting his kids perhaps a month or so down the road but he decided to let them meet me last week. It went very well. I bought some gifts (as it was his eldest's birthday the following week) and I must say I chose the right gifts. They were thrilled. The eldest asked me to play with her and so did the youngest. The boy spent a few nights with us and one of the nights, he came up in bed and slept next to me.
Everything is good. Their mother is now seeing someone new from another state and he has been showering the kids with gifts - bought the daughter some computer-like toy for her birthday and SO isn't too happy, not because of the gift but because exW's SO has never met the kids and they have only known each other for 3 weeks. All in all, he's happy that she is moving on as we were afraid she'd had a tough time, even after so long.
Had dinner with his daughter the day before SO left for a business trip. Had a great time and she asked some questions about me.
We plan to move in together in a few months and he is planning to have his daughter live with us, which he has asked if it was alright with me. For me - it is fine by me. I'm not forcing his daughter to like me, in fact, on my side - I am really taking it one step at a time and SO isn't forcing his daughter to like me either... which is good, IMO.
Will probably take the kids out this weekend and get to know each other better.